Fact 1: The Chiefs picked Kyle Orton up on Wednesday, before more deserving teams (see: teams in actual playoff contention) could do so. If you’re the Chicago Bears, the Houston Texans, the Detroit Lions (come on—we all know it’s a matter of time before Matt Stafford separates his shoulder reaching for his soda at a Wendy’s drive-thru), the Philadelphia Eagles (Vick is more vulnerable than an emaciated pit-bull in a throat-tearing-contest… too soon? Nope) or the Dallas Cowboys (see: the Detroit Lions’ conundrum), you’ve gotta be super-pissed.
What business do the god-awful Chiefs have in making this move? Well, none, really.
Fact 2: Kyle Orton is better than Matt Cassel. Easily. Inarguably.
Cassel, in seven professional seasons, has thrown for 11,699 yards. Orton has played in six, and he’s thrown for 13,753. Orton has thrown more TD’s (and more interceptions, but “pobodies nerfect” LOL LOL LOL LOL), gets sacked significantly less (probably because he doesn’t flee at the drop of a mouthpiece) and has a better completion percentage (career, vs. Cassel’s time in KC). It’s also worth noting that Cassel has had the benefit of better receivers (Randy Moss, Wes Welker, Dwayne Bowe, hell, even Jabar Gaffney) than Orton (Brandon Marshall, Brandon Lloyd and… well, Jabar, again).
Cassel sucks. Orton sucks slightly less.
Fact 3: The fact that Orton is better is a bad thing, because he gives Kansas City a greater chance to win than Cassel did. And why is this bad? Well, it means that the Chiefs could pull off one or two more wins than they might have with Matt. This means that their draft-positioning suffers, and my dream of Robert Griffin III wearing red and gold goes unrealized.
While I was only mildly supportive of the “Suck for Luck” campaign (nobody should consciously root AGAINST their team—you know, unless they’ve got like, ‘they’re gonna take my kid’s finger’ money on the game), I was firmly in the “Lay a Turd for Robert Griffin the Third” camp. Look, once it became clear that the Chiefs were as awful as they are, but not quite as bad as Indianapolis, all bets were off the table. At that point, I say lose, and lose heartily, boys.
Fact 4: Kyle doesn’t want to be here. He reportedly asked the Chiefs to NOT pick him up, as he was hoping to land in Chicago (with a better team who also needs help). He’s played for Chicago before and would fit well in Mike Martz”s system. Additionally, he knows the River North area of Chicago well, as it is common knowledge that he likes to party like a bastard. I’m not sure how much of an allure the Power and Light or Plaza would hold for such an unlikely, jet-setting playboy. In fact, I’m afraid that right now, as we speak, Orton is at a trashy bar somewhere in the Midtown area with Sly James‘ son, ready to get his lady-punch on.
Bottom line, who wants someone who doesn’t want you?
Fact 5: Grabbing Orton means the Chiefs have NO confidence in Iowa’s Ricky Stanzi. It goes without saying that Tyler Palko is pretty worthless. Nobody is debating this. So you send him out, you let him suck for a game—maybe two—and then you stick with Rick. If he’s awful, so be it.
And yeah, maybe he becomes a human pancake at the hands of our deplorable offensive line, but you’re leaving no unanswered questions. If you don’t give him a chance, however, in an otherwise optimal situation (nothing to lose), you wasted a 5th round draft pick. Congrats, Pioli.
Fact 6: Orton cost almost nothing, and when the Chiefs let him walk at the end of the season, they get a draft pick. This isn’t a bad thing at all. In this regard, it’s a wonder a shittier team didn’t lay claim (St. Louis, Carolina, Indy, et al).
Fact 7: Kyle Orton has the best neck-beard of anyone in the National Football League. Again, this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. In fact, factoring in QB rating on days where his neck-beard covers more than a 15 square-inch portion above his Adam’s apple, but below his definable jaw-line, Orton is in the 90th percentile of starting quarterbacks. Alright… so I made this fact up. But still, NECK-BEARD.
Fact 8: The Orton move might cost us RG3.
I know, I know, I already covered this.
It’s a big one, though.
Seriously, if the Chiefs end up 5-11 instead of 4-12, and the pick before KC takes Griffin, (Washington? Minnesota? Seattle?), and the Chiefs end up with La’Michael Fatson, a defensive tackle from the University of Delaware, I’m gonna be pissed. REALLY pissed. NECK-BEARD pissed. And nobody wants that.
I hope I’m wrong about all of this.
I’m afraid I’m not.