Car: Honk If You Love Jesus; Top 12 Gay Cars (Don’t Even Ask How Many I’ve Owned)

Don’t take this the wrong way, but…

Between the rancor over Craig Glazer‘s new, sizzling hot Lotus Evora – and the thumping I’ve taken over trading my earth-saving Toyota Prius for an ever-so-humble Fiat 500 – it got me to thinking. Because ever since Fiat’s J Lo TV spots began running during Chiefs games, all I’ve heard is how unmanly the little bugger is.

And clearly, the dudes who like to knock the Fiat most are Mini Cooper worshippers.

That despite the fact that the Mini lists for $5,000 more, has several inches less rear legroom and has 50 percent less trunk space. Yeah, the Fiat’s a bit slower, but it rides better, handles about the same and gets better mileage.

But back to the "manly man" stuff…

If the Mini’s so damn macho, why is it nearly half its drivers are chicks?

And who exactly is buying all those Union Jack decals atop the Mini’s roof? Could it be gay car buyers? Which got me to thinking; am I driving a chick magnet – as some have implied – or a gay-mobile?

Exactly which cars are considered "gay" and are most popular with gay car buyers?

As Greg Hall likes to say, read on…

So Is the Mini Cooper a "gay car"?

"Yes, but it all depends on how much you like it, sometimes being feminine is not bad, but if you insist, YES it is," answers Kristy22 on Yahoo Answers.

"Heck no!" counters Kala. "My neighbor is about 6 foot 2 inches tall and he has a cooper with racing stripes and checkered mirrors! its awesome!!"

No way, adds ottomatic11.

"If you buy a MINI you must be loyal to the brand and buy it for the reasons that are not ‘gay’ I’m a guy and I have one, some people say its not my type of car, but those are the people who just look at cars and see whether or not it’s ‘cute’… If you do buy a MINI, don’t forget to wave at your fellow MINI drivers, those who wave buy MINI’s for the right reasons…all others fail."

I dunno, I don’t think I’d cite checkered mirrors, cookie cutter hood stripes, flag tops and waving at strangers in defense of the Mini not being "gay." But that’s just me.

Now let’s take a look at some other cars that are considered gay.

Full disclosure, both my Fiat and Prius made the cut, but I’ll try to be objective.

Believe it or not, let’s start with the Christian Web site Christwire.org.   

"Go to any Sunday service and you will notice that almost all of the cars are good large American cars," begins Christwire’s "Top 12 Gay Cars That Want to Tailgate You" story. "Buicks, Cadillacs, Chevys even the occasional Ford or Dodge. Why are those cars parked up front? Those cars are driven by the people who want to get to church early, by the good folks who crave the word of the lord and live the life that he has described for us."

Uh oh, I can see this one coming from a mile away…

"You’ll notice that in the back are the Toyotas and Hondas," Christwire continues. "Those are the people who come at the last minute, the ones who are more concerned about 30 minutes more sleep than the nourishment of the lord. Many people find it amusing how we can see what one’s choice in vehicular conveyance says about that person.

"It is a fact and has been written about several times on christwire about the damage that the wrong choice in vehicle can have on you. Not only does it infect you, but it affects how other people see you. What message do you want to get across? ‘I am a proud American’ or ‘I like it in the pooper.’ ”

Tell me I did not just read that. Oh well, hang on, here we go…

"The following list is cars you probably want to stay away from unless your the captain of the High School Wrestling team," christwire cautions.

THE TOP 12 GAY CARS

1) THE FIAT 500: "One look will tell you that it is designed for teenage girls and homosexuals," christwire claims.

2) THE MAZDA MIATA: "(When Mazda) fIrst brought it’s MX-5 to our shores in 1989, (It) was universally accepted by women and homosexual men. Strangely it also gained some renown in road racing circles. But to this day the car has never overcome the gay stigma, and for good reason."

3) SMART FORTWO: "This 4 wheeled fag hag is an abomination from the land of the Huns, Germany…The current generation of so called ‘smart cars’ uses an engine sourced from Mitsubishi Motors, completing the axis of evil."

4) VOLKSWAGON BEETLE: "This car is the quintessential gay car. In 1933, Adolf Hitler gave the order to Ferdinand Porsche to develop a Volkswagen – ‘people’s car’ in Germany – and it has been corrupting the morals of young drivers for almost 9 decades. Beware any man driving one."

