Another week, another batch of moist, delicious Tweets, just like your grandmother used to make. This week had a bit of everything, from deep, dark personal confessions of love, to an undying need to Tweet about nature’s most fascinating creature, the common squirrel.
The big news in the NFL this week—aside from Donvan McNabb’s benching—was the Hail Mary, desperation signing of rouge QB Carson Palmer by the ghost of the recently departed Oakland Raiders’ Head Warlock, Al Davis.
@sportsguy33 (Bill Simmons, sportswriter, ESPN/Grantland.com)
“Oakland traded 2 first round picks for Carson Palmer? Al Davis is still alive!!! I knew it!!!”
@bobfescoe (610 am)
“Why does everyone think the #raiders were dumb? they are a winning team that lost a qb and has no legit back up. desperate times.”
Because, Bob. It was a terrifically stupid move. Trading what could be two 1st round draft picks for a quarterback who hasn’t played in several months– and who hasn’t really been good in a number of years, for that matter– was ASTOUNDINGLY stupid. Glad to see the Raiders’ tradition of making really poor choices lives on, despite the death of their leader.
Speaking of Fescoe, “Bulldog” Bob’s take on everything—from sports to local crime drama—is painful to read. With reference to the hotshot NY attorney brought in to defend the Northland couple who isn’t very believable, I could almost HEAR him typing out a Taco-Penis joke before thinking about the defamation lawsuit he might incur. Delete, DELETE!
So instead, he went with these gems:
@bobfescoe (610 am)
“Again, if there is no trial to get ready for why do they need Tacopina?”
“While we are at it, anyone have a good tilapia recipe”
“There is NO truth to the rumor that Joe Tacopina will be the new commissioner of the Big 12”
Oh, Bobster. Why can’t somebody kidnap YOU instead? Will somebody PLEASE give that dog a bath? His stink is unbearable.
Meanwhile, in Latin Lover news, Jose Canseco was apparently successful enough at the Coin-Star machine to get his internet service turned back on. THANK GOD!!!
“Love my babe Leila”
“I love leila shennib more than anything”
Back on Twitter, and back in love: good to have you back, Jose!
T.J. Moe is a fun Twitter to follow. He provides a super stereotypical look into the life of a college D-1 football player:
@TJMoe28 (WR, Mizzou)
“Done with all obligations for the day at 1030 AM on a friday? Couldn’t tell you the last time that happened.”
“Got my schedule set until graduation. 15 months left. I’ve Got a lot to cram into a short time. It’ll be worth it.”
“Got pulled over on my scooter today…that was a nice conversation. No more riding on the sidewalk”
See? Normal shit, right? Riding a scooter, getting ready for his degree, wholesome. But then he had to go and drop THIS ass-bomb:
“I love Chris Berman. My favorite ESPN guy for sure.”
When I was 11, I thought Chris Berman calling the Home Run Derby and making up hilarious nicknames for people (Barry “U.S.” Bonds? Rich!) was the tits.
You know what else was cool when I was 11? Adam Sandler “comedy” albums, cupping your own fart and smelling it and Ace of Base’s “the Sign”. Well you know what? I opened up my eyes and saw that Chris Berman is a tubby, worthless, untalented hack. I can’t stand to listen to the guy. He simply ruins everything he touches. I rarely have such vitriol for people I’ve never actually met, but I’m pretty sure that if I saw Chris Berman at a Buffalo Wild Wings, I’d punch him in his chins.
Let’s lighten things up in here with a laugh, courtesy of our favorite managerial hothead.
@OzzieGuillen (Florida Marlins manager)
“Whit my people to work miss ozney whit us”
“St louis to work I wish I was on the field”
Alrighty, then. What say YOU, highly-touted Royals’ prospect Wil Myers?
“The office is defiantly the best show on tv”
Two points to make here. A) I’m not sure what, exactly, makes this particular program “defiant,” and B) I hate to be that guy, but the Office has really started to go downhill. Robert California? Andy as manager getting an ass-tattoo? Man, I don’t know. I think it was better before Jim and Pam got together. The characters seemed much less cartoonish, and the storylines didn’t involve weird subplots like ‘Darryl’s depression’ and ‘Andy’s paternal insecurities.’
And speaking of things that are going downhill, somebody seriously needs to take Jayson Stark’s Twitter account away. Seriously.
@jaysonst (Jayson Stark, ESPN baseball analyst, writer)
“The Squirrel has gone big-time here! There’s a dude in a squirrel suit performing between innings. What’s next? Dating Cameron Diaz?”
Jayson—I’m begging you—for the love of all that is holy, STOP WITH THE SQUIRREL JOKES.
@mellinger (Sam Mellinger, Sports Columnist, KC Star)
“So a gentleman calls in, says he’ll picket the Star if I’m not fired, ending with: "Yes, I’ve been drinking, but he’s an ass." #GuyHasAPoint”
Sam, look. I’m sorry, buddy. I’m not gonna lie. I had like, a 5th of Mad Dog Strawberry Kiwi, and it was on an empty stomach, and… I mean… no excuses. I said some things in that call that I shouldn’t have, some things that I’m not proud of. I hope you’ll find it in your heart to forgive me.
“Nothing better than watching "The Office" on the iPad”
Okay, Wil, we get it.
And we close with some notes from the road from my favorite Chiefs Tweeter, Javier Arenas. Arenas had a busy bye-week, wherein he apparently took a road trip:
“Riding thru the Lu banging #nelly”
(I assume he means ‘Lou’ as in, St. Louis)…
…got a gig selling Jell-O brand products (I think)
“Jus went Bill Cosby on this chocolate pudding”
“Goin ham on a zit at the red light and got caught by a dime piece #smh”
See, at first, I thought this was some weird 1920’s lingo that I was completely baffled by (except for the ‘smh’ part, which means ‘shaking my head’ in internet-speak). The more I analyzed it, though, I realized that it essentially means he was caught popping a pimple at a red light by an attractive lady… still not sure what ‘goin ham’ means.
That’s right, I just spent a paragraph analyzing a post from an NFL player about squeezing a pimple. This is why I make the big bucks, folks.