Tales From the Tweet: Gill’s Last Gasp, an Albino Lion & Lou Diamond’s Stolen Identity

‘Tis the season for cherishing what you’ve got. For some, this means a job, a home, a family, some food, a nice Sleep Number bed… whatever. Turner Gill—who was fired by KU on Sunday—has most of these things, I’m sure. Well, except the job. Oh, and plus $6,000,000.00. That’s right, the man who succeeded Mean Ol’ Mangino was given his walking papers after he managed an unbelievably horrid 1-16 record in the Big 12 over his two year reign of terror. But don’t cry for him, Argentine, Kansas, he’ll be just fine.

“Turner Gill has been relieved of his duties as Head Football Coach at the University of Kansas”

@mellinger  (KC Star Sports Columnist)
“When Turner Gill lists his accomplishments on his resume for his next job, "halftime lead over #Mizzou" should make the top five. #KUfball”

@nate_bukaty  (810 am)
“I never find joy in a person losin his job, and I believe Turner Gill to be a very good man, but Dr. Zenger did what needed to be done.”

People like to say that they hate it when people get fired; when it comes to sports, this is often nothing more than a ridiculous cliché. Simply put, sports dehumanize people. It rightfully puts team and organization above all else. Theoretically, all of the moveable parts grow into a giant, convulsing, hissing machine. And when a piece of that machinery breaks down, or fails to provide the function that it’s supposed to, you replace it. It’s that simple.

So feel sorry for the mailman with three kids who loses his gig because nobody mails anything anymore, but don’t feel sorry for the untalented coach who’s getting paid $6 million to walk away. I wish I sucked enough at my job to warrant some kind of multi-million dollar buyout. And I’d demand that you not feel sorry for me as I skipped out of the door, doing that fruity, jumping heel-click-thing as I left.

With Gill gone, people are clamoring to prognosticate KU’s next football coach. Perhaps the most popular pick is former Texas Tech coach Mike Leach. Nick Wright from 610 am was searching for the scoop of the week when he promised listeners that he’d have the current CBS analyst and Red Raiders-reject on his Monday afternoon show.

“Mike Leach on WhatsWright today… Spread the word KU fans…”

And then?

“Apologies that Leach wasn’t on at 4 as scheduled… He just texted and said he would call soon, will tweet when he’s on…”
And then?

“scheduled for 4…. didn’t answer, texted us and said he’d call in a few, hasn’t called yet. no lies, live radio”

And finally…

“Sincerely sorry that we didn’t deliver Leach. We talked to him this morning, he said he’d come on, never answered. Will try again tomorrow.”

So what did Jayhawk fans think?

@cmat2509  (Curtis Mathews, some irrelevant Twitter-user whose mini-bio states, “my life, your entertainment”; probably not related to Denny)

“@getnickwright thanks for making me waste my day sitting by the radio fucking idiot”

Really Curt-Curt? Just to hear Mike Leach sidestep a bunch of questions about Lawrence, Kansas? Wish I had that kinda time to spare.

Hey, I’ve got an idea for KU’s next coach—what about my brother-in-law? He’s a coach at the high-school level… he wears Under-Armour to family functions, which makes him look very coach-like. He’s a nice guy, smart, and he’s physically imposing with a sturdy, tough-guy beard… And in all honesty, he can’t be any worse than Gill.

But if it’s not Mike Leach (and maybe it is) and it’s not my brother-in-law (long-shot), then who could it be? Let’s ask everybody’s favorite waste of sperm, Bob Fescoe.

Remember how last time I pointed out that he has a formula for making really bad jokes that start with “there is no truth to the rumor that…”? I wasn’t exaggerating, people—it’s a like a 4th grader who hears something funny on television and repeats it over and over again because his mother politely chuckled the first time he said it.

@bobfescoe  (610 am)
“There is NO truth to the report that Bob Valasente will be the next KU coach,.”

“There is NO truth to the rumor that Norman Dale is up for the KU football job. Shooter is being discussed in small circles.”

“Bud Lathrop has pulled his name out of the running for coach at KU”

““Matt Millen is NOT a candidate to coach KU”

“report: Broxton was never seen as a candidate for the #kufball job”

I just… seriously. I’m at a loss. Somebody gave this guy a job, and HE’S SOMEHOW MANAGED TO KEEP IT.

