Dateline: Southside Chicago. Home to rampant murder, rape, robbery, drugs, thick mustaches and ‘da Bears. With Chicago taking on the lowly Kansas City Chiefs, the fans didn’t take long to make the Windy City proud:
@mellinger (Sam, KC Star sports columnist)
“11:15 am…first gratuitous use of a taser witnessed outside Soldier Field.”
I love Chicago—even lived there for a spell—but man, the Southside of that fine city is a wreck. If you’re not going to a Bears game (you can get tased anywhere, to be fair) or a Sox game (you probably WILL get tased here—by a fan, or a player, or an ump), you have no business venturing south of about 15th street. Nothing good happens there.
Oh, and then there was the game. The quarterback play was abysmal:
@SSJ_WHB (Steven St.John, 810 am)
“I want Palko and Hanie to fight….Loser leaves the NFL….Winner leaves, too….#Chiefs”
But that’s why we went out and picked up Kyle Orton, right?
@getnickwright (610 am)
“I THINK ORTON BROKE HIS THUMB ON THE FIRST PLAY! #CHIEFS”
Oops! Thankfully, our defense was ready to dominate.
@theprogramkc (The Program, 810 am sports)
“Justin Houston continues to become more and more a factor. Nice pick in the third round.”
“GOOD GOD! THAT’S TYSON JACKSON’S MUSIC!”
That’s right, Houston looked good, Tyson Jackson showed up and even Sabby Piscitelli was… well, mentioned.
“Has Piscitelli contributed anything to this team #Chiefs?”
Aside from a haunting aroma of Axe Body Spray that is sure to linger in his locker years after he’s been shown the door? No, not really.
All in all, the result is the only thing that matters.
“This is insane. It’s a shame only one team can lose this game. #Chiefs #Bears”
@Leabonics (Todd Leabo, 810 am)
“I’m sure there’s been a more poorly-played game in the NFL this year…. But I’m not positive. #chiefs # bears”
“This Chiefs-Bears game is setting football back 10 years!”
But the thing is, the 2001 Chiefs were fun to watch. Sure they ended up 6-10, and in 4th place, but it was a definite preview of things to come with Priest Holmes, Trent Green, Tony Gonzalez and company. If I see Tyler Palko ANYWHERE next year, he’d better be working the register at Burger King and NOT fucking up when I tell him “no pickles on my Whopper.”
And so they soldier on, mindful of Kyle Orton’s $2 million dollar thumb, and hope for a better tomorrow. You know, a better tomorrow featuring a healthy, productive Jamaal Charles. So how’s this long, sad offseason treating him? Well, he’s got an appetite, apparently:
“On my way to cici’s pizza #sogood”
“I tell u is something about that cici’s pizza it was so good is bedtime now”
So I made fun of Royals outfield prospect Wil Myers last week for getting excited about Olive Garden, but this is much, much worse. See, Charles HAS money, way more than Myers, and frankly? If I’ve gotta eat at one of those places, it ain’t CiCi’s Pizza.
Oh, and p.s. Jamaal, I think Ozzie Guillen might be using your Twitter. “Is bedtime now”? Come on, man. Read it twice before hitting the post button.
Elsewhere around the NFL, former Missouri Tiger Blaine Gabbert continues to suck.
@RichGannon12 (former NFL quarterback, CBS analyst)
“Hard to watch Gabbert and this JAX offense. Kid needs to learn to sit in there with ‘balls of a burglar’ and not worry about the rush.”
1) This is one of the funnier things I’ve heard an analyst say in a long while.
2) It’s completely true.
3) How long to you give the former Mizzou star before you pull the plug? He’s been miserable this year and really hasn’t shown any signs of improvement. I was surprised that he was drafted as high as he was, to be honest. And I get it, the Jaguars are a bad team and blah blah blah, but Blaine Gabbert looks like he’d flounder just about anywhere at this point.
With baseball’s Winter Meetings underway in Dallas, and the morning temps in the high teens, let’s move right along to a little Hot Stove action. First up, the Royals are getting all kind of active.
@jazayerli (Rany Jazayerli, writer, Royals fan, dermatologist)
“Yes please. Pretty please. RT @jcrasnick: Roy Oswalt’s agent Bob Garber expected to meet with #Royals people today or tomorrow in Milwaukee”
This Tweet was initially made back in the middle of November. I never heard anymore about the meeting, but I suppose the fact that Oswalt’s not standing at a Royals podium holding up a jersey says something. So far this offseason, the Royals have supposedly expressed interest in Oswalt, young stud Athletics pitcher Gio Gonzalez and a utility man. Yeah, teams need those, too.
