Glazer: The Humble Scribe Ponders His Mortality

When we were really young, our parents used to tell us, "When you grow up things will be great." 

Most of our memories started way back in those golden days. Remember, going outside, playing army, tag, baseball, hiding out and even talking to the neighborhood girls? Yuk! Oh yeah, and the beginning of trying to make a buck or maybe just a few quarters with a lemonade stand. If you’re like me, you lost money on that one. Sure liked drinking the kool-aid though – lots of sugar – don’t tell mom.

And we all dreamed of being big, like our moms and dads. Mostly so we could beat the hell out of the neighborhood bully.

Soon we were tween-agers and not too far from driving our own car, or at least borrowing mom’s. Those were tough days, walking everywhere, asking for rides, trying to get your best friends mom to take you and your pal to the movies or better yet the mall. We’d play outside at night, maybe even do a one nighter cook out in a tent. We’d watch monster movies before the big night out so we’d be scared.

Yeah, when we got older and bigger things would be just great.

High school seemed to take forever to get into and even longer to get out of. For many young people it was kinda scary. What to wear, who to be friends with, listening to the cool music, hope you’re doing everything right so you’ll be accepted.

Man when this is over, I’ll be almost grown up.

Finally the day comes, the one we’ve all been dreaming of and we’re driving the car. We practiced, but yeah, we still hit some pole, put a big ding in the front end. Dad and mom are gonna kill me and then ground me. Sleepless nights. It’ll be great when I get my own car.

The girl I was crazy about never even looked my way. All my friends talked me into calling her. I was shaking, but I called. She didn’t even really seem to know me.

"I have to wash my hair that night," she said. I ask about next week – she’s busy – someone died and there’s a funeral. Man, did I feel low. But hey, that’ll all end when I’m fully grown like mom and dad.

Next it was which college should I go too? Hel, who will even will take me?  Can I afford to go to college? I got it, a summer job will be just swell. But man did I hate that grocery store manager. Those days felt like weeks. I couldn’t talk or take too many breaks. And all the girls in my class thought I was a dope sacking their mom’s groceries.

Finally I went away to college. My luckier friends actually finished and got married. But we all grew up. Got that first job, that first big adult relationship, that first apartment.

It was great, right?

Time flies. We have kids, a big monthly payment on the home, credit card debt up the ass, insurance payments. Then we’re hoping we don’t get laid off in a tough economy. After that comes the first divorce and those payments. We need money for our kids college fund. Oh hell, it starts in a year. No more going out to bars, hardly ever see the guys anymore. We’re all too busy paying bills and getting up early for work.

Brother, this sucks.

What the hell happened? I thought we were all gonna be on easy street as soon as we could drive to the mall in our own cars. Where’s the good shit? I guess we can all dream, huh? Oh well at least we live in the United States, it could be worse, what if we were born in Mexico?

Yep, we grew up alright. I wonder if I should buy that health care insurance for the retirement home. 

Nah, that’s forever away. Isn’t it?

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42 Responses to Glazer: The Humble Scribe Ponders His Mortality

  1. Can't say says:

    U R STILL
    ALIVE?? I thought u were already gone. Love the hair weave. Hearne must not like you. Especially with those less then flattering pictures. Gut hanging out. Find a rolled up sock. It will make it look like u have a penis. That’s what the late Jojo would say. I thought u were the over 50 stud of KC???

  2. Cliffy says:

    Now I know how to be the King Stud. All you have to do, apparently, is flash the girls a shot of your fat, hairy belly. Thanks, Glazer!

    BTW, I read that your club was recently named one of the top clubs in America. Congrats. Who bestowed this honor on you?

  3. harley says:

    glaze…get those pics off…
    who shot those and put those up. You’re blowing your image.
    Stop being so down. This is life. Full of bumps in the road. Get some better pics…you gotta have some that make
    you look better…

  4. Hot Carl says:

    Wow, Glazer, you are one ugly fucker.

  5. Robertoe says:

    2 things
    Craig, I like these sentimental pieces especially since we’re about the same era and neighborhood. I can relate. But you want to improve your writing? How about trying accurate adjectives. There’s lots of things many of us would call you but ‘humble’ would never be an accurate descriptive term. Yet you are using it over and over and over again.

