Leftridge: Cardinals Win Much Less Exciting, Much More Important Game

Much like the recently crowned 11-time World Champion St. Louis Cardinals, I just can’t lose folks. What’s that old Jerry Reed song? When You’re Hot, You’re Hot? That’s right. That song’s about me, and my mad game-prediction skills.

See, from the beginning, I’ve been calling this a Cardinals’ championship in 7. If you don’t believe me—and frankly, I’m a little insulted—go back and check yesterday’s piece. It’s all right there, laid out cleanly (and honestly). I even called how the shit would go down, you see? Allen Craig starting in leftfield? Yeah, I knew he’d get Berkman and The Bombers started early with a blast off of Texas starter Matt Harrison. That set the table for a persistent offensive attack that didn’t let up.

So, congratulations to Tony LaRussa and his Cardinals, and in fact, the whole goddamned city of St. Louis. Man, I love that place. The Arch. The Professional Bowling Hall of Fame. That runny fucking Provel cheese they insist on putting on all of their pizzas. What a fine little town.

Ok… you got me. I can’t go on living this charade.

Maybe I didn’t pick the Cardinals. Maybe I was completely wrong. I guess the pressure of picking at such a high rate of success just overcame me. It ain’t easy keeping up with the Glazers.

Furthermore, maybe I don’t like Provel cheese. In fact, I think it’s disgusting. To be quite honest, it tastes like a hobo jizzed all over my pie. It’s gross. And as long as we’re getting confessional, maybe I should say that I don’t like the city of St. Louis at all. As a born and bred Royals’ fan, the internal flame of hatred that burns for the Birds is too much to negotiate.

I went up in the big fucking Arch once. You know what? Not a big deal at all.

But I suppose as an impartial (ha!) sports writer, I should give credit where credit is due.

The Cardinals—who weren’t even supposed to be here—played one hell of a postseason and a really solid series. It seemed like every time you turned around, someone different was contributing (well, except Skip Schumakerdude was completely useless).

Craig stole a Nelson Cruz homerun that could have been a huge momentum shifter. David Freese—who set the record for the most RBI in a postseason with 21 and took home MVP honors—made a difficult catch near the 3rd base dugout that would have been totally dropped in Game 6. Ace Chris Carpenter struggled early but became virtually untouchable for the remainder of his 6 innings.

That’s not to say that the Rangers didn’t beat themselves mercilessly, like a teenage kid left alone for the evening with a pilfered Juggs magazine.

Texas relief pitcher Scott Feldman—who will be playing Abe Lincoln in a one-act play I’m writing—came in and pitched the 5th like… well… I suppose like Abe Lincoln would have pitched it: highly ineffectively. He walked Craig. He skimmed Albert Pujols’ jersey with an inside pitch. He intentionally walked Mr. Freese. He walked Yadier Molina. Ok, wait—are you keeping track here? Walk, hit batter, walk, walk. That equals a run, folks!

(Fun fact: the last person to be walked with the bases loaded in a Game 7? KC’s Jim Sundberg in the ’85 World Series. Go Royals!)

So then Texas manager Ron Washington—who really did himself no favors at ALL this game—brought in starter CJ Wilson… who proceeded to plunk Rafael Furcal in the ass on a first pitch with a throw so ridiculous, it looked like Furcal owed him money. Another run scored, and frankly, that was all that St. Louis needed.

They held the lead, they got the win, and now I have to listen to all of the gloating from Cardinals’ fans.

But that’s fine, seriously. They really do deserve it. Getting the chance under the most improbable of circumstances, they capitalized in outstanding fashion And I’m sure they’ve got a tremendously bright future—you know, with Carpenter, who turns 37 next April, and Lance Berkman, who turns 36 next February, and Matt Holliday, who is apparently broken emotionally and physically, and Pujols who is… wait… where’s he going?

Hey Pujols! Dude? Where are you going? Come back here!…

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11 Responses to Leftridge: Cardinals Win Much Less Exciting, Much More Important Game

  1. Mark x says:

    … so now I know …
    “…it tastes like a hobo jizzed all over my pie”

    So THAT’S what hobo cum tastes like? I always wondered ….

  2. Orphan of the Road says:

    The Texas Carpetbaggers lose
    Remember if there was no Texas Rangers we wouldn’t have had George Bush. Nuff said.

    It was a great series to watch. Only thing which didn’t happen it seems was someone stealing first base.

    Had there been no series in 85 KC would have been totally in the Cards camp.

    Big rounders game in Jamesport soon. Will you be covering it? LOL

  3. Brandon Leftridge says:

    “Big rounders game…” “Jamesport.”

    Please tell me we’re talking about a rotund, Amish gangbang. If so, I’m there with my stoically crafted suit on.

  4. Brandon Leftridge says:

    Yeah, leave that shit to me. It’s not worth the Hep C you’re sure to contract. Consider this a public service to my readers.

  5. Orphan of the Road says:

    Amish game similar to baseball but much older. Ball is a little bigger and softer. You can put a runner out by nailing him with the ball.

    If you go you have to try the ball park food, ducks feet and chow chow…

  6. chuck says:


  7. Brandon Leftridge says:

    I am now thoroughly intrigued. I just spent a little time reading up on it. Went to the Jamesport Chamber of Commerce website and didn’t see anything in the ‘events’ section. I’d totally check it out.

  8. randyraley says:

    hello from st. louis
    total agreement on the provel. can’t stand it. still walking around today wondering how the hell this happened. my cardinal roots go back generations to my great grandfather. my mother and father honeymooned at sportsman’s park in st. louis so she could finally see stan play. that’s the very cool thing about baseball..

    “The one constant through all the years, Ray, has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It has been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt and erased again. But baseball has marked the time…”

    nice to see st. louis in the spotlight for something other than being dangerous. yeah, and no cars were overturned or fires set last night. no one got hurt. really like your stuff brandon.

  9. randyraley says:

    bowling hall of fame
    …is now in dallas oddly enough. left here a little while ago

  10. Rick says:

    How can Jimmy John’s call
    themselves a deli if they only carry one kind of cheese, provolone?

  11. Orphan of the Road says:

    Looking for Amish events in a newspaper
    Unless it is the Lancaster Farming, you probably won’t. It’s not like they love us. It is a good thing they are pacifists. Otherwise they would slit our throats at night. It’s like finding a guy on a corner with a bag of weed.

    They play in feedlots so now and then there are some bovine obstacles. Sliding head first isn’t advised.

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