5) GERMAN CARS IN GENERAL: "Any car from Germany is subject to being driven by a homosexual at any time. Many articles on Chirstwire have been written about the dangers of German society. Some of the other makes of German cars that you should watch out for are Mercedes-Benz, Bavarian Motor Works (aka BMW), Audi, Porsche, Volkswagon, and the Mini Cooper."

6) ENGLISH CARS IN GENERAL: "Much like Germany, England is a country of sinful smutty filth. Just like their television programs that they export to the world to ruin its morals, their cars are cesspits of sin and damnation."

Wait, there’s more.

"In 1961 the English, under the guise of car maker Jaguar created the ultimate in homosexual cars. The Jaguar E-type. It is a car that is shaped like a penis! Nothing can be gayer than that!"

7) THE HONDA CIVIC: "Honda first introduced the Civic in 1972. In the last decade it has become a poster child for the homosexual youth culture, who often dress them up with tacky and gaudy spoilers, plastic bits and tattoos reminiscent of tribal Japanese art. Usually these Japanese characters that they place on the cars describe the types of homosexual acts they prefer to engage in."

OMG, I had one of these, too – a Civic Hybrid.

8) TOYOTA PRIUS: "This car almost goes with out saying. Everyone knows it is gay, I am not even going to discuss it further."

9)  THE FORD MUSTANG: "In 1979 Ford brought out the newly designed third generation mustang. The design ran until 1993. It was an extra long life for the car as the car Ford designed to replace it, was so gay Mustang owners complained by the millions. This car became the Probe, a fitting name for a car that got so much anal stimulation…

"To this very day the Mustang 5.0 in universally owned by homosexuals. It is often used by Drag Racers such as Rupaul."

Shoot, I owned a Mustang and a Probe – what was I thinking?

10)  THE CHEVY AVEO: "With such a booming market as homosexuals, and with financial problems on the horizon GM had to appeal to any market available. This homosexual target vehicle manufactured since 2002, by the South Korean General Motors subsidiary, GM Daewoo and later by other GM-affiliated entities, is custom made for the gay market. Just look at the rear hatch, it is ready for lots of rear entry."

11) THE HUMMER: "Originally produced for the US military, and then with production of civilian versions GM was hoping for a bang. Unfortunately they got a gang bang from the massive amount of homosexuals who were drawn to the truck for its name. GM was not aware that a ‘hummer’ is code for a homosexual sex act using the mouth and phallus."

12) HARLEY DAVIDSON MOTORCYCLES: "For decades promiscuous women and homosexual men have been drawn to the rhythmic vibrations of motorcycles. They have even formed gangs and groups dedicated to getting their sinful jollies while riding around in public while wearing leather and chaps."

Hey, with stories like " New Tim Tebo Jerseys Prove Denver Broncos as Jesus’ Choice" and "51 Christian Friendly Words for Breasts," the highly-trafficed Web site whose slogan is "Conservative Values for an Unsaved World" may seem an unlikley source for gay-friendly rides. At least there’s no evidence of Topeka wildcat Fred Phelps fingerprints there.

Oops, spoke too soon.

On closer inspection there are nine stories with Phelps mentions, including one in April of 2010 headlined, "Pastor Fred Phelps Is Not A Secret Gay Pedophile!"

"I don’t know what liberal underground organization has been spreading these nasty rumors but they are wholly unproven and offensive," it begins. "In fact, no one in Pastor Fred’s organization has confirmed these vicious statements and the pastor himself is happily married and has even fathered several children."

I give up!

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14 Responses to Car: Honk If You Love Jesus; Top 12 Gay Cars (Don’t Even Ask How Many I’ve Owned)

  1. Come on says:

    shred mu
    You mention Pinkle about Penn state….. but ignore his DWI? come on man……. this is a golden opoortunity to shred mu.

  2. smartman says:

    Automatically Gay
    Any car without a proper manual transmission is GAY!

    Paddle shifters make you a Jerry Sandusky-esque GAY PEDOPHILE.

    Cars with automatic transmissions let you drive with one hand and jerk yourself or your gay passenger off with the other making them the ULTIMATE in GAY CARS. And what other car besides the LOTUS offers you letters to spell SLUT?