    And here’s an alternative viewpoint: From both a historical and a geographic perspective, there was never been a more fortunate or more prosperous generation. We’re overdue for some calamity. Its not all a bad thing. We’ve grown up consuming & pissing away too much oblivious to others misfortune.

  6. chuck says:

    The guy in the blue shirt, in the top picture
    looks like Skeletor and Keith Richards had a baby.

    I like the pics, and I like the way Glaze writes, it is genuine.

    The pic of Mermaid, reminds me of when I do acid, the first hour. Can’t stop smilin. I gotta quit doin that shit, my Chi Wau Wau starts lookin like Leonardo DiCaprio.

  7. chuck says:

    I think I know that girl in the top photo with
    all the guys.

    Her name is Sharrin Peters.

  8. harley says:

    glaze…how was slayton
    missed him….i’m sure he killed it.
    man..don’t get downon us with this pity talk…we all go thru it in life…wondering where we’re
    headed and where we’ve been.
    but you should be the last one to get down on things.
    Is the guy iin the blue shirt you’re brother…seen him at the club over the years…
    you must have one hell of family reunion….~

  9. harley says:

    cliffy…stop repeating yourself
    we know that was b.s. about the best club. but that’s okay because he’s trying to pump up his club. It’s his club..his
    business and like everyone else it needs to be promoted.
    glaze is the king of promotion…he breathes it every day. So stop asking where the accolade came from. According to someone
    it is the best club in america.
    Been to many clubs forcomedy…and even i think its one of thetops…..so lets move on…its a moot point and everyone
    gets it.

  10. Hearne Christopher says:

    That’s Craig’s younger brother, Jack

  11. harley says:

    new picture much much better
    everyone say thanks to hearne

  12. Can't say says:

    Someone
    had a hissy fit and demanded the fat guys picture be removed.

  13. chuck says:

    oops.
    .

  14. Craig Glazer says:

    Yes That Was A Crap Photo, Except For The Girls
    That was taken at a drunken moment a year ago. It did look like dog pooh. When a bit of tum sticks out, in shape or not, not good…so yeah, I was even shocked. A year later we look much slimmer. So I will get new photo done so you can comment, but yeah, yukie ducky photo. We all have one or two, huh.

    Slayton was very good, lots of new stuff, had one sell out and near sell out Saturday…Bobby is something, mean on and off stage, but funny as hell, one of my fav’s.

  15. mermaid says:

    Hearne…
    Why do you keep putting up that same old pic of Craig and I? I hate that picture!

  16. Harlow says:

    I Love The Picture
    You both look so movie star. Craig you are a dish and Mermaid nice boobs. You have great hair too.

  17. Harlow says:

    Saw The Other Picture
    Hey you still looked good my man. Who is the first girl in that photo?

  18. Hearne Christopher says:

    I think you just answered your own question; got you back on board after however long!

    Actually just needed a pic of Craig – it’s not that old – and had to replace the, uh, less attractive one.

    Send me a new one and I’ll drop it in. Craig says you’re on hot

  19. mermaid says:

    Hate to be too morbid..
    But after seeing what my parents are going through I want a cyanide pill in case I want a way out. I refuse to be hospitalized and lay in a non existent state. I think old people should be given that option. It’s extremely controversial but health care is prolonging lives so they can bill Medicare. My grandma and grandpa died in a dignified way- now it’s different and not for the better if you ask me. If any of you have a military hookup let me know because I am serious about having a way out.

  20. randyraley says:

    Think you have a choice?
    You control nothing. Can’t get worked up about stuff that you can’t control. If cancer’s gonna get ya, it’s gonna get ya. I’ll quote my main man Sam…

  21. mermaid says:

    Randy…
    I have no problem with the way I am living my life now. I won’t be disappointed by anything I didn’t do. You are WAY off the subject. If I want to make that choice I clearly have that option. If I decide I don’t want to go through cancer or chemo I can always step out in my garage and turn the car on or a million other things. I just want a way out if I am in a facility and can’t control my decision. That is what I am talking about- not bowlines or safe harbor’s or winds in my damn sails. Get on the subject Mark Twain.

