Hearne: Halloween City Blows Away Christmas at Borders, 91st & Metcalf

I’ve seen the future of Halloween and it is now….

That spanking new Halloween City at 91st and Metcalf in the former home of Borders Books is eye popping beyond belief. I kid you not.  This store has anything and everything that you can or cannot imagine where Halloween is concerned. And you can take that to the bank.

Entire sections of spiders, swords, Jack O Lanterns, vampire capes, witch’s brooms and hats, plastic swords, caveman clubs, shields, fog and sound effects machines, massive displays of everything immaginable, devil paraphernelia, "spooky frames," life-sized, suspendible fiends of every type and an incredibly wide variety of costumes of every imaginable theme for every age. Even scary kiddie designer sweatshirts…

Plus a whole heckuva lot more.

Remember how vast Kansas City’s first Borders was? Halloween City has jammed stuff into every square inch!

It’s Disney in Orlando-like, and then some. It’s completely over-the-top. It puts Christmas to shame.

And here’s where it starts to get interesting…

For starters, there’s a good sized section of political character masks that include at least three Obamas, George H.W. Bush, Nixon, Bill and Hillary Clinton and last but not least, Sarah Palin. Can John McCain and Rick Perry be far behind?

How about KCTV weather wonk Gary Amble’s whacked out sister Michele Bachmann?

"We have Sarah, but not her," said a store manager.

Speaking of Bachmann and Palin, the days of worrying about stuff being "too sexy" appear to be in the rearview mirror.

At the rear of the store is a fenced off adults only section labeled "Hot! Hot! Hot!"

Naturally, I didn’t go in but a perimeter peek revealed an array of costumes – Playboy brand included – "Racy Red Riding Hood," a football-esque "Tackle Me" getup, for biker chicks a "Joy Rider," a "Midnight Nurse," "prep School Delinquent,"  a sexy beekeeper costume called ‘Sweet as Honey" and for police groupies, an "Officer Rita Dem Rights."

In short – if that’s possible at this point – the Halloween City’s as worthy of a visit as a wax museum or Ripley‘s. Plus it’s free.

Oh and to borrow a Steve Jobs expression, one more thing…..

This is Halloween City’s first ever venture into the state of Kansas, the manager told me. Plus there’s one in Lee’s Summit.

Accept no substitutes (and no they’re not an advertiser)…

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7 Responses to Hearne: Halloween City Blows Away Christmas at Borders, 91st & Metcalf

  1. smartman says:

    Tank You Beddy Much
    The citizens, er… uh… maybe the INHABITANTS, ah FUCK IT….THE CHILDREN of China, India, Pakistan, Vietnam and other Third World enclaves would like to THANK YOU in advance for your purchase of this single use SHIT!

    Just rub some dirt on your hands and face, let your pants hit the ground, S&W .357 in one hand, cell phone in the other, get together with 20 or more of your friends and trick or treat as a FLASH MOB this year.

    Or if you’re on a BUDGET maybe a couple of MADE IN THE USA black trash bags, one for your top half and the other for your bottom half…..just cut holes for your eyes, feet and hands and VOILA! or as Craig Glazer says WALLA! You can be a PIECE OF SHIT which in KC also allows the leeway to be a politician, Chief, Royal, Jim Corwin, Louie Wright, Tony Botello, Kevin Keitzman, Nick Wright, Clark Hunt, Scott Pioli, Todd Haley, Matt Cassel, David Glass. Westport, P&L, THE EAST SIDE or harley.

    You can also do the same with CLEAR trash bags if being a DOUCHEBAG is more your thing.

    Accessorize that with a PINK BELT or PASHMINA and you can be Michele Bachman, Clair McCaskill, Nancy Pelosi OR KAY BARNES

    You don’t need to spend a lot of money to be funny!

  2. chuck says:

    I’m afraid of finding out that
    the “Angry White Guy” costume, is MMMMMeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!! IT’S MMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT’S MMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  3. Orphan of the Road says:

    Honey Bunny
    She wanted to go as Marie Antoinette. So she gets her costume together and tries it on.

    I come into the room, naked with a potatoe duct taped to my appendage.

    Honey Bunny: What are you doing?

    Me: Well if you can go as a dowager, I’m gonna be a dick tater.

  4. Harley says:

    i’m really sorry guys.
    I was laying in bed this morning spooning with Mr. Whiskers, my cat, when I had what AA refers to as a moment of clarity. Life is too short to spend it in my Daisy Apartments studio, eating cheetos, giving Mr Whiskers the dutch oven, and waxing my collection of Matchbox cars. What say we bury the hatchet and go out for drinks. I’ll be at Sidekicks on Main sucking down a couple of long neck buds, Drop by, it’s cowpoke day at buddys, if you wear assless chaps you get free well drinks from 2 to 4, and a half off adjustment for a prolapsed rectum at Sals deli and proctology.

  5. chuck says:

    Ok, that was Tracy.
    Gotta be. 🙂

    Sad day for KC Bizz.


    Fuck the Clarks.


    “I got rich, cause my daddy was rich, now I am smooth down there between my legs, just like a Ken Doll.”

    God what a fuckin couple of pussies.

  6. PB says:

    Old Fart Alert
    I remember when Halloween consisted of throwing together a costume a couple of hours before attending some houseparty, armed with nothing but a stoned imagination and what was in your closet at the time. Now there’s a whole industry devoted to who can dress in the most topical costume? Sigh.

  7. chuck says:

    I was playing with my dick
    when my mom came into the basement. I immediately put down the Playboy magazine and grabbed the National Geographic so mom would think I was cuming all over some topless ugandan woman instead of the playmate of the month.
    Mom stopped me in full motion because she saw I was about to unload on myself. It’s been a long time since i had a date and I needed to pretend I was with one of Glazer’s honeys. But instead I spend my lonely hours on the internet trying to get a date when I have no hair or personality. Unfortunately I was caught and now mom says I need to get a real job and get my own apartment which would be no fun at all. So I am moving into a building where lots of gay guys hang out. Know it sounds weird but since I can’t get any women I may just make it easy and try guys. They don’t take 2 hours to get ready and i love to suck their cocks.
    I’ll keep posting on here from the Kinkos by my new apartment because mom is not going to let me take the computer with me.
    Sorry guys…I know it won’t be much fun without my stupid comments that don’t make sense but that’s the way it goes.
    If any of you aren’t busy next Saturday night I’m going to Minskys on Main for pizza then get some movies to watch from Blockbuster so if any of you “guys” arent doing anything or don’t have a life come see me. We’ll have a really great time. Know what I mean?
    Call me at 816 523 6578. Thanks…Chuck.

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