@Buster_ESPN (Buster Olney, ESPN writer)
“KC looking for a utilityman, preferably someone who can hit LHed. KC in a unusual place: Royals’ everyday lineup is set. Much improvement.”
Well, you heard it there, folks: dust off that Willie Bloomquist jersey. You just may need it. Elsewhere, former Royals are making moves:
@jazayerli (Rany Jazayerli)
“Happy for David DeJesus that he still got paid after a disappointing season, think he’ll help the Cubs. And I’d rather have Jeff Francoeur.”
Agreed. Francoeur has more pop, a better arm and is four years younger. No brainer.
The biggest news around baseball this young offseason is the ongoing saga of Albert Pujols, and whether or not the new-look Miami Marlins will make him an offer he can’t refuse.
“Reports from South Florida are that Marlins can build $100 payroll. If they sign Pujols for $25m a year, they’d be at $90m for six players.”
The Miami Marlins are spending irresponsibly. I REPEAT: THE MIAMI MARLINS ARE SPENDING IRRESPONSIBLY. After paying shortstop Jose Reyes $830 billion a few days ago (and reliever Heath Bell a truckload of money, too), they’re stopping just short of giving Albert Pujols his own island. They don’t even seem to care that no one seems to really know his true age, either. Reports from various sources peg the St. Louis Cardinals’ hero as somewhere between 31 and 34. Good stuff for a guy to whom they supposedly offered a 10 year contract.
In any case, this sort of frivolous spending rarely seems to work. Los Marlins would do well to review recent endeavors made by the Eagles of Philadelphia and their own backyard-brethren, the Heat. It takes a team to win, not a collective of dudes making as much money as the Gross National Product of Myanmar.
Legendary steroid-monster Manny Ramirez has made his intention known to return to baseball, after a brief retirement full of denial and spousal abuse. BREAKING NEWS: Nobody cares. He’s a shell of his former self—it’s amazing how much of his latter-year success was apparently fueled by drugs—and must face a 50 game suspension IF anyone wants him… and it doesn’t sound like anyone’s all that interested.
@Buster_ESPN (Buster Olney, ESPN baseball writer)
“Ramirez has been working out in south Florida. Teams have been contacted and made aware of the fact he’s ready to talk to teams.”
“The list of AL teams that almost certainly won’t consider Manny: Boston, Yankees, KC, DET, CWS, CLE, MINN, TEX, LAA.”
“Count Oakland among the teams that has no interest in signing Manny Ramirez.”
“Source: Mariners "probably not" interested in signing Manny. Hearing some teams aren’t thrilled with likely production/distraction equation.”
So wait… that leaves… who exactly? The Platte County Melon-Pumpers? The Smithville Danglers? Attention, Manny: you are one of professional sports’ greatest cancers. You are average without pumping yourself full of drugs. Stop it. Seriously.
Speaking of people who need to stop it:
@JoseCanseco (utter disgrace)
“Home plate grill and bar in Vegas is awesome great food”
“Come to home plate grill and bar in las Vegas off of diamond road for some great food I eat here all the time”
In a previous Twitter-piece, I shared Jose’s new work schedule—signing autographs in the lobby of a Vegas hotel for four hours a day—and recently, he’s added “poorly crafted advertorial Tweets” to his repertoire. I’m serious, Jose: if you knock this shit off immediately, I’ll double whatever it is that they’re paying you to do this. That’s right, I’ll give you EIGHT chicken fingers AND not up-charge you for the honey mustard. Think about it, buddy.
And finally, some heartwarming baseball news. It was announced on Monday that legendary Chicago Cub Ron Santo would be inducted into the Hall of Fame in 2012, a year after passing away due to complications from diabetes and bladder cancer. The third baseman turned broadcaster was a nine-time-All-Star and a five-time-Gold-Glover. Billy Corgan of the Smashing Pumpkins turned into a ball-baby at the news:
“I’ve got tears in my eyes writing this: congrats to the Santo family on Ron’s election to MLB Hall of Fame. A good day to be a Cub fan”
I’m glad that Santo got in; it’s just too bad he couldn’t be here to enjoy it. If I were his ghost, I’d haunt the shit out of the election committee for taking so long to make it happen.
Finally, I’d like to close this installment with one of the NFL’s most prolific Tweeters, a man who hasn’t let his abysmal first year with the Patriots affect his ability to clown around (a fact which I’m sure thrills Bill Belichick to no end).
@ochocinco (Chad Ochocinco, WR, 12 Receptions in 11 games, 213 yards, no TDs)
“You ever had a fly or small bug land on your computer screen and your first reaction is to try and scare it with the cursor?”
All the time, Chad… all the time.