Hovick: Give It Up For Mother’s Day 2011, Badass


We all got ’em or we wouldn’t be here
Moms have spidey sense
They know when their babies are sick
Moms know when their babies are sad
And they know when their babies need an ass wupping

Once a year, we have a special Sunday dedicated to the women who gave us life
Oh yeah, Dad donated but your Mom did most of the heavy lifting
Your nine months of development caused her to gain a lot of weight and probably made her ass not look so good in her jeans, so she maybe switched to stretch pants to be more comfortable
I know guys who took total advantage and ate like crazy while their wives were pregnant
Sympathy weight they told me
But when their wife had the baby and lost the weight she gained, the guy was still a fat ass
What is up with that?

Moms love to tell tales of the good, the bold and the embarrassing about their kids
My Mom loves to remind me and my sister about the times we tried to get away with something when we were young
She says my sister was a bit of a wild child
I’m two years younger, so I thought I’d learned how to avoid the wrath of Mom
But I swear, like most Moms she has eyes in the back of her head
She would bust me every time
My punishment wasn’t as severe since Mom had been through most of the petty crimes of my sister
My Sister just says Mom always liked me best

I know some Moms talk about their kids and after they spin the same yarn a few times the stories change
My Mom likes to embellish on a story about when I was in college
She claims I’d phone home and if I asked to talk to Dad, Mom would hand the phone to my father and tell him I was calling because something was wrong with my car
And if I wanted to talk to Mom, I needed money
Naturally, I don’t remember it that way at all
But to this day it makes my Mom chuckle

I have many friends who get to see their Moms a lot
My Mom lives in California, near my sister in the bay area where we grew up
I talk to her two or three times a week and do my best to visit a couple times a year
My wife and I fly out to be with my Mom on her Birthday
I think my wife enjoys the trip for the cake and the In & Out Burger (I don’t get it – Five Guys is a lot better – but my wife is a Mom so of course she would know how to pick a better burger)

Card shops, florists and restaurants are busy with special Mother’s Day celebrations
I try to pamper my Mom from a distance on the day dedicated to motherhood
I’d love to give her a hug, but the phone is the best we can do on most Mother’s Days
(Yes kids, that curious object you speak into without typing)
Even in my 50’s I know I’m still her baby
So when her spidey sense tingles, she calls to ask me what’s up
We talk and Mom will bring up something silly from the past to change my mood so our talks always make me feel good

And Moms enjoy becoming Grandmas
Being a Grandma means they’ve paid their dues as a Mom
Now they are super skilled Grandmothers
Grandmas love to feed and spoil their grandchildren
Grandmas are sly as they pour sugar snacks into the grandkids then they snicker and smirk at their daughter or son as they leave for the peace and quiet of their homes
It’s all payback

Happy Mother’s Day!

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