Leftridge: Facts About the Kyle Orton Pick-Up; Chiefs Subtract with Addition

Fact 1: The Chiefs picked Kyle Orton up on Wednesday, before more deserving teams (see: teams in actual playoff contention) could do so. If you’re the Chicago Bears, the Houston Texans, the Detroit Lions (come on—we all know it’s a matter of time before Matt Stafford separates his shoulder reaching for his soda at a Wendy’s drive-thru), the Philadelphia Eagles (Vick is more vulnerable than an emaciated pit-bull in a throat-tearing-contest… too soon? Nope) or the Dallas Cowboys (see: the Detroit Lions’ conundrum), you’ve gotta be super-pissed.

What business do the god-awful Chiefs have in making this move? Well, none, really.

Fact 2: Kyle Orton is better than Matt Cassel. Easily. Inarguably.

Cassel, in seven professional seasons, has thrown for 11,699 yards. Orton has played in six, and he’s thrown for 13,753. Orton has thrown more TD’s (and more interceptions, but “pobodies nerfect” LOL LOL LOL LOL), gets sacked significantly less (probably because he doesn’t flee at the drop of a mouthpiece) and has a better completion percentage (career, vs. Cassel’s time in KC). It’s also worth noting that Cassel has had the benefit of better receivers (Randy Moss, Wes Welker, Dwayne Bowe, hell, even Jabar Gaffney) than Orton (Brandon Marshall, Brandon Lloyd and… well, Jabar, again).

Cassel sucks. Orton sucks slightly less.

Fact 3: The fact that Orton is better is a bad thing, because he gives Kansas City a greater chance to win than Cassel did. And why is this bad? Well, it means that the Chiefs could pull off one or two more wins than they might have with Matt. This means that their draft-positioning suffers, and my dream of Robert Griffin III wearing red and gold goes unrealized.

While I was only mildly supportive of the “Suck for Luck” campaign (nobody should consciously root AGAINST their team—you know, unless they’ve got like, ‘they’re gonna take my kid’s finger’ money on the game), I was firmly in the “Lay a Turd for Robert Griffin the Third” camp. Look, once it became clear that the Chiefs were as awful as they are, but not quite as bad as Indianapolis, all bets were off the table. At that point, I say lose, and lose heartily, boys.

Fact 4: Kyle doesn’t want to be here. He reportedly asked the Chiefs to NOT pick him up, as he was hoping to land in Chicago (with a better team who also needs help). He’s played for Chicago before and would fit well in Mike Martz”s system. Additionally, he knows the River North area of Chicago well, as it is common knowledge that he likes to party like a bastard. I’m not sure how much of an allure the Power and Light or Plaza would hold for such an unlikely, jet-setting playboy. In fact, I’m afraid that right now, as we speak, Orton is at a trashy bar somewhere in the Midtown area with Sly James‘ son, ready to get his lady-punch on.

Bottom line, who wants someone who doesn’t want you?

Fact 5: Grabbing Orton means the Chiefs have NO confidence in Iowa’s Ricky Stanzi. It goes without saying that Tyler Palko is pretty worthless. Nobody is debating this. So you send him out, you let him suck for a game—maybe two—and then you stick with Rick. If he’s awful, so be it.

And yeah, maybe he becomes a human pancake at the hands of our deplorable offensive line, but you’re leaving no unanswered questions. If you don’t give him a chance, however, in an otherwise optimal situation (nothing to lose), you wasted a 5th round draft pick. Congrats, Pioli.

Fact 6: Orton cost almost nothing, and when the Chiefs let him walk at the end of the season, they get a draft pick. This isn’t a bad thing at all. In this regard, it’s a wonder a shittier team didn’t lay claim (St. Louis, Carolina, Indy, et al).

Fact 7: Kyle Orton has the best neck-beard of anyone in the National Football League. Again, this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. In fact, factoring in QB rating on days where his neck-beard covers more than a 15 square-inch portion above his Adam’s apple, but below his definable jaw-line, Orton is in the 90th percentile of starting quarterbacks. Alright… so I made this fact up. But still, NECK-BEARD.

Fact 8: The Orton move might cost us RG3.

I know, I know, I already covered this.

It’s a big one, though.

Seriously, if the Chiefs end up 5-11 instead of 4-12, and the pick before KC takes Griffin, (Washington? Minnesota? Seattle?), and the Chiefs end up with La’Michael Fatson, a defensive tackle from the University of Delaware, I’m gonna be pissed. REALLY pissed. NECK-BEARD pissed. And nobody wants that.

I hope I’m wrong about all of this.

I’m afraid I’m not.


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10 Responses to Leftridge: Facts About the Kyle Orton Pick-Up; Chiefs Subtract with Addition

  1. Sherman says:

    Interesting insight Brandon, thanks

    I guessing Brandon diod not pick todays pictures….. thus…..

    hearne, come on man, if we NEVER see another stupid “couples picture” (like the one above) it will fine. Believe it, or not, having no pictures on a story page IS OK too, especially when the pictures you might insert add nothing to the story.

  2. Merle Tagladucci says:

    BL you should know by now it doesn’t matter where we end up drafting in 2012. Pioli will F it up. Each failed and bungled draft pick he has made don’t just equal one mistake…all those solid, productive players he passed on and chose NOT to draft are equally huge mistakes. Those mistakes by Pioli have not only crippled the development of the Chiefs, they’ve empowered other teams around the league to make progress and get better by adding starters, Pro Bowlers and quality depth.

