Money’s tight. You just spent a shitload to fix your son’s cleft palette, your wife had her hours at TJ Maxx cutback so far she’s barely working at all and the student loans from your worthless animal husbandry degree are piling up faster than elephant shit at a circus. Life sucks.
But New Year’s Eve waits for no man, and you need to get lubricated and loose. Champagne’s a little rich for your blood and wine makes you blackout and do unspeakable things to your life-sized poster of Bo Jackson. So what’s that leave?
But in this battered economy, malt liquors are a dime a dozen. How does one get the most bang for their buck? Simple. I’ve designed a complex formula that utilizes alcohol content by volume, divisible by cost per cubic cent, multiplied by incident of “punching a police-horse” in the snout. Here are the winners.
Good for: Pretending you’re Irish trash, BEING Irish trash, listening to House of Pain, blacking out and French kissing complete strangers. Additionally, the handy, “big-mouth-grenade” style bottle is perfect for throwing at someone, which you’ll inevitably want to do after downing a sixer. ($4.29, 6-pk)
2) Olde English 800
Good for: being a 1980’s rapper, getting violent diarrhea in the bushes at the park, low-riding,
hang-gliding. Touted as nectar of the Gods by LL Cool J, Ice Cube and Eazy-E, “OE,” as it is affectionately known, is the perfect malt liquor for picnics and after-church gatherings. ($2.28, 40 oz)
3) Colt 45
Good for: accompanying your sack of really bad, really cheap Kentucky weed or standing in an alley and looking threatening. Colt 45 is a poor-man’s Olde English. Wow. Don’t sink that low, my friend. ($1.88, 40 oz)
4) St. Ides Special Brew
Good for: impressing ladies, hanging out at picnics or the wakes of gang members. This intoxicating delight—which comes in fruity flavors—will make your flatulence smell appealing to hobos, which, depending on your proclivities, can either be a pro, or a con. ($2.15, 40 oz)
Good for: getting drunker than any person ever has before, murdering your family in a blind rage that you’ll never remember (but forever regret). Camo is a Miller product with up to 10.5% alcohol by volume (ABV). Remember that part where I mentioned murdering your family? Sadly, I wasn’t kidding. ($2.88, 22 oz can)
Good for: nothing. A St. Ides rip-off from St. Louis’ Anheuser-Busch. Save your change for bus fare and stick with the Special Brew. After all, one of these products has the endorsement of 2Pac, Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg, Warren G, Nate Dogg, MC Eiht, Scarface, Wu-Tang Clan, Project Pat, King Tee, DJ Pooh, The Notorious B.I.G., Eric B & Rakim, EPMD, Method Man & Redman, Cypress Hill, RBL Posse, Luniz, and the Geto Boys, and one does not. ($2.98, 32 oz can)
Good for: being the grandfather of malt liquor, impressing your friends who are too hip for PBR, making Milwaukee famous. Schlitz is a solid choice no matter the occasion, and quite possibly the whitest option when it comes to malt liquor (if that’s a concern… and it shouldn’t be- you’re drinking malt liquor). ($6.59, 6 pk)
8) Country Club
Good for: pretending it’s something that it’s not. This is from the internet: “This beer starts off sweet with definite fruity accents. I’m picking up green apple, as well as grain husks, roasted corn, minerals, wet straw, and a touch of grassy hops. As the beer warms a bit, cooked vegetable, lemon, and alcohol notes creep out of the woodwork. The finish is short and simple with grain husk and corn notes.” This is a fucking joke, right? Anybody? ($6.19, 6 pk)
9) Steel Reserve
Good for: being a high-gravity lager, fucking your face up if you’re not careful. 8.1% ABV in a best case scenario, the “Reserve” provides a smooth, mellow drinking experience, followed by a dark after-period where you shit your innards out on the floor of your studio apartment while the Korean hooker that you called over sits in the corner and laughs delicately. ($2.64, 32 oz can)
10) King Cobra
Good for: being a really fly-ass black dude in the 1980’s, not much else. ($1.78, 40 oz)
11) Carlsberg Special Brew
Good for: extra hard hooligan-rioting across the pond, pretending to have international flair when you’re very clearly just a piece of crap drinking copious amounts of malt liquor. A product from the world’s 4th largest beer brewer (and biggest seller in Russia), Carlsberg gets decidedly dangerous with their malted offering. So put on your Doc Martens, dust off those Oi! LPs and kick back with a Carlsberg Special Brew. ($3.88, 22 oz)
12) Coldcock Malt Liquor
Good for: not being a real thing/being a Saturday Night Live skit starring Tim Meadows.
Do you hear that noise? That’s your liver thanking me. You’re welcome, Mr. Liver!
Happy New Years, everyone!