Leftridge: The Dirty Dozen Top Malt Liquors for New Year’s Eve

Money’s tight. You just spent a shitload to fix your son’s cleft palette, your wife had her hours at TJ Maxx cutback so far she’s barely working at all and the student loans from your worthless animal husbandry degree are piling up faster than elephant shit at a circus. Life sucks.

But New Year’s Eve waits for no man, and you need to get lubricated and loose. Champagne’s a little rich for your blood and wine makes you blackout and do unspeakable things to your life-sized poster of Bo Jackson. So what’s that leave?

Malt liquor.

But in this battered economy, malt liquors are a dime a dozen. How does one get the most bang for their buck? Simple. I’ve designed a complex formula that utilizes alcohol content by volume, divisible by cost per cubic cent, multiplied by incident of “punching a police-horse” in the snout. Here are the winners.

1) Mickey’s

Good for: Pretending you’re Irish trash, BEING Irish trash, listening to House of Pain, blacking out and French kissing complete strangers. Additionally, the handy, “big-mouth-grenade” style bottle is perfect for throwing at someone, which you’ll inevitably want to do after downing a sixer. ($4.29, 6-pk)

2) Olde English 800

Good for: being a 1980’s rapper, getting violent diarrhea in the bushes at the park, low-riding, hang-gliding. Touted as nectar of the Gods by LL Cool J, Ice Cube and Eazy-E, “OE,” as it is affectionately known, is the perfect malt liquor for picnics and after-church gatherings. ($2.28, 40 oz)

3) Colt 45

Good for: accompanying your sack of really bad, really cheap Kentucky weed or standing in an alley and looking threatening. Colt 45 is a poor-man’s Olde English. Wow. Don’t sink that low, my friend. ($1.88, 40 oz)

4) St. Ides Special Brew

Good for: impressing ladies, hanging out at picnics or the wakes of gang members. This intoxicating delight—which comes in fruity flavors—will make your flatulence smell appealing to hobos, which, depending on your proclivities, can either be a pro, or a con.  ($2.15, 40 oz)

5) Camo

Good for: getting drunker than any person ever has before, murdering your family in a blind rage that you’ll never remember (but forever regret). Camo is a Miller product with up to 10.5% alcohol by volume (ABV). Remember that part where I mentioned murdering your family? Sadly, I wasn’t kidding. ($2.88, 22 oz can)

6) Hurricane

Good for: nothing. A St. Ides rip-off from St. Louis’ Anheuser-Busch. Save your change for bus fare and stick with the Special Brew. After all, one of these products has the endorsement of 2Pac, Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg, Warren G, Nate Dogg, MC Eiht, Scarface, Wu-Tang Clan, Project Pat, King Tee, DJ Pooh, The Notorious B.I.G., Eric B & Rakim, EPMD, Method Man & Redman, Cypress Hill, RBL Posse, Luniz, and the Geto Boys, and one does not. ($2.98, 32 oz can)

7) Schlitz

Good for: being the grandfather of malt liquor, impressing your friends who are too hip for PBR, making Milwaukee famous. Schlitz is a solid choice no matter the occasion, and quite possibly the whitest option when it comes to malt liquor (if that’s a concern… and it shouldn’t be- you’re drinking malt liquor). ($6.59, 6 pk)

8) Country Club

Good for: pretending it’s something that it’s not. This is from the internet: “This beer starts off sweet with definite fruity accents. I’m picking up green apple, as well as grain husks, roasted corn, minerals, wet straw, and a touch of grassy hops. As the beer warms a bit, cooked vegetable, lemon, and alcohol notes creep out of the woodwork. The finish is short and simple with grain husk and corn notes.” This is a fucking joke, right? Anybody? ($6.19, 6 pk)

9) Steel Reserve

Good for: being a high-gravity lager, fucking your face up if you’re not careful. 8.1% ABV in a best case scenario, the “Reserve” provides a smooth, mellow drinking experience, followed by a dark after-period where you shit your innards out on the floor of your studio apartment while the Korean hooker that you called over sits in the corner and laughs delicately.  ($2.64, 32 oz can)

10) King Cobra

Good for: being a really fly-ass black dude in the 1980’s, not much else. ($1.78, 40 oz)

11) Carlsberg Special Brew

Good for: extra hard hooligan-rioting across the pond, pretending to have international flair when you’re very clearly just a piece of crap drinking copious amounts of malt liquor. A product from the world’s 4th largest beer brewer (and biggest seller in Russia), Carlsberg gets decidedly dangerous with their malted offering. So put on your Doc Martens, dust off those Oi! LPs and kick back with a Carlsberg Special Brew. ($3.88, 22 oz)

12) Coldcock Malt Liquor

Good for: not being a real thing/being a Saturday Night Live skit starring Tim Meadows.

Do you hear that noise? That’s your liver thanking me. You’re welcome, Mr. Liver!

Happy New Years, everyone!


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21 Responses to Leftridge: The Dirty Dozen Top Malt Liquors for New Year’s Eve

  1. Super Dave says:

    Good Story
    I now know without a doubt what not to drink.

    All kidding aside I remember back in the 70’s when Mickey’s was the poison of choice by every underage kid who wanted to get drunk.

  2. Fishy says:

    I’m not buying the premise. What? Leftridge went out and bought 4 or 5 dozen bottles of Malt Liquors , drank em and chose these? Yeah, my bs antenna is extended. Fishy.

  3. chuck says:

    Fishy- Yes those are Bullshit Beams
    you are pickin up on your internal satellite dish.

