With Christmas only a stone’s throw away, I’ve decided to take the guess work out of gift-giving.
Nobody really knows what Grandpa wants and Dad has enough "executive" golf-themed items for his desk (exceptionally funny because Dad doesn’t work at a desk– he’s a ‘slicer’ on the hog-slaughtering assembly line… Get real).
Surprise them with a gift for the ages!
Have them talking for weeks afterwords! Whatever… Just buy one of these goddamned things and call it a day.
– A real OPOSSUM!
– Unrated director’s cut of ‘Dodgeball’.
– Gift certificate, K-Mart.
– 1st season of ‘Mr. Belvedere,’ Blu-Ray.
– Porter’s brand Macaroni and Cheese.
– New eyeglasses
– Herpes medication (unopened!)
– Turquoise Condoms
– Orange Juice
– Orange Juicer Machine
– Those socks with the fuzzy balls on the heel
– New teeth
– Tibetan Mastiff
– 2 lbs. Black licorice
– Hot glue gun
– Gift Certificate, Yankee Candle
Now there, doesn’t that feel better to have some ideas to work with? You’re WELCOME.
Have a safe and Happy Holiday, and oh yes, look out for Harley— it sounds like he’s trying to poison (or urinate/defecate in?) Hearne‘s food. You could be next!