This HAS to spell the end for Boxcar Haley’s reign of terror, right? Please tell me he’ll be shown the door tomorrow, lest I vomit blood down the front of my vintage Marc Boerigter jersey.
And before people start freaking out, and shouting that this was a team loss, let me stop you: you’re right. It was ABSOLUTEY a team loss.
Matt Cassel was his usual, terrible self. Jonathan Baldwin—who had one of the top catches of the year negated by a penalty (not his fault)—dropped balls like he was playing with hooks for hands. The offensive line was disgusting, getting soundly beat on a majority of their plays. The defensive line, which has been a continual weakness throughout this season, let some jerk named Lance Ball run over them.
YOU CANNOT LET LANCE BALL BEAT YOU.
Similarly, you cannot lose at home when Tim Tebow completes TWO PASSES for 69 yards. Sick.
And so I’m sorry, Todd Haley, but you’ve GOT to go. You couldn’t get your team up for a home-game against a divisional rival, with FIRST PLACE ON THE LINE (insane, right?), a week after an embarrassing home-shellacking against an awful Miami Dolphins team. Inexcusable. You’ve lost the players. They’re not buying whatever homemade wine you’re selling, and so this spells the end, buddy.
But frankly, it doesn’t matter WHO is calling the shots at this point in the year. Oh sure, the Chiefs are still only a game out of first place—Christ, this division is bad—but looking down the schedule, it’s entirely feasible that we’ve seen their last win of the year. So cherish that Monday night victory against the Chargers, kids, because that was as good as it gets.
I struggled to find ONE good thing about this game, but I finally found it late in the 4th, with Tebow sitting on the bench, undoubtedly praising JC for lending a hand, and it was this: Tim Tebow is TOTALLY going bald. With his helmet off, bold, hairless patches were clearly visible throughout his big, square head.
So take THAT, Tebow. You may have handled the Chiefs, but you’re going to look like Matt Hasselbeck in about three years.
Maybe there IS a God!
On to more positive things…
My relationship with Kansas State is a complicated one.
See, at the beginning of the season, I doubted them. Hard. I thought they were a really middle of the pack team, destined for a repeat performance in the Pinstripe Bowl, whatever the hell that is.
But they turned out to be a lot better. MUCH better, in fact.
It’s like a shitty marriage. You know the type. One minute, K-State, that beautiful, purple bastard (who I thought I could change—that’s on me!) is forgetting our anniversary to spend the evening eating wings with his fantasy football nerd-friends (i.e. getting the crap knocked out of them by a clearly superior Oklahoma team), and the next, K-State is taking me out to dinner at Fuddruckers, letting me put ANYTHING I want on my burger, and making sweet love to me on the floor in front of the space-heater (Saturday’s 4 OT thriller against Texas A&M).
It was a hell of a win, though, Collin Klein was amazing (103 yards rushing with 5 TDs, 281 yards passing with 1 TD) and the Cats have a chance to officially win back my heart (I know they don’t MEAN to hurt me… sometimes I deserve it) with a big game next week against Texas, in Austin.
Speaking of Texas…
They dropped a doozy against Mizzou in Columbia on Saturday, failing to score a touchdown for the first time since 2004. I feel like Texas has been over-ranked most of the season, and they’re entering a stretch where that’s likely to become more apparent.
Mizzou—who finally gave a commitment ring to the SEC this week—had piss-poor attendance (hunting season. How… rural) and lost running back Henry Josey, probably for the year. Kansas City Star MU scribe Mike DeArmond said he spoke with orthopedic surgeon Pat Smith who told him, “Done. Done for the year.” Not a good sign for a team who is remarkably better when Josey gets the ball, and is probably itching to end their final run in the Big 12 on a big “fuck you.”
(ed. note– it has been confirmed that Josey tore all sorts of business in his knee, has had surgery and is, in fact, done for the year)
Their final game of the regular season is against Kansas, though, so you can go ahead and chalk that up as a good, old-fashioned hillbilly-beating.
How bad is Kansas? Well, how much time you got?
Turner Gill—who I seriously can’t believe is still employed—went for two in OT, which was terribly stupid and cost his team a potential victory in what could have been a huge upset against a much better Baylor team. I heard people defending the conversion attempt, and to those people, I’d like to offer a collective, “How fucking high are you?”
Look, I get it… there’s really not much to play for at this point. The season, the tenure of Gill, and the career of most of these kids are all lost causes. But come on, you had a chance to at least make a statement. Hell, ESPN would have been all over that shit. Okay, so I suppose ESPN is still all over that shit, but for all the wrong reasons.
You kick the extra point and you try-try again. No excuses.
Oh, and Penn State lost a game against Nebraska. I’ve heard there was sort of significance attached to this game, but I couldn’t find out much about it on the Ultranet. I’ll let you know if I hear anything else about it.
Hot Fucking Stove News:
Baseball’s offseason is in full swing and I love it. Kidnappings, trades, free-agent signings, new uniforms… so far, there’s a little bit of everything. First, the kidnapping.