  22. Hearne Christopher says:

    Excellent point

  23. Hearne Christopher says:

    Well, sadly – that’s what former KCMO personality Russ Johnson did. Which at his age was very, very sad.

  24. Merle Tagladucci says:

    Imagine if we all lived our lives as fearlessly and carefree as we do when we go on vacation. Every time you leave town, you tend to leave your boring old ways at home and loosen up to become a better version of yourself. Sure, people have jobs and kids and bills and responsibilities and sure they call it “vacation” for a reason, but the mentality you take on those vacations is what life should be all the time. So Glazer, let’s all head down to Tijuana, get stupid and wake up in the gutter with tattoos we don’t remember getting…life is a carnival….who said that…must have been The Band

  25. Cliffy says:

    Just for the record, harley …

    No … you did not realize it was bs. You bought it and congratulated him on the honor. Dumbass.

  26. Orphan of the Road says:

    We are all born terminal
    Mermaid, get yourself a living will, NOW. Then you can have directions which will be carried out. Can’t talk about suicide pills or such but you will save yourself from the doctors. Find a good friend who will help you IF you need to go quietly into that good night. And if you do get terminally ill, go on hospice.

    My friend was diagnosed with leukemia when he was 18. In the 60s, this was a death sentence. About the same time he wrote a song which became a big hit, recorded by lots of people.

    He told few of his disease. He wrote, recorded and toured for the next 16-years. Telling friends he was shooting up super drugs with no names. He married, adopted a daughter and then a few years later his wife was pregnant.

    When he could no longer hide his illness, he made fun of it. Called himself Cool Hand Leuk.

    Told a Boston Globe reporter he didn’t know about what happened next. He was given another chance and he won’t question how or why, just live life to its fullest.

    I asked that undertaker what it took to make him laugh
    When all he ever saw was grief and crying
    He said, Steve here’s a box of flowers I received on your behalf
    Business just gets better all the time

    Cause it ain’t hard, to get along with somebody elses’ troubles

  27. Can't say says:

    Yukie duckie???
    I thought u said u were 50 something. Clearly you are in your 80’s.

  28. Robertoe says:

    au contraire
    Mermaid: “I have no problem with the way I am living my life now. I won’t be disappointed by anything I didn’t do.”

    Google Gualeguaych

  29. Craig Glazer says:

    Yukie Duckie/Cliffy, Same Guy
    Say shom-bird, even with those photos, still looking very sharp, I am by far the best looking best fit over 50 guy in this town, thus the many hot babes. All the proof I need, plus the good looks great build. Just for you moron, I will post a new photo of me next week and explain my program so maybe you can get out of the basement and start to regroup so you can looke half as good in say six months, if you work it…..hows that hater….a promise from me….as for the ‘award’ there was no award, nobody said there was…it was based on a line-up of great current and seasoned stars, we tied with New York’s Carolines for best line up for 011/12…online mentions, no award….happy now….by the way Stanfords is always a top five comedy club every year along with the Improv in Arizona, Carolines, The Funny Bones in Ohio, Laugh Factory on Sunset in LA and about a five way tie for fifth….including often the Improv(original one) on Melrose and The Comedy Store on Sunset in LA…some others….by virtue of being the second oldest club(moved twice) in the nation owend by the same people, Comedy Store is oldest owned by the Shores…that says it all….thanks for the support

  30. Mareen says:

    Hey Stud
    I know you rock you egomaniac, can I get two comp tickets for Saturday, me and a girlfriend? We can go out after. Deal?

  31. Woodside Health Club representative says:

    CRIAG PLEASE DON”T
    Craig we know you have mentioned us in articles before on this site. We are requesting that you cease and desist any further references to us in the future. We are very concerned that after seeing posted pictures of you potential members would think that is the typical result of our training and health programs. While we totally understand that your goal is not fitness but to see and be seen. We also, based on complaints, realize that you use our club as a pick up site. We can not afford to allow you to impact our reputation. So we request no further mentions.

    PS Buy a longer shirt.

  32. Carl Peterson says:

    Craig not even close
    I am the best looking over 50 man in KC. Also Nick Lowery told me that even he could kick your ass.

