Today: Confessions of a Funk Fan & Look Back at The Past 4 Years at City Hall

Where to begin…

Sitting through yesterday’s final City Council meeting for outgoing KC Mayor Mark Funkhouser & council members like one-termers Cathy Jolly and Beth Gothstein unleashed a flood of bizarre recollections.

Like my former colleague at the Star, Yael Abouhalkah, I had been smitten by Funk’s off-kilter outlook four years back. And with a highly read column and an ultra-close election, like Yael, I clearly had a hand in helping elect Funk.

Unlike Yael, I thought much of the early on Funk sniping was contrived and somewhat bogus.

Who really cared if First Lady Gloria Squitiro slipped off her shoes in a late afternoon interview with the Star”s ambitious new City Hall reporter (who’s now unemployed)? I thought the Frances Semler parks appointment controversy was overblown as well. Aggie Stackhaus was a far worse choice for parks. She single handedly killed off a well-intentioned dog park, a bubble over the Plaza tennis courts – she even tried to kill off RockFest. With luck, the latter will help kill her off.

Stackhaus is a nutball with a penchant for power. With luck, she won’t be reappointed by new KC mayor Sly James. Still she was down at City Hall yesterday putting in some face time, so don’t count her out yet.

Let’s talk about the First Lady for a minute. Like Joe Miller, I was tight with Gloria early on. Unlike Joe, I wasn’t completely smitten. But journalists like colorful characters who aren’t afraid to speak their minds and Gloria was and remains all about being open and outspoken. Until you cross her, that is.

That said, her deal with the devil – that she would allow Funk to be mayor only if he promised without fail to come straight home every night by 5 or 6 p.m. – proved to be her (and his) undoing.

No way that was ever gonna happen.

So Gloria packed her shit and moved into the mayor’s office to maintain the quality time. But all that "color" that she exuded – the brashness, the chutzpah, the quaintly crude manner of expressing herself – morphed into a political poison pill for poor Funk.

Funk would’ve had enough trouble getting along with some of the City Hall vipers. But with Gloria sporting a mile wide Achilles Heel, he was doomed from the git go.

Her biggest sin wasn’t kicking off her shoes, banging hizzonor in the mayoral office or even the "Yes, mammy" slip that cost her husband and the city so dearly. It wasn’t her helping hand in the selection of Semler or her urging Funk to accept a freebie Honda from a car dealer. It wasn’t even her unbridled potty mouth.

Nope, it was not reading the handwriting and getting the heck out of the "I’m the Co-Mayor" biz.

So life goes on at City Hall, starting this Monday after Funk & Glo pack up their Geronimo painting Sunday, and return to a world where his obstinance and her brazenness will be better situated and far more widely appreciated.


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8 Responses to Today: Confessions of a Funk Fan & Look Back at The Past 4 Years at City Hall

  1. smartman says:

    Class is Out
    Did you and Yael exchange “fuck you’s”?

    Was your chico Tony there still trying to get a glimpse of Beth Gottstein’s cooch for one last time?

    The rocking chair picture looks like a still from Deliverance II. The banjo boy and his mammy. They remind me of Tom and Roseanne Arnold but with less class and dignity.

    These two are more co-dependent than Lenny and Squiggy.

    Gloria’s favorite line, “Not tonite Funk. YOU’VE got a headache.”

    Thanks Gloria, now I know why they call them S T R E T C H pants. Making plans for your daughters first three way yet?

  2. John says:

    Funk worst mayor in the past 100 years.
    I never understood why conservatives stood up for the Funk. What about this guy and his wiccian wife screamed conservative?

    I guess many thought the Funk was just being bullied by the Star. So if the Star was against him, he couldn’t be all that bad.

    The problem is…he was. He was the worst Myor in the last 100 years.

    Glad to see him go.

  3. chuck says:

    EVERYONE tried to talk sense to the Funkhousers, me too…
    Things are bad.

    I even took hand puppets over to the house (Gloria was fixing dinner I think, boiling a rabbit.), showed her Mrs. Mayor Puppet staying at home casting spells and summoning demons and Mr. Mayor sitting on cases of Boner Pills, playing with an Ed Ford Voo Doo Doll.

    Didn’t help. Things are bad.

    Spent some quality time there, while walking through the house I did notice that the Google search engine was on “How to decapitate yourself with a bear trap”. Things are bad.

    Goodbye Mayor’s office, hello Waldo Pizza sneeze shield cleaner.

  4. bschloz says:

    Goodbye Mayor’s office…
    “hello Waldo Pizza sneeze shield cleaner.”
    might be funniest line I’ve read in awhile.

    hello Plaza Horse Carriage Driver
    hello 31st and Linwood Costco cart retriever
    hello Mickey’s Surplus Tent Dept.salesman
    hello Ward Parkway Dilliards Big and Tall Dept

  5. Rainbow Man says:

    time to pile on
    hello Bookkeeper at Hippie Chow Granola
    hello Civil War character of Robert E. Lee in re-enactments
    hello Host at BlueStem
    hello Sunday morning Bouncer at Grinder’s
    hello Star Guest Columnist
    hello Clay Chastain’s new Best Friend Forever

  6. Super Dave says:

    Do have to sort of giggle at the funk
    Like how his last day in office he puts the axe to the Plaza office building project. Not sure if that was an act of true passion for the area or a simple hey fuck you I did it because I could and knew it would stir up some shit.

  7. chuck says:

    “hello 31st and Linwood Costco cart retriever ”

    Heh, heh…

    “hello Sunday morning Bouncer at Grinder’s”

    Sunday morning…..whoa…

  8. John` says:

    “Like how his last day in office he puts the axe to the Plaza office building project.”

    They should just move to JoCo and get it over with. Seems like KCMO doesn’t want buisness for some odd reason.

    Glad they passed the e-tax!

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