Twitter was a bit dry over the past week and a half. Not dry like two British guys with monocles sitting in front of a fireplace with snifters full of brandy sharing bawdry limericks, but dry like two octogenarians making sweet, powdery love.
There were no fantastically inaccurate Nick Wright injury updates, Javier Arenas has been mum, and I’m guessing they cut off Jose Canseco’s internet service. I mean, come on, would you be surprised at all if you heard that he couldn’t pay his Comcast bill? I know I wouldn’t.
One thing that did manage to get a lot of Tweets was a renegade squirrel in St. Louis.
Brace yourself for the hilarity.
@jaysonst (Jayson Stark, ESPN baseball analyst, writer)
“There’s never been a greater postseason development than this: They’re holding a squirrel press conf today in St. Louis. Of course they are!”
“Squirrel not expected to address media during press conference in St. Louis. Shockingly, Bullwinkle Moose has also declined comment.”
“What’s the ground rule if a gapper hits that squirrel? I wouldn’t want to fight a squirrel for a baseball even in a postseason game.”
“Schumaker is out of the game. Squirrel now playing second base.”
@Buster_ESPN (Buster Olney, ESPN baseball analyst, writer)
“Where I grew up in Vermont, the squirrel would have already played an elimination game by now.”
So there’s a squirrel afoot in ol’ St. Louie, and apparently, its appearance has turned respected, intelligent baseball analysts into really bad comedy writers. Seriously, I like Jayson Stark, but his incessant Tweeting about something that wasn’t all that hilarious to begin with reminds me of the lame, fat kid in school who farts once by accident, gets a few laughs, and then spends the rest of the day trying to duplicate his earlier success. Eventually, he just shits his pants. Be careful, Jayson.
Meanwhile, another acclaimed sports writer was having his own rodent-related issues:
@JPosnanski (Joe Posnanski, Sports Illustrated)
“There’s a trap on my deck to catch the squirrel that has been waking me up at 4 a.m. I just saw him walk around it and laugh.”
“Good news: Trap caught squirrel. Bad news: It’s wrong squirrel. Worse news: There’s now a squirrel convention on my deck.”
A) It’s karma for leaving KC.
B) Honestly wondering how you differentiate squirrels.
C) Invite Kietzman over. He’ll stomp it to death with his A. Testoni loafers. If there’s one thing I know about that guy, it’s that he loves killing animals on his deck during a beautiful autumnal sunset.
Speaking of Kietz, what’s going on in his world?
@kkwhb (Kevin Kietzman, 810 am)
“KSU student section altering the KSU chant added extreme profanity. Terrible form. Needs to stop.”
Two things here—what’s the definition of ‘extreme’ profanity? Poopycockfuckshit? Because that’s pretty extreme. And two, who elected Kietzman “everyone’s dad”? I sure as poopycockfuckshit I didn’t.
Meanwhile, in former Royals news:
“Yuniesky Betancourt is wrecking the conventional wisdom that you can’t win with him at shortstop.”
Yeah he is! That’s my BOY! Saw that dude gettin’ a sandwich once. REPRESENT. (look, unlike some of the other posters on this site, my celebrity stories are virtually non-existent. I never massaged Sonny Liston’s bunions or had dinner at Spago with Sissy Spacek’s nephew’s gardener. No, I once saw Yuni in my apartment building getting some Mr. Goodcents and shook Bill Clinton’s sweaty, sausaged hand at Santa-Cali-Gon Days when I was 10. LET ME HAVE MY GLORY, DAMNIT)
And in royalty news:
“Prince Fielder’s HR traveled at a speed of 119.2 MPH off his bat. That is the highest speed for any HR hit in the year 2011.”
But not quite as fast as Prince’s power waddle to the buffet line at a wedding reception. You know the move… you’re not quite sure when you’re supposed to get up, so you kinda wait to see which tables are getting ready to make a move, but the DJ hasn’t said anything yet, so you’re tentative, but you stand slowly and push in your chair, and then BOOM! 390 pounds of flesh and fro plow you over like you were a bowling pin made of cotton. Damn, son. Stay outta his way when crab legs are involved.
Back in KC, the Chiefs got their second win on Sunday, thanks in no small part to the Herculean efforts of Mr. Dwayne T. Bowe (not sure if “T” is his middle initial, but it sounds right, so I’m running with it). Twitter blew up after his insane circus catch for a TD.
@mellinger (Sam Mellinger, Sports Columnist, KC Star)
“Honestly, catch of the year, right? At least so far? #Chiefs”
@SSJ_WHB (Steven St. John, 810 am)
“That was a simply SPECTACULAR catch by Bowe….Wow!”
@getnickwright (Nick Wright, 610 am)
“Dwayne freaking Bowe… Catch of the year in the NFL so far… #Chiefs”
Look, I was going to make a Bowe-ner joke here, but I won’t. I’m far too classy for that….
…okay, so I’m not. One might say that Dwayne really gave these guys a Bowe-ner.
@nate_bukaty (810 am)
“Kevin Harlan just told us that Dwayne Bowe is one of the top 5 WRs in the NFL. Big words, but the numbers back him up.”
Yeah, as improbable as this would have sounded two years ago, he’s right. Time to lock him up now, but it ain’t gonna be cheap. While he still won’t command Larry Fitzgerald money, he figures to make a little more than Eddie Kennison in his last contract.
@SI_PeterKing (Peter King, writer, Sports Illustrated)
“The Eagles are sloppy and dumb.”
No, it’s sloppy and dumb that you’d say something so unbelievably pointless. Yes, the Eagles suck. But you’re a professional sports writer, douche-nozzle—and one who is handsomely compensated, I would suppose. And ‘sloppy and dumb’ is your insightful Tweet regarding the Eagles? Give me a break.
@bobfescoe (610 am)
“Todd Haley’s appearance has no implication on wins and losses but his look is not a good representation of the franchise”
And in the vain of ‘sloppy and dumb,’ this week’s #shutthefuckup Tweet goes to 610’s Bob Fescoe. Seriously, Bob? We’re concerned about Todd Haley’s appearance now? The Chiefs have employed felons, drug-dealers, wife-beaters and all around worthless pieces of crap, and we’re concerned with Haley’s beard? Look, Bill Belichick looks like he rolled a homeless dude for his hand-altered hoody. Jeff Fisher used to get frozen snot in his ‘stache. Andy Reid sweats out more cholesterol during a game than you or I will take in on any given weekend. That’s all sloppy. But you know who shouldn’t care? Anyone, as long as their team is winning.
Oh, and p.s. I like your highlights, guy. I thought those died 10 years ago when Justin Timberlake started demanding to be taken seriously, but I guess I was wrong.
And this concludes this week’s "Tales from the Tweet." Be sure to tune in next Wednesday to see if Canseco pawned enough to pay his cable bill.