Hearne: Stanford & Sons Pet Squirrel Hope Flies the Coop

About Stanford & Sons comedy club’s unofficial new mascot…

You know, baby squirrel Hope that office manager Christy has been caring for and bringing to Stanford’s in the Legends.

"Oh, now she can’t come to work because somebody in the comments section said it was illegal," grouses Stanford’s Craig Glazer. "So the squirrel’s not at work anymore. I mean, she’ll be back at some point but my secretary got upset and didn’t want to risk it."

There’s more…

Starting with a couple questions as to Hope’s behavior. Like is she housebroken?

Um, yeah," Glazer says. "To the extent that she has to be. She’s never gone to the bathroom on me."

How about in the office?

"Not to my knowledge."

Plus the squirrel has been growing older and starting to change, Glazer says.

"When she was little, she was more docile," Glazer says. "But now that she’s three months old, she’s turning into a squirrel."

Speaking of growing older, Glazer’s plan for dealing with Hope’s, um, sex drive once puberty kicks in?

"Well, first of all, she’s a girl," Glazer says. "But there’s not going to be any other squirrels because she’s an indoor squirrel. I don’t know. I mean, I enjoyed the time we had together – it was fun – but…"

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34 Responses to Hearne: Stanford & Sons Pet Squirrel Hope Flies the Coop

  1. chuck says:

    Glaze dumped the squirrel.
    Fuckin perfect.

    ” I don’t know. I mean, I enjoyed the time we had together – it was fun – but…”

    Lemme translate this for ya. Hope doesn’t fit in with the crowd anymore, at 3 months, she is high maintenance, and has passed her prime. Probably a little bi polar too.

    What a hoot. 🙂

    Damn!!! No invite to the pool.

    Black Barbie breathes a sigh of relief.

    Maureen and Mermaid are back in play!

    After the grocery boy puts Glaze’s shit in his cart, Glaze probably says, “Good luck to ya kid, it was great while it lasted, I’ll always have fond memories.”

    Pizza delivery. “Thanks, heres your tip, take care, its me, not you.”

    Heh, heh…

    The squirell is pretty cool. I kinda feel guilty about eating so many of them when I was a kid. They are very tasty, kinda like Glaze’s hooches.

  2. harley says:

    cool story
    hopefully hope will find love. And who said it was against the law to have squirrels?
    Never heard of that. Bring hope back~

  3. bschloz says:

    “Pizza delivery. “Thanks, heres your tip, take care, its me, not you.” lol

    Glaze with Cisco tech support…..” Are you getting a vibe? Do you ever get to Vegas?…wheres Bangalore? I have frequent miles!

  4. Cliffy says:

    I recognize the squirrel but what’s that other animal on top of Glazer’s head?

  5. smartman says:

    Hope is an ILLEGAL
    It wasn’t somebody in the comments section. It was ME!

    C’mon Hearne, call Animal Control and ask them about keeping a squirrel as a pet. If squirrel’s could be kept as pets don’t you think you could buy them at a pet store or even at an exotic pet auction? You can’t. You have to have a CLASS A breeders license to raise or own squirrels. They are fucking dangerous.

    They get in peoples attics all the time and chew insulation off of wiring which creates an electrical and fire hazzard or they zap themselves to death and stink up the house while they rot.

    She’s a female and will go into heat. She’ll be looking for some squirrel dick. That’s what God intended for her to do. Not be someones pet. Don’t fuck with Mother Nature.

    Ingress holes they create in houses can be used by rats,bats, birds and other animals who want to move in to your house or attic. They shit and piss all over which becomes a health hazzard that can require removal and replacement of insulation and ceiling drywall.

    This squirrel will bite someone which can pose serious health risks. The squirrel needs to be turned over to the proper authorities or released into the wild.

  6. Chet Gristler says:

    Smartman, let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
    enough said.

  7. smartman says:

    When it comes to keeping squirrels as pets I am without sin. Outside of that I’m pretty fucked and ask Jesus Christ to forgive my sins and transgressions.

    All that is required for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing.

    Sure the damn things are cute. I put corn out to feed ’em in my yard. I don’t invite them in the house to watch Animal Planet and share a bowl of sunflower seeds.

    When squirrels have no fear of people it makes it a lot easier for them to bite someone. Say you have a 4 year old daughter living next to Hope. Hope gets out, approaches your daughter, she pets Hope, she picks her up and nuzzles her to her neck. Hope gets spooked by something and scratches and claws and bites your daughter.

    Next up for your daughter, painful rabies shots and who knows what else.

    Squirrels are considered wildlife, not pets.

    This ain’t Roe v Wade.

  8. Cliffy says:

    smartman is correct.
    A squirrel is a rat, only cuter.

