You gotta hand it to Kevin Smith.
Writer, director, actor, comic book dork, fat man. Yes, he’s all these things.
But here’s the genius part: he gets paid to sit around and talk about shit that happened, like, 20 years ago.
Seriously. And it’s not even profound shit or anything. He just makes it up as he goes. I mean, he could get on stage and talk about the greatest dump he took during the grunge era and people would show up.
That’s not too far off from what went down Monday at the Midland during the traveling shit-shoot known as "Jay and Silent Bob Get Old"…
But instead of epic dumps, the main topics of the two hour show were getting suuuper high, beating off, British people beating off, and beating off/getting head in rehab. And to think I never understood how my mom didn’t find Mallrats funny. Hmmm…
Most fans in attendance appeared to be epic dorks. I was actually surprised no one came dressed as Boba Fett or something. It’s the same crowd I imagine going to ComicCon, living in their mom’s basement, and playing online video games all night. (I think I just described Brodie from Mallrats.)
Appearing first onstage was Kevin Smith and his buddy, Scott Mosier. Two chairs, a table, a couple bottles of water, and some beer. I mean, these guys could tour the country in a Honda Civic.
Yes, I am jealous of Kevin Smith.
The bulk of the first hour consisted of a conversation about Smith smoking a huge blunt then sitting down to watch Mallrats while typing out notes to himself – something Smith called, "Mallrats viewed through a green prism." I guess I had just assumed that Smith and everyone else were high as fuck when they actually wrote and filmed Mallrats. So- kind of like how if you study high you have to take the test high- I figured viewing Mallrats sober just wouldn’t work.
No, Smith didn’t make it through the whole movie before he passed out. But he did take some astute notes on his laptop up to that point, such as: "Ben Affleck’s hair is like a helmet"; "The EA hockey game Brodie is playing at the beginning was not the same version I played, so that scene is artistically dishonest"; and, in regard to the tri-nippled fortune teller at the dirt mall, "This scene is the equivalent of reaching down while she’s blowing you and feeling her cock."
But it wasn’t all crass.
Wait, no, it was all crass. All of it. Smith and Mosier did try to class it up though, with a scene that involved a British guy jerking off while watching another British guy mowing the lawn. And what’s classier than British people? I can’t think of anything.
After a short break, the second hour of the night began when Jay and Silent Bob (Jason Mewes and Kevin Smith) emerged from backstage. Jay had a shirt on that read, "I WANT TO FUCK YOUR FACE," and he sounded like Gollum.
Jay seemed like he had been to hell and back.
Most of Mewes’ and Smith’s routine centered on Jay’s drug problems and the ensuing rehab when he roomed with Ben Affleck. Including the last moments before Smith and his crew essentially told Jay, either rehab or jail. At the time, Jay was getting heroin FedExed to his hotel in California while touring for a press junket for Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. Jay got caught by the guy Smith had designated to babysit him, and got shipped straight to a Malibu clinic for the better part of two months.
The biggest problem with rooming with Ben Affleck at rehab?
You got it – how to beat off without getting caught.
"So did you jerk off in front of Affleck?" deadpanned Smith, acting as the interviewer.
"Ahhh, well…" stalled Jay.
"That is not a NO," quipped Smith, who you can tell is the one of the bunch with the comic timing.
Smith essentially carried the entire show, leading Jay through a narrative of the trials and tribulations of doing drugs and stealth self-stimulation – an important topic for any red blooded horndog without the privacy of their own room.
Jay literally acted out his stealth techniques on the stage floor, which I must say, were impressive. Damn is that guy filthy. Maybe that’s why I like him so much. He also demonstrated a technique he used on a rehab nurse called the cork screw that I’d rather not go into here on the pristine pages of kcconfidential. *cough* Google it if you need to.
By the time Jay and Silent Bob thanked the pretty-decent-for-a-Monday-night crowd at the Midland, everyone seemed thoroughly satisfied.
Certainly, no one goes to one of these deals unless they are already a big Kevin Smith fan. And I must admit, I am a big Kevin Smith fan. Mostly because of Clerks and Mallrats.
But not once did I laugh out loud.
Oh, I was entertained for sure. But the show seemed more like something I would watch for twenty minutes on HBO at one in the morning, you know?