Speaking of Kansas, my favorite NFL Punter who Tweets, Chris Kluwe, tore into a former KU star on Monday. On a 2nd quarter punt in the Vikings eventual loss to the Falcons, Minnesota long-snapper Cullen Loeffler was rushing down the field to cover Kluwe’s kick. As he was cut across the field, Atlanta’s Kerry Meier lit him up brighter than a Christmas tree. Kluwe—who’s had his share of Twitter spats in the past—laid into Goldilocks.

“To the Falcon that cheapshotted Loeffler – I hope someone does the same shit to you and knocks you out for the rest of the year too. Asshole.”

“Just watched the film and Cullen was ten yards behind the play; there was no call to do something like that. Fucking douchepickle.”

Douchepickle. I love it. Look, I watched the play—you might still be able to find it on youtube—and it was a fair hit. Overly-aggressive, yes, but certainly not a penalty. That said, I love it when athletes mouth off. Especially if that “athlete” is a punter. Priceless. It’s too bad they lost their long-snapper for the year, though. I’m going to forward Bob Fescoe’s resume to Kluwe, maybe get him the hell out of town.

Elsewhere, in the No Fun League, violent nightmare NKing NKong Suh is probably going to kill someone at some point. So how do we stop him before he makes an fatal error?

@JayGlazer (Foxsports.com writer, NFL sideline reporter)
“Lions have been informed by league office that Ndamukong Suh has been suspended by Commissioner 2 games without pay.”

Good. Grow up. Attend some anger management counseling. Learn to channel your frustration in a more appropriate manner. If I went around stomping on people’s arms at work, I’d get a whole hell of a lot more than fired.

Speaking of scary Lions:

“Did Kyle Vandenbosch have red contacts in???”

A quick internet search revealed what I’ve been wondering about all year long, anytime I watch a Detroit game: Yes, yes he does. I’m glad Nick Wright mentioned it, because prior to his Tweet, anytime I saw Vanden Bosch’s glowing, demon eyes, I’ve thought to myself, “
Wait… is he an albino? Is that real? Eh. Oh well,” and switched the channel before forgetting to look into it. Now I know, and as the wise-prophet GI Joe once said, knowing is half the battle.

And wait… what’s this?! A Brodie Croyle sighting?!

@SI_PeterKing (Sports Illustrated writer)
“To the many comments about Texan QB situation: Brodie Croyle is leader in clubhouse to be signed. Kubiak liked his workout last week.”

Oh, man. Sucks to be a Texans fan. From a caviar-start and playoff dreams, to Brodie Freaking Croyle under center. Ouch. Hey, at least his wife’s hot, right? Doesn’t that count for—wait… that means NOTHING??? Dude, they’re screwed.

Next up, Sean Connery’s favorite section, a little Hot Shtove News.

First, some good news for the good guys:

@I_JonHeyman (Sports Illustrated writer)
“Broxton got $4M from royals. Plan is for him to set up. Physical tomorrow.”

@jcrasnick (Jerry Crasnick, ESPN baseball writer, un-ironic wearer of mustache)
“Fellow Ga. native Jeff Francoeur helped recruit Broxton for #Royals. Broxton recently went hunting w/Francoeur & manager Ned Yost”

So the Royals went out and signed themselves another bullpen arm. Former Dodgers’ closer and current elbow problem guy Jonathan Broxton will join a gaggle of already talented relievers next year. Some are suggesting this is clearing the way for a Joakim Soria trade. Others still are pointing out that this does nothing more than fill a bullpen spot if All-Star Aaron Crow assumes a rotational role. Maybe everyone’s right… who knows?

What I DO know is that I like this move. It shows that the powers-that-be are willing to spend a little Christmas-cash on someone whose upside—Broxton saved 58 games between ’09 and ’10 while striking out 187 in 138 innings—is solid. And if the bullpen is too stacked? You jettison him for picks (supposing he’s really, truly healthy and performing at a high level) in July. Something tells me the Royals won’t be sellers around the trade deadline, though… just a hunch. 

@jazayerli (Rany Jazayerli, Royals fan, writer for grantland.com, dermatologist)
“This Rasmus rumor is…weird. If TOR is willing to trade him just 4 months after committing Grand Theft CF, doesn’t that worry you a little?”

