Today: Joe Miller on City Hall Sex & How It All Went Horribly Wrong


The apology has been offered…

Now it’s time to learn what author, scholar, former Pitch top gun and one-time political operative Joe Miller really thinks. Starting with, does Miller think KC mayor Mark Funkhouser could have delivered the goods – "a city that works" – if he’d not had to deal with the neverending controversies and distractions of wife, First Lady Gloria Squitiro?

"My sense is to say no," Miller says. "But if he didn’t have her up there and got rid of me and Kendrick Blackwood and got someone who knew politics instead, maybe. But he’s a real uncooperative guy."

Quick detour…

What about the talk that Hizzonor and his wife had sex in the mayor’s office – true or false?

True, Miller says.

"Gloria told me they did, yeah," Miller says. "She said that was one of the first things she insisted they do and he was real nervous about it. But they were both real open about (sex)."

One example of the Funkhouser’s openness concerns the deflowering of their teenage daughter, Miller says.

"Basically, it was pretty much a full family ceremony," Miller says. "They drove the guy down to their cabin which was about six hours away. That itself was pretty unusual. And they put a tent outside for them – it was a family sanctioned thing. So they knew what was happening while it was happening."

Back to politics and City Hall…

Could Funk’s political dream – including those of his supporters, like Miller – ever have been realized?

"Maybe," Miller says. "It depends on who he had working in his office, but he probably would have struggled for the first two or three years even then."

One problem was that Funk was under contract to write an auditing book when he took office, Miller says.

"And he was supposed to have finished it between the end of the campaign and the time he entered office. But he was too tired. So when he got into office he was like, ‘Oh shit, I’ve got to finish this book.’ And he wanted the money, so he wasn’t around that much his first month in office – he was home writing the book. I mean, he’d come in during the afternoons but it was real frustrating for all of us."

Which started Funk off on the wrong foot with City Councilers, some of whom had been in his corner, Miller says.

"I don’t know, the council is weird. The council attracts people that are – you know – a little self-interested. So you can’t lay it all at Mark’s feet because he came into office with four experienced councilmembers. All of whom were very experienced at City Hall politics and at fucking people over. And all of whom wanted to be mayor pro tem.

"And Mark could only appoint one of them, so the other three started working against him and they were real good at it. Ed Ford, Terry Riley and John Sharp."

As for Funk’s future, "Well, I would imagine he’ll get a professorship somewhere," Miller says. "And I would imagine academia would be glad to have him and he’ll do a great job."

Long as he’s imagining, does Miller think deep down Funk and fam are happy he wasn’t re-elected?

"I have no idea," Miller says. "But he probably will be in the long run."
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16 Responses to Today: Joe Miller on City Hall Sex & How It All Went Horribly Wrong

  1. John says:

    I’m glad the Funk is gone.
    Now we don

  2. Super Dave says:

    The Funkster
    Everything about the Fuckster is strange.

    Sad part is so many people thought he would be the one to turn some things around in City Hall.

    Oh but did he ever turn some things around just sad was all the wrong things.

    Oh Hearne why did you have to put ths image into my mind of the Funksters doing the wild thing on the Mayors desk. Somethings are best left unsaid.
    But does make you wonder when the Sly Masters will be doing the same.

  3. Tracy Thomas says:

    Gloria told me exactly why: when I interviewed her.
    I did the first ever interview with Gloria Squitiro, right after the election and before Funk was sworn in. It was published in Kansas City Magazine, 4 years ago.

    She told me that before the wedding, she made Funk stipulate he would name ANY kids with HER maiden name, Squitiro, because she was an only child and her family name would die out unless she maintained the Squitiro lineage. She also kept her maiden name, refusing to take Funkhouser. He agreed because he did “not exactly relate well or feel attached to the Funkhouser family, where there was no love.”

    She also told me, which was in that story, that her father and grandfather were from Sicily, and that when she was growing up, in NYC, her family regularly housed Mafioso who came over from Italy, until they got settled. Or found “employment”…

    If you ever watched The Sopranos, there was a character in that series, also named Gloria, (Tony Soprano’s sister) who was a wild, free spirit. Very willful.

    My take on the Funkhouser/Squitiro family is this: They allowed their mutual dysfunctions to get in the way of Good Government. Gloria admits freely that she suffers greatly from agoraphobia (including fear of leaving her home). She never got treatment, at least medical, because she hates doctors. Gloria told me 4 years ago, which I also reported, that she believed she was Mary Todd Lincoln in a past life, and that Funk was Abe Lincoln.

    Funk admits in multiple interviews, he suffers from very low self esteem. He needed her to prop him up every day.

    Gloria was quite proud that she made him sign a written contract to come home every night by 5:30pm. He brought her to work. Not for a day, but for months. It cost him his career. She was virtually unemployable. She still resented, 15 years later, that she was not hired to run a non-profit where she had volunteered. She walked around barefoot in the mayor’s office, and dressed in wrinkled sloppy playclothes, uncombed hair, no makeup. That would likely be ways that an agoraphobic could manage her anxiety about leaving the house. She told me she had to ride up in an elevator by herself. Again, a way to manage her anxiety about closed spaces. She had to take the train everywhere to manage her anxiety and fear and inability to take an airplane.

    They apparently got no psychological help. They made horrid decisions that cost the taxpayers at least $750,000. He claimed in the Star to be “good with the money”, yet I have been told she took out a third mortgage to cover their bills. Now what is their future? He will probably have to leave town to take a job teaching somewhere. The Beverly Hillbillies from West Virginia will be forced to move. (I can’t think of any other mayors of KCMO in 150 years who ever left town after their term or terms were over. ) The children, who were both reported to be on the payroll of the family election enterprise, will be lucky if they can then reinvent themselves. Because whether they are named Funkhouser or Squitiro, their name is mud in this town.

    Sad for them, sad for KCMO which is falling even farther behind in the competition to be a self-supporting city. KCMO is a white welfare state. With a huge sense of “entitlement”. That just got advertised to the whole country with their needy 1% earnings tax campaign, “Save Our City”, and “If you don’t like it, don’t work here!”. How fitting, this horrible branding is, but what could you expect from a poor mountain boy from West Virginia and his Mafioso wife?

  4. Packers Nation says:

    A Sex Story without Glazer?
    Uh sorry Hearne these photos don’t measure up to our boy Craig’s. I won’t give the details, you can see them. I feel kinda bad for the Funk, he wanted to do well, but they cut his peepee off before he could start.

  5. chuck says:


    The Joe Miller diet.

    After breakfast every morning, read another chapter in Joe’s book about the Funks having sex, thier daughter being ritually “deflowered” and soon to come, some bathroom habