After improbable victories in two straight weeks, the Kansas City Chiefs’ bye-week could not have arrived at a more inopportune time. Instead of building off of an avalanche of momentum, players and coaches alike are left trying to fill the void that a Sunday conquest typically provides.
So, seeing as how idle hands are the devil’s playthings, how are young, rich, testosterone-laden men supposed to stay out of trouble?
I asked around (made stuff up), and was surprised by some of the answers I received.
Check it out.
Coach Todd Haley:
“I plan on doing some diving. You know, dumpster diving. Man, these Leawood cats throw away some pretty nice shit,” he said, wiping a dirt-caked hand across his sweaty brow. “Look!” he exclaimed, holding up a broken lava lamp, “this would be kickass in the basement.”
DE Tyson Jackson:
“I’m thinking ‘bout tryin’ one of them XXL Chalupas they sell over to the Taco Bell. Glenn (Dorsey) says they good, but I don’t know, man. I’ve never been to the Taco Bell.”
QB Matt Cassel:
“I’ve gotta take my wife to some really big antique store she’s been harping about,” Cassel said, fake-shooting himself in the temple with an imaginary pistol. “Wait—don’t tell her I did that shooting thing! Shit.”
CB Javier Arenas:
“Well, I know one night that I’m gonna have all of my buddies come over and stay the night. My mom’s gonna order us pizza and we’re gonna play Mario Kart on the Nintendo 64. I call all-time Wario. That dude is baaaad.”
RB Jackie Battle:
“I’m gonna work really hard at kinda staying invisible, you heard me? So that way, it’s like, outta mind, outta sight, you know? Coach can’t bench what coach can’t see,” Battle said, wearing a long trench coat, a low-pulled cap and an obviously fake mustache.
WR Jon Baldwin:
“I’ma stay at home, too. It’s relatively impossible to get your ass kicked by a teammate when you’re chillin’ at your crib,” Baldwin said with a shrug. “Note to self,” he continued, “don’t throw any parties where teammates are invited.”
So there you have it. Sounds like a lot of low-profile activity for our hometown Chiefs. And that’s a good thing, really. If you’re like Baldwin, or Battle, and plan at sitting home this weekend, here are some things to keep you occupied.
Brewers @ Cardinals
With the series tied, and Milwaukee hosting games 6 and 7, this feels like a must win for the Cardinals. Unfortunately, if you’re a Red Birds fan, the appeal to victory lands squarely on the shoulders of Jaime Garcia. So far this postseason, Garcia is sporting an ERA of 7.36 (13.50 in the NLCS). Positively terrible. On the other hand, Zack Greinke gets the start for the Brewers. He hasn’t been a whole hell of a lot better. In two postseason appearances, his ERA is a voluptuous 8.18. As surprising as it sounds, though, I wouldn’t necessarily anticipate this one being a slugfest. Both Gerinke and Garcia are talented pitchers, and talented pitchers typically find ways to avoid the dreaded trifecta of suck.
Saturday, FOX, 7:05 CT
Tigers @ Rangers (Game 6, if necessary)
Dude, who doesn’t love a good Game Six if necessary? The heightened tension, the buzz in the air. It’s one team’s chance to (possibly) take all and (maybe) advance to the World Series. This one figures to (potentially) be an epic battle between starting pitchers TBA and TBD. Who will “Burr” this duel? Find out by tuning in on Saturday night. (starters are actually penciled in as Scherzer (DET) and Holland (TEX), but these change things so frequently, it’s almost not worth mentioning)
In the event that there is no Game Six if necessary, feel free to watch 1983’s “Cujo” on AMC. Truly, a terrifying classic of American horror… You’ll never look at creepy homosexual children the same way again.
****This just in: Game 6 IS necessary! Enjoy!****
Sunday, 12 CT
San Francisco 49ers (4-1) @ Detroit Lions (5-0)
The 49ers are 4-1, including two road wins. Man, no way are they this good. I just refuse to accept it.
And I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve only recently come around on the Lions. QB Matthew Stafford is fragile and Calvin Johnson has always been one of those ‘gargantuan-potential’ guys who couldn’t seem to string consecutive big games together. Boy, has that changed. “Megatron” has firmly asserted himself as the best receiver in the league and Stafford- who we always knew would be good if he stayed healthy- seems to be as fit as a fiddle.
San Francisco, meanwhile, is a solidly built team with a good defense and a great running back, but any expectations should be tempered with this simple realization: Alex Smith is their quarterback. Like my aversion to accepting the Lions’ abilities this season, I spent far too long defending Smith to people who eventually assumed I was either high or slightly brain damaged. I thought, ‘just give the guy a chance,’ after they’d sit him in order to play retreads like Troy Smith, David Carr, Shaun Hill and JT O’Sullivan. I’ve changed my mind. Look, unless rookie head coach Jim Harbaugh has worked some sort of magic spell—and I’m not necessarily discounting this mind you, only saying it’s unlikely—I think Alex Smith sucks toads and is still living on borrowed time.
All of that being said, I think the Lions win this pretty easily, I just wonder how the 49ers will rebound (…probably by winning the perennially god-awful NFC West with a 7-9 record).
Sunday, 12 CT
Buffalo Bills (4-1) @ New York Football Giants (3-2)
See above, basically.
I’m still having a hard time believing that the Bills are a 4-1 team. Ryan Fitzpatrick’s completion percentage this season is 65.7, up from his career average of 58.8. I don’t CARE that this is his first shot as a full-time, not-having-to-look-over-my-shoulder quarterback. I think he’s bound to come back down to earth—and although he may not crash and burn in the process, I also don’t see him ending the year with a 96.4 QB rating.
And the Giants? 3-2, but again, this feels flimsy. To be honest, I think that the Giants have been overrated since their 2007 Super Bowl victory. They’re the Dallas Cowboys of the… well, the NFC East. Perhaps some of these unrealistic expectations placed upon the team are due to their QB’s legendary last name, and nothing more. The bad news for New York fans is that ol’ Lazy-Eyed Manning just ain’t Peyton.
I think the Giants win this– but not easily– and perhaps only off of some turnover or a special teams play. If this is the case, I’ll find myself still wondering next week how in the world the lowly Bills are 4-2.
So there you go, stuff to watch. Or you know, you could go out and enjoy this wonderful fall weather. Just sayin’.