Well, boys–here’s what you missed when you didn’t get up like I did, at 4:30am Friday to watch the Royal Wedding…
I know, I know – you like reading this site to live vicariously re Craig Glazer’s sexploits. But whereas Glazer excels in undressing young women, I like to think of myself as the designated commentarian on women still fully clothed.
So let’s review.
1. Princess Beatrice and Princess Eugenie are fat. To top it off, their hats made them look like Teletubbies. They WORE hats designed by the #1 milliner in London, Philip Treacy, but DEAR Lord in Anglican heaven, they allowed him to outfit them in truly ugly blue and beige bizarre forehead/headband numbers. Those girls are the daughters of Andrew and Weight Watcher dutchess Fergie who got caught influence peddling and was not invited to the wedding. She’s in Thailand trying not to overindulge in the great food over there.
2. Ten years ago, London women wore hats with giant crowns and brims, way oversized for their stout frames. I priced them at Harrod’s then at $500 apiece. Now there are two new fads. Most of the hat wearers sported flying saucers or petri-dishes full of feathers. However, in a triumph of common sense, Her Majesty the Queen looked lovely in a right-sized daffodil yellow hat with a scant 5 inch brim – my favorite as well, that quite matched her suit. She’s healthy and alert–amazing since she’s been on the throne since 1952.
3. Poor Charles. Waiting all this time for Mumsy to die so he can become King. And carrying on an endless affair with that old nag, Camilla Parker-Bowles, which drove poor Diana to anorexia. Not to mention into the arms of her riding instructor, Mr. Hewitt.
Did you notice the spot-on resemblance between Hewitt and Prince Harry?
The true importance of this wedding, which led to the media frenzy, was: William needs to hurry up and get Kate pregnant and bear a child. That way, Harry will never take the throne. Because a blood test might reveal that he is more than likely not a blood relative of the House of Windsor.
4. Elton John and his boyfriend were in attendance. But only performed at a final post-party for the most intimate 600 guests. As a shout out to William’s late mother, Princess Diana, the choir did perform ONE choral classic that was also performed at Diana and Charles’ wedding in 1982, “This is the Day.” I remembered it immediately and was immensely grateful it was not “Candle in the Wind,” John’s song from Diana’s funeral. There would not have been enough Kleenex in the room if Elton had sung that. Diana’s memory hung over the ceremony as it was.
5. The service was an hour long. But the vows were quite short, as was the homily. Thus we had to endure an agonizing 40 minutes of the Westminster Abbey Choir. Too bad because the audience clearly did not really want a concert–they were rolling their eyes and fidgeting throughout. After all, they’d been seated for two hours, with no bathroom breaks.
6. Key members of the bridal party went behind the nave during the concert for the photography session.
But NOT Queen Elizabeth! She and Prince Philip were stuck there in the front row bored to tears. So impatient was she at the length of the concert that after she fingered and dog-eared her program as if it were the menu at the Cheesecake Factory, she started chatting with her husband–during the singing!!! OMG! That is so unacceptably rude!!
I read lips. And I believe what she said to Prince Philip was: “When Harry gets married, I’m sending Helen Mirren as my stand-in. She looks just like me. Nobody will notice. And she’s a great actress, so she can pretend she’s not bored. Let her ass sit through this endless singing."
Tracy Thomas writes commentary and satire, reach her at email@example.com
She owns at present 873 hats, all displayed in color order in her hat room, including one by Philip Treacy of London. But then, this weekend is Brookside Art Fair, so she may add to her collection.