    Eric Berry has been Pioli’s best pick – and that was supposedly made at the urging of Haley. After Berry, the next best picks Pioli has made are Succop and Moeaki, and Succop was an afterthought. Every other draft pick Pioli has made has under-performed, with the exception of Kendrick Lewis, a fifth round pick. If a fifth round pick turns into a guy who can carry the water bucket it’s considered a win.

    So get ready for him to pass on RGIII. That kid will never put on a Chiefs uniform. Once Pioli is fired and Josh McDaniels is hired, the entire Chiefs fanbase will turn in their season tickets and then we’ll hear Pioli selling how well Matt Cassel and McDaniels worked together in New England, Cassel will get an extension and Pioli will continue his quest to create the Kansas City Patriots. Place your bets now because it will happen. Until that day of doom, one more look at the drafting whiffs Pioli has made……

    # – Pro Bowler

    2009 – 1st round (Tyson Jackson)
    B.J. Raji
    Brian Orakpo#
    Brian Cushing#
    Alex Mack#
    Clay Matthews#
    MIchael Oher

    2009 – 3rd round (Alex Magee)
    Mike Wallace#
    Lardarius Webb

    2010 – 2nd round (Dexter McCluster & Javier Arenas)
    Nate Allen
    Rob Gronkowski
    Sean Lee
    Terrence Cody
    Pat Angerer
    Carlos Dunlap

    *Could have traded both 2nd round picks to move back into late 1st round for…
    Rodger Saffold
    Devin McCourty
    Bryan Bulaga

    2011 – 1st round (Jon Baldwin)
    Read this -> http://bleacherreport.com/articles/950517-nfl-stock-watch-which-rookie-wr-has-the-brightest-long-term-future

    Get ready for La’Michael Fatson. “He was leader of his Boy Scout troop”

  3. Brandon Leftridge says:

    You make some great points, Merle… and while I hope you’re wrong– I really, REALLY hope– the logical side of me knows you’re right.

  4. Brandon Leftridge says:

    Sherman– I DID actually pick the photos– I generally do on all of my pieces. The Orton photo with the bosomy gal was chosen simply because he looks really drunk, and his hard-partying was pretty well-known when he was in Chicago. There were better photos of him completely wasted– one where he’s shotgunning a beer, for example– but I usually try to find higher-quality photos.

    I appreciate your input re: “couples pictures” and will make note going forward.

    Thanks for reading, by the way.

  5. Sherman says:

    Oops….. ok….. sorry hearne….. Thanks for the clarification Brandon. nuf said… 🙂

    Still, again,,,good story….. Im still reading up on the Orton story, and I appreciate you posting info on your off day….
    It will be interesting to see how it all works out.

    Happy Thanksgiving everybody

  6. Mark X says:

    Uh, you could have condensed this post to this:

    “Cassel sucks. Orton sucks slightly less.”

    That is the bottom line …

  7. Kerouac says:

    4 for 1 deal
    If this were childhood and these guys were Topps football cards, we could put together a package of all of our junk and “I’ll trade you a ca$$el, orton, palko & stanzi for your Aaron Rodgers!”

  8. Sherman says:

    BTW- Dont miss the game of the year tomorrow. 1:30 on CBS- LSU plays Arkanasas.
    Cancel the BS championship game… where “they” will do some BS popularity contest
    to see who gets a shot at LSU….. If LSU goes undefeated…. /end of line

    ABOUT CALLING ANYONE A NATIONAL CAHMPION. And please, no one try telling me a playoff
    seris is bad for the kids or school…blah blah blah…THEY DO A PLAYOFF IN DVIV 2….. WHY NOT DIV 1???

  9. smartman says:

    It’s The Pubes!
    Forget the NECK BEARD. Rumor is his pubic hair goes down the inside of his thighs and up around the bottom part of his ass. This guy is retro 70’s porn GOLD.

    Poor Tyler Palkotucky. Guess he didn’t understand that “SOMETIMES YOU ONLY GET ONE CHANCE IN LIFE” is more than a cliche’ maxim. Everybody knows that when you get that date with a HOT CHICK who is way out of your league you gotta rub a couple out before the date so you can last all four quarters. The only thing he’ll be backin’ up this time next year will be cars at the valet stand.

  10. Orphan of the Road says:

    Matt Cassel IS Bobby Hoying
    I thought Orton would have been a better fit for KC than Cassel in the beginning. Which isn’t saying too much.

    Orton will be (trying to) playing for a new contract with a new team next year. So he will be doing everything he can to get wins.

    Merle said it right, Pioli could fuck up a crowbar in a corn field when it comes to the draft.

    Hopefully we get to see Haley & Orton rolling on the ground “discussing” the previous series.

    KC doesn’t even make ESPN’s five worst teams after last weeks beat down. So SUCK FOR LUCK & LAY A TURD FOR RWIII sail into the sunset as the fans wave good-bye to another dream. Cut the Fuggs’ Wet Dream Over You.

    PS Brandon, why would the Eagles pick up Orton? Their backup is 31-17, as goofy as the guy he replaces and doesn’t require much of an adjustment to the playbook. Joe “Nickels” Banner laughs at Pioli & The Clarks penny pinching. These guys have been under the cap longer and stupider than the Chiefs could dream.

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