Yeah, worrisome and… weird. I don’t know what to make of a potential trade for stud outfielder Colby Rasmus. Our outfield is pretty set for a couple of years with good, young talent. And Rany’s right—it seems to indicate that something is either wrong with Rasmus, OR with Royals’ centerfielder Lorenzo Cain. In any case, I think it would take more than I’d be willing to give up in order to acquire 2009’s #3 overall prospect in all of baseball. Plus, we’ve got Wil Myers to look forward to.

“Olive garden with the family”

OMG! It’s like Wil Myers live inna commercial, ya’ll!

Serious sidenote: are the Royals not paying this kid enough money? OLIVE GARDEN, Wil? Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re shitty.

Finally, everyone’s favorite Native American (Mexican? Puerto… Spaniard?) actor took to Twitter in order to make people aware of an alarming development: SOMEONE IS ATTEMPTING TO IMPERSONATE LOU DIAMOND PHILLIPS.

@LouDPhillips  (D is for Diamond; greatest actor ever, star of Young Guns, La Bamba)
“BTW, apparently someone is pretending to b me on Facebook. (must b reeeaally bored!) Not me, don’t even have a page. Spread the word, thnx!”

Well this is fucking great… so who have I been sending pictures of my genitals to?

Beware, folks.  The internet is a scary place.

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7 Responses to Tales From the Tweet: Gill’s Last Gasp, an Albino Lion & Lou Diamond’s Stolen Identity

  1. chuck says:

    Where’s the cake, we gotta eat it too!
    This is a quote from Hearne earlier in the week.
    “The Syracuse child molestation situation is just the tip of the college athletics moeny-go-round…

    When I was a little kid, all I knew about college football was that people like Fred McMurray drove to the games in really old cars with racoon tails, in really old black and white movies.

    The fans yelled super silly cheers and it wasn’t about whether the teams won or lost but how they played the game.

    That was then…”

    This quote from B Leftridge today.
    “Tis the season for cherishing what you

  2. smartman says:

    Doctor Who?
    Doctor Zenger? That’s priceless. Kinda like DR. PEPPER. All these fucks in ACADEMIA from elementary school to college with DOCTORATES insist on being called DOCTOR, as if that makes them more important and qualified to do whatever it is they do. Friend of mine went to his daughters elementary school, saw the PRINCIPAL, went up and introduced himself, “Hi Principal Smith, I’m Jerry Masterson, Carlyn’s father.”. Her FIRST response was to correct him and tell him she was DOCTOR Smith.

    Don’t pick on Lou DP. Dude has suffered enough. NOTHING is worse than finding out your smokin’ hot wife is leaving you to play for the other team.

  3. kcfred says:

    Rasmus is cancer
    As a Cardinals fan, I can tell you that Rasmus is cancer. He and his old man will tear apart whatever chemistry the Royals hope to have. He’s literally stupid. His IQ isn’t even double figures. Look what happened to the Cardinals AFTER he left. Stay away. Far way from this guy.

  4. smartman says:

    From your mouth to God’s ears, or Glazers, for the non-believers.

    College Sports makes Enron look like a Tibetan Monastery, but even the Bettin’ Tibetan soiled that gown.

    College sports is like STAGE SEVEN cancer on our society. Joe Paterno wasn’t/isn’t the only coach or AD holding a whole fucking institution of higher learning hostage.

    Gordon Gekko said, Greed is GOOD, College Sports is BETTOR! Too much money. Too much poon and recently we discover too much little boy ass. Caligula could not get admitted to this club. Karma may be a bitch but it appears she can be bought off. I love ya’ like a brother from another mother Chuck. You’re OLD SCHOOL. You’re a Mohican. We’re fucked buddy. Like Howard Jones sang, “You’re the fastest runner but you’re not allowed to win.”

    Keep the faith and 10,000 rounds of ammo. In the event it evers breaks down into chaos and we get some of that Anarchy in the streets our side WILL win and we can restructure this motherfucker with Little Steven and Ron Paul.

  5. chuck says:

    I will keep the faith.

  6. Orphan of the Road says:

    Gotta keep on it

  7. chuck says:

    Jesus Orphan, is that true?

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