  9. Chompcity says:

    “Oh, now she can’t come to work because somebody in the comments section said it was illegal,””

    Um, blaming a commenter because you were dumb to even mention online this stupid and illegal stunt of having a rat with a fluffy tail in your office? Tact, Glazer. Tact.

    That squirrel can’t be housetrained. I look forward to your post after it bites someone.

    Also, where do you buy your hair? Looks fantastic.

  10. Mark X says:

    Perfect !
    Squirrels are just rats with fluffy tails. What an appropriate pet for Glazer …

  11. Bad Ass Jew, Berkowitz says:

    First off, I am a real person,went to high school with Craig and his brother Jeff, at East. I am guessing some of you if not all of you are the same hater. Your comments are all too similar with same content, fake hair, hateful, jealous. Thats your right to say the same things over and over, I guess. Give Craig credit, he or Hearne could NOT put the comment up if they choose. Dig it! So who has the thick skin? Glazer does, not you guys or just YOU. Again do what you want, you always do anyways. Other than Harley, the other clones never have anything pleasant to say about anyone or anything regarding Craig. Its attack, attack attack, to the point of sounding a bit nutsoooo.

    You did get one thing done, the poor squirell can’t come to work with Glazer anymore. Oh, yeah all that danger the little animal ‘might’ cause. Biting a four year old? What four year old? Craig doesn’t have any kids, unless the monster gets loose at Legends and kills and destroys the mall. Good one guys. Rabies, I doubt it. If its a housepet that is not likely. But hey you solved the great squirell mystery. As for Craig’s looks, again, you should look so damn good boys or is it boy?

  12. Shamara says:

    Cute little thing
    She looks pretty nice and tame to me. Awwwh.

  13. Craig Glazer says:

    Animal Control Says Squirrels DON’T CARRY RABIES.
    There are no KC cases of squirrels and rabies. It is extremely rare. Thanks for caring and sharing though.

  14. downtown davey says:

    Hearne Ban Cliffy
    Hearne I have been on both sides of the equation regarding our craig glazer. Some times he’s right, sometimes not. I have never made an attack on his person however. What’s that got to do with his stories? Never met the man. Seen him on TV and heard him on radio some, but never met him. He looks fit and decent, I am a guy so can’t decide on his looks being handsome or not. He ain’t ugly. Again how does that fit into a Royals story or Hollywood tale or this story on a little pet. It really doesn’t. Like someone said above, Cliffy could be taken out but you guys let him write. Me, I wouldn’t. Thats just me I guess. Hey I like the little thing, Hope, very sweet. Don’t know about the laws on the animal, don’t care. It’s a god damn little squirell.

  15. smartman says:

    @badass jew berkowitz
    To wit, the same could be said that you and Craig are one in the same.

    If you can prove that I post on this blog under any name other than my own I will donate ten grand to the Israel Bond Organization.

    Who in the hell would come up with a handle like badass jew berkowitz. Why not Son of Sam? That’s just fucking stupid.

    Meyer Lansky was the last badass jew I recall so I have to assume you are still referring to the skin texture on your hiney. Please talk to one of the yentas at temple and get a referral to a good jewish doctor to clear up your pock-marked ass cheeks.

    Keeping a squirrel as a pet is illegal. Don’t like it then change the fucking law. It is what it is.

    I can’t own a fully automatic rifle. It’s illegal so I don’t…but if I did, or let’s say I had a silencer for my 9mm, I sure the fuck wouldn’t mention it in a public forum.

    Stupid is as stupid does Mr. Jerkowitz…nana nana boo boo

  16. Orphan of the Road says:

    The voice of experience
    The neighbor across the street raised three squirrels once. They would ride on his shoulders and he’d come over and sit on our porch. They were just babies and were like kittens.

    As they got older they would come over to visit on their own. Dad always fed them peanuts.

    Later they found other squirrels to be more interesting but still came around occassionally.

    But when the Star ran a story, the animal control people came around. Didn’t bust him although they could have done so.

    As a kid my aunt was bitten by a squirrel and had to undergo rabies shots. Imagine getting a shot with an 18″ needle in the middle of your belly button for 21-days. More people died from the shots than from rabies.

    Lived in a house built in 1705 and it had squirrels in the attic/walls. It was like NASCAR in those walls. Every once and a while one would get zapped (the house had post and knob wiring so no insulation) and it really stunk. Then they would chew the insulation in newer wiring.

    You need to think about how you will reintroduce the squirrel to nature. You can’t just give it $50 and call a cab.

  17. Mauren says:

    Geez Louezzz So Much Noise on a Squirrel
    Who cares. My God. Mermaid does this piss you off at me in some way? Lets meet at Rau for a drink Mermaid. Bet we’d have lots of cool stories to tell each other.Bet we’d become pals. Let me know if you want to do it, ok.