    The premise is NOT that Lefty went out and drank so much Malt Liquor he proposed to Courtney Love, the premise is, that Lefty if funny.

    He is funny, that was hilariousl.

    Yep Super Dave, I remember the Mickeys.


  4. smartman says:

    Nice one Lefty! I prefer the Dropkick Murphy’s or The Pogues to House of Pain with my Mickey’s, unless of course it’s the extended version of Jump.

  5. Brandon Leftridge says:

    Yeah, last time I bought some Mickey’s, the cashier told me, “normally I wouldn’t card you, but you’re buying this shit, so I gotta.” Telling, for sure.

  6. Brandon Leftridge says:

    Haha. Nah, you’re right to a degree. I didn’t buy any specifically for this story– KCC’s budget won’t allow it– but I swear on whoever it is that you believe in that I’ve had every single one of these at some point in my life.

  7. Brandon Leftridge says:

    Nothing wrong w/ the Dropkick Murphy’s OR the Pogues. Shane MacGowan’s smile is an inspiration to us all.

  8. Fishy says:

    schmuck, if you would take your lips off of KCC’s butt hole, you might understand the parody to the mermaid thread.

    For a douche who posts so much, you sure are clueless.

  9. Fish and Chips says:

    Haha. Nah, you’re right to a degree. I didn’t buy any specifically for this story– KCC’s budget won’t allow it– but I swear on whoever it is that you believe in that I’ve had every single one of these at some point in my life.

    It was parody of a comment in mermaid’s thread… no one got it… oh well

    Have a Happy New Year Brandon

  10. Brandon Leftridge says:

    ah- AH… now I follow you. And the point of the whole post was that it was a knock-off of Mermaid’s idea (which was a great idea, I thought). Cheers to you as well.

  11. Orphan of the Road says:

    Old English 800 and strolling the Boardwalk Empire
    Schlitz Malt Liquor was probably the top seller at Gem’s on St John in hs. Showed you were headed to Yale or Central Missouri. Lost its appeal with being legal age. A slightly oaky taste, as good going down as coming up at the drive-in.

    But OE 800 was often a necessary evil to combat a night at the first AC casino. Couple of bottles and you were ready to be knee-deep in chicken bones and trash. One casino with over 80% of the gambling population within a days drive.

    Little old ladies giving absolution with their cigarette butts to those poor souls hired to sweep up. Broom are bad juju apparently.

    NYE at Resorts was similar to a third-world country. Half-a-block off the boardwalk was the liquor store, fully in the section of AC most like Syria today. But a white boy with an OE 800 was assured safe passage through the hood. AC had no need for comp drinks then.

  12. mark smith says:

    which would you recomend to accompany fake crab meats?
    Or would a wine go better? Perhaps a fruity tj swan or a dry mad dog 20/20? Funny stuff lefty.

  13. Brandon Leftridge says:

    You can never, EVER go wrong with a luke-warm bottle of Kiwi Strawberry Mogen David 20/20.

  14. David "Super Dave" Larson says:

    Warning About Mad Dog
    Mad Dog is, in my humble opinion, the King of Rotgut Alcohol. It will knock something out of socket in your brain. I don’t know the flavors as much as I know the colors, because nothing is more rock star than vomiting bright blue or bright green Mad Dog. There is something fundamentally wrong with it. Mad Dog offers one the opportunity to heave in red, orange, yellow, green, blue, and violet. (That’s the whole rainbow, if anyone’s counting) So throw a little fake crab in with that Mark and you can be the most colorful projectile puker at the stroke of the New Year. (Hope you have Monday off as well you will need it to recover if you go the MD 20/20 route.)

  15. mermaid says:

    Hmm sounds familiar?
    Come up with your own ideas for stories and don’t steal mine. Malt liquors- classy. The last time I drank a malt liquor I was 18 and it was bad then I can’t even imagine what I would think now. Champagne too rich – for who? Oh yea – plagiarists!

  16. xxMillerTimexx says:

    Mermaid don’t be mad
    he just took your story and made it funny. No harm no foul.

  17. mark smith says:

    You would think someone with a tail and flippers
    would have a sense of humor. Plagarism is the wrong word Mermaid. The word you are looking for is Parody. That’s where someone takes something dry and boring, and makes it funny. And, despite the ooooh’s and awww’s from your 2 or 3 fan boys, your champagne article was dry. Leftridge writes some funny stuff, in fact, he writes the only intentionally funny stuff on this site. Lighten up.

  18. Inmate 5150-69-420 says:

    hehehhee… YALL ARE NUTS!!!!… everybody here is funny… inmates fighting at the inmates… guards fightingat the gurads…. everybody hates glazer….. runs hot and cold on hearne…. this place is a regualr looney bin….. everybody is nuts, except me of course and niether am I…yes you arent…. no I am to uh uh,,, nuh uh…. whoa…… bunch of fkn nuts

  19. Craig Glazer says:

    Mermaid Has A Point Brandon
    While it is funny…it does step on her toes of an idea she had with wrote. Mermaid got a nice response and feels she owns that idea for now. Maybe at a later time it would have been ok, but not right after hers. Mermaid has just started on this site and has had great comment response, so the timing was bad.

  20. Lance the Intern says:

    Great Parody…
    Is not meant to make anyone look bad… it’s meant to be a tribute. (Thank you, Weird Al).
    IMO, this was great parody. Great article, Brandon. Mermaid, you should be flattered, not p*ssed.

  21. Hearne Christopher says:

    I completely disagree. Not to air out the corporate laundry, but the timing was spot on.

Comments are closed.