  3. Rogger says:

    Your Score, Hearne?
    Did you cover nine out of ten, and then get a couple bonus points for color and accessory choices? I think I can get you a sweet deal on a basic Aveo with AM radio and optional roof rack, swapping out your chicky-poo Fiat, and that would give you a royal flush….if you get my drift.

    Are you sure you don’t want me to have a little talk with your girlfriend?

  4. Mark X says:

    … agree with smartman … and a few more …
    … anything automatic = gay

    Very good list, Hearne, you did forget Subaru. ALL Subarus are gay. And a few more I’d add …

    *Nissan Leaf
    *Ford Fiesta
    *any Volvo convertible
    *Chevrolet Camaro

  5. bschloz says:

    Nothing Wrong with it
    Marketing not gay > http://tinyurl.com/6nte978

  6. Hearne Christopher says:

    Nah, she already nixed you. Sorry.

    As for my “chicky-poo” car, I’m first in line for a black Abarth.

    My score? I’ve owned and driven 9 of the cars mentioned here. Thought you’d never ask.

  7. Rip says:

    MISSING THE STORY OF THE DAY
    The story of the day is MU (AGAIN) embarrassing the Big 12
    with the antics of its drunken head football coach getting a DWI,
    and you are talking about gay-ass cars? How can this be? What is going on?

  8. Rogger says:

    First in Line for Black Abarth?
    You really can’t get enough punishment, can you? Couldn’t you just live with one good fleecing by the Italians, and let it go at that?

    Let’s meet out at the Mini store and get you a real car that’s time-proven, truly high performance, and fully accepted in all auto circles.

  9. Hearne Christopher says:

    Hey, there are 8 million stories in the Naked Cowtown. This has been one of them.

  10. Hearne Christopher says:

    Thank you for the lovely invitation, but I’ll pass. Wanted a Mini a few years back but the rear seat legroom for my kids, small trunk and no spare tire option turned me off.

    Now I’m tired of watching everybody and their uncle trucking around in them. And the car reviewers say the same thing; ride’s too harsh, even sans the sport suspension and the Giant tach is for posers. Not to mention that to option one out properly is a giant ripoff.

    I took a base 500 Sport and optioned a base Mini with the same features and it ran the price up ridiculously. And for what? So I can point to the movie “The Italian Job” as proof I’m not driving a chick car? You’re familiar with Product Placement, I assume.

    But let’s make a deal; feel free to wave at me from your Mini when you see me on the road.

  11. Rogger says:

    No Mini’s In My Garage, Pal
    You’ll be waving at me in a F-150 4×4 little buddy. You’re the one who’s obsessed with small cars, not me.

    Your record of going light-loafered for the chick cars is majorly bad. Nine out of ten?? Holy shit, do you really have a girlfriend?

    If you’re gonna drive these little tin turds, at least get one that doesn’t come from a Dodge Truck store. If you can medicate yourself slightly, I think you can work around the “oversize” tach in the Mini, at least it’s not made by Pizzonne.

    Then you can go mainstream with excellent resale and a very reputable dealer network.

  12. Hearne Christopher says:

    Well, first of all there were 12, not 10. Secondly, because more than one car was mentioned some categories like the Mustang / Probe, I doubled up here and there.

    And third, you better have a tool box mounted to the bed of that pickup, or I’m gonna sic the Earth Police on ya for being wasteful and helping add to our dependence on foreign oil.

    The obvious solution, I’ll be happy to take you car shopping in my gaymobile. And uh, don’t take that the wrong way.

  13. Rogger says:

    Shopping….Where, at Banana Republic??Baby Gap??
    Sorry pal, most of my stuff comes from Bass Pro, Cabela’s, or Mickey’s Surplus in Argentine; not one of your “Save the Planet” Rainbow places. Ever own a piece of Carhartt clothing?….I doubt it.

    Yes, there’s a toolbox on the truck, full of USA-made tools, and it even burns E85 ethanol if necessary. Almost like goin’ Green, huh?

    Rogger (that’s long “o” and two hard “g’s”. Just FYI.

  14. I Screwed Your Mother says:

    You gay bro
    Your gay. This article is gay. And YOUR car is gay.

    Btw, I fucked your mother. Hard. In her ass. The same hole you came out of (your human shit). She screamed like the cunt she is. It was soooo nice. Then I filled her up;)

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