  18. Cliffy says:

    Hey … if Craig can’t take some ribbing over his fake looking hair then he needs to stay out of the public eye. That coal-black mop looks like it belongs on a 25 year old while the facial hair suggests AARP membership. Just sayin’.

    I have long thought the bad ass jew is actually Craig. it’s obvious he has to type in the handle anew with each post. Sometimes there are spaces in the name … sometimes not. Doesn’t matter to me though. I think most of Craig’s fan club could fit into one set of clothing.

    Hearne can ban me if he wants, davey. Wouldn’t break my heart.


  19. TIAD says:

    Has Anyone Considered
    Has anyone considered the squirrel’s rodential rights in this matter?

    PETA has now been notified.

  20. Hearne Christopher says:

    Watching Animal Planet and sharing sunflower seeds with the neighborhood squirrels…classic!

  21. Hearne Christopher says:

    Give it $50 and call a cab? You guys are on fire today

  22. Hearne Christopher says:

    What, ban Cliffy? No way!

    Now I’m not above killing a comment here or there. But he gets his shots in – some more astute than others. But hey, that could be said about any of us.

  23. Hearne Christopher says:

    Hey, he’s feeding it, not wearing it

  24. Slew says:

    Keep that squirrel away from Craig
    That poor thing having to listen to all those B.S. stories about how much better things were 20 years ago. Not fair to the animal because she doesn’t know any better.

  25. downtown davey says:

    Cliffy You Are An Ass
    Whoever you are my good buddy let me get this right. Anyone who backs Glazer is Glazer? Is that the case? Does that include me? I have been on this blog and website for two years. You showed up months back. I don’t care about Glazer’s feelings much, but your comments are the same over and over and over and over and over and over and over. WE GET IT YOU HATE THE GUY. PS, If Glazer’s hair is fake, he fooled me AND I AINT GLAZE. Hey Clif fy are ther e spac e s in my thi n g. I agree ban cliffy.

  26. Black Barbie says:

    Craig is Cool
    His hair looks nice. I told you that before. I slept with him for more than a year I should know. Craig ain’t so bad a man. For Christmas two years ago he bought me a white fox coat, I loved it. Hey I took it in to make sure it was real, you know case I needed money one day, it was, and it was a nice one. Wore it naked once when we was having a party at his condo. They took pictures. All I had on was a Fox coat and nothing else. Know who was there, that football dude, Bill something and maybe Ted from the Chiefs. He used to play. His hair though looks and feels really good, really. I know I screwed his ass enough to know. I might again. Craig you better be nice to me. For real Craig. I dumped that man who got me the Merc, you are lots better. See.

  27. Bad Ass Jew, Berkowitz says:

    Glazer You Always Stir the Shit
    I’ve said it before. Hey wheres those photos with Black Barbie and the Fox Coat. PLEASE.

  28. Cliffy says:

    I don’t hate Glazer. Hell, I don’t even know the guy and had never heard of him until he began posting here. All I know is the image he projects on KCC is often laughable and sometimes pathetic.

    If Glazer is your hero, davey … good for you. His hair fooled you? Did you pull on it like Black Barbie? Just curious.

  29. Hearne Christopher says:

    You know, it doesn’t take a PHD to look around at today’s economy and see how much better 20 years ago. Ten, even.

    That said, I think people are having just as much fun now as they were then – just different. And the economy and the road ahead for however long sorta sucks.

  30. Hearne Christopher says:

    C’mon guys! Don’t force me to defend Cliffy. He might fold my fan club.

  31. Hearne Christopher says:

    Like we’re going to run them on KC Confidential. Bad dog! Bad dog!

  32. Hearne Christopher says:

    See, Cliffy can be funny sometimes, too

  33. Black Barbie says:

    I Did I did
    Yeah when was sleeping twice. Johnny Dare told me to do it on the radio. To be for real, my mom told me she heard about it on the radio before I got up that day so I did it. Than on New Years he pissed me off and I did it again. Nothing happened. Maybe some is real and some ain’t or its sewed in. I am not sure. It’s good though, I never seen anything like that shit. If you don’t know Craig you should he’s really fun. I still like him. He would never marry me though so I got no future with him my mom said.

  34. mermaid says:

    I don’t like you smartman…
    Smartman who cares if Craig and his secretary have a squirrel as a pet. Really who cares? If it makes them smile and happy for awhile then let it be. I don’t like you. You are very crass and indecent when you talk about women on this site. I have noticed and I don’t like it. If you keep talking about women the way you do I will try and get you off this site. You are on my list so WATCH OUT!

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