Washington Nationals catcher Wilson Ramos was safely returned after a harrowing ordeal in which he was kidnapped from his home in San Francisco, California…
Wait, scratch that. I’m being told it was in Venezuela. I hope you were sitting down for that, and I apologize for failing to properly forewarn you.
Far be it from me to “chit” on a whole nation, but give me a break. Look, I know he was there playing in the winter league, and that’s fine… a lot of players do that. But the thing is, the Americans and Canadians who travel down to play a little ball don’t face this sort of unbridled craziness. See, Ramos lives in his home-nation during the offseason, and to this, I say, “Why?”
I don’t get it. I don’t get any of these Venezuelans who insist on continuing to make their home in a destitute nation where kidnapping is a viable means of income-generation. It happens often—to players, their family members, etc.—and it’s pretty easily remedied by MOVING YOUR FAMILY TO NOT VENEZUELA. When was the last time a professional baseball player was kidnapped and held for ransom in the United States? What’s that? Never, you say? Why, that’s CRAZY talk!
Look, lots of professional athletes come from less than ideal conditions right here in the good ol’ US of A. And what do they do when they sign their first big contract? They get the fuck out of the projects. And while some go back, and sometimes even pay the price for their stupidity, for the most part it’s a non-issue. They sure as shit don’t get kidnapped and held for ransom.
Ramos, who was coming off of a solid rookie season, managed to keep a good attitude about the ordeal that ended with a shootout between federal agents and bad-guys. “Now it’s time for me to enjoy my family, my baseball and the fact I’m single, no girlfriend,” he actually said to a gaggle of reporters. Laughs all around, Wilson, but seriously… GET OUT.
In other HF’ingS news, Jonathan Papelbon signed a big-ass contract with the Phillies, who were in desperate need of a closer. Papelbon, who had a bounce-back season in 2011 with 31 saves and a 2.94 ERA, is much richer and hopefully up to the task. He still feels like damaged goods to me in a lot of ways, and if I were a Phillies fan, I’d probably be a little concerned with a guy who will be turning 31 in a few weeks and coming off a year where he posted his second highest ERA and lowest save total. And again, that was a bounce-back year.
The Royals, meanwhile, picked up San Francisco starter Jonathan Sanchez for expendable outfielder Melky Cabrera. I really like this move. Sanchez—who is coming off an injury-laden 2011—has multiple plus-pitches, a great swing-and-miss ratio and has pitched a real-life big league no-hitter (so take THAT, Joakim Soria’s Mexican League perfect game from 2006). He’s young enough, a much better option than Jeff Francis and playing on a one-year deal. Very low risk.
And while I really like what Cabrera was able to do here, and wouldn’t have minded seeing him stay at all if the right deal hadn’t happened along, we’ve got a viable option in CF with Greinke-trade result Lorenzo Cain.
So I say adios, Leche, may San Fran treat you right.
And finally, the Miami Marlins are making waves.
That’s right, the “Miami” Marlins.
They’ve changed their name, they’re in new digs, and they’re courting free-agents both big named (Albert Pujols has reportedly been offered a contract, and they’ve met with Jose Reyes and Mark Buehrle) and unknown (highly-sought Cuban defector Yoenis Cespedes is being targeted to man CF).
Oh, and they’ve changed their uniforms to something decidedly more… flamboyant?
The problem is, the Marlins attendance has been notoriously terrible—mulleted chicks don’t CARE about the long-ball, apparently, let alone “dig it”—and owner Jeffrey Loria is a tight-ass rivaled only by our own David Glass. His tenure is best categorized by tearing down successful nucleuses in the effort to save a buck. Unless he’s genuinely committed to building a perennial winner—and waving a pretty new cap and smiling isn’t commitment enough—I don’t think a real change is afoot.
But hey, at least they’ve got gorgeous beaches and a bunch of bronze-skinned half-nude pretty people. Who needs sports?
This week’s Winners and Losers:
Winner: Tony Romo
I’ve never liked Romo. I don’t think he’ll ever turn into a consistent threat. He gets hurt too easily, and his injuries always seem to plague him for months after the fact. That said, he had a remarkably efficient performance in the Dallas Cowboys thumping of the Buffalo Bills yesterday. He completed 23 of 26 passes, for 270 yards and 3 touchdowns. His completion percentage of 88.5 set a Dallas Cowboys’ record. Whenever you’re setting passing records for the Cowboys, it’s no small feat. Kudos to Tony. Now go back to being frustrating so I don’t feel like an idiot.
Loser: The Entire Philadelphia Eagles Organization
The preseason favorite to dominate has been deplorable, to put it mildly.
Michael Vick continued to struggle against the lowly Arizona Cardinals on Sunday, throwing 2 picks to go with his 0 touchdowns. QB rating? 32.5. It certainly didn’t help that DeSean Jackson was benched for apparently missing a team meeting and former Mizzou stud Jeremy Maclin was hindered by an injury.
For those of you who picked up Arizona back-up QB Red Skelton, however, job well done (okay, I know nobody actually has him on their team, and I know that his name isn’t actually RED Skelton… it’s Ike). He looked positively electric with 315 yards and 3 TDs.
The Eagles dropped to 3-6 on the season. Their probability of making the playoffs at this point? Negative penis.