  33. Harlow says:

    HE IS BOYS, THE BEST
    Saw photo, maybe he was loaded, don’t know, also may be an older photo, or he was pushing forward, still not bad, I think Craig show a current photo and shut these haters up. Just jealous baby, thats all. To be fair, was at his club with my man a month back, Glazer was wearing a tight work out top, and jeans. He at most looks 42-45 and his body is very hot, very, yes even his tummy. So Craig do what you said and do the photo’s, then they will make fun of your legs or shoes, my lord.

  34. Robertoe says:

    observations
    ” I am by far the best looking best fit over 50 guy in this town, thus the many hot babes. All the proof I need, plus the good looks great build.” And he’s self proclaimed humble!

    Harlow= same IP address as Craig Glazer, Bad Act Berk and many others!

  35. Can't say says:

    And if it
    is a different person then obviously Harlow is just an ole horn dog the way she is always talking about men and wanting them. Poor thing must not get any on a regular basis. I read in a previous post Craig has to use a sex toy so maybe he can loan it to her.

  36. harley says:

    Maureen is a mooch….
    and she gives women a bad name. She’s always wanting something for free to spend time with glaze.
    Hopefully glaze realizes that she’s a mooch and wanna be. Maureen…I wouldn’t give you free tickets to a dog fight!
    Stop being a moochy broad…get your own tickets girl.

  37. harley says:

    glaze…stop the b.s…saw your gut…big belly hanging over
    your pants and its not a pretty sight. Maybe in the dark with your black strippers but it’s not cool and you are not the fittest guy in this town over 50>…and lets be honest…all your photos have the same broads in them…noone new with you….except some not so hot
    skanks. And mermaid said she doesnt do you…so where are all these hot broads you talk about…certainly not in reali life.
    We like to read your stuff glaze but stop bullshitting everyone and get real. At best you might be one of the best guys in their
    60’s ….but don’t glamorize yourself…keep up the good posts….

  38. PB says:

    These Sap Stories
    Almost have me longing for the Chiefs stink, Woodside Pool rocks threads. Would have been better if Humble Scribe Ponders His Morality. Craig, please resist the urge for early mornings with the other octos at the local McDonalds. You’re turning into odd CW Guisewele/Joe Posnanski hybrid…please stop.

  39. Orphan of the Road says:

    PB
    It would give another slant on dog stories if Craig went CWG on us.

  40. Woodside Pal says:

    Harley You Are A Nut
    Hey I see Glazer every week at Woodside. Let me make this clear without question: THE GUY IS IN NEARLY PRO SHAPE. If that guy has a gut, I weight 500. He doesn’t. Maybe in some photo in the past, don’t know. Craig has always been in good shape, but in the last say one year, he’s killing it for his or any age. I know he takes roids, he gets them legally, he has told me about doing it, but I am only 38, still not sure if I want to go that route. But yeah I see him workout, benches heavy, maybe 275 and up. I don’t really lift with him, but next to him at times. He was at the pool all summer and you can hate him for it, but damn, several very nice looking women with him often. As far as his age, no he is NOT 60, I know he and Bruce had a class reunion from East, for 1971 or 72 so he is 56-58 somewhere in there. You can look in his book it has photos with dates so that would be clear. I had the book but loanded it out or I would check for you, but yeah the East reunion a few weeks back, he went. Man you comment writers sure hate his wins and must really enjoy the guys loses. Guess that makes you feel better about yours. Craig is well liked at the club and seems to be a pretty good guy. I didn’t know him much from the Westport days. Just wanted to clear that up.

  41. harley says:

    glaze=woodside pal
    come on…stop the redundancy and lets hear from the real people. Be careful glaze..those roids can affect your
    organs..knew one guy who died from them affecting his body….be careful…..

  42. woodside pal 2 says:

    I’m also a P.A.L.
    of Craig’s. We have fun at Woodside. Towel fights. Splashing water on each other. We shave each other anus. We like that neat and trim look. Craig will often offer to ask to feel my testicles for cancer related lumps. You couldn’t ask for a better and more compassionate friend. Often Craig will literally give me the towel off his body. Plus he is funny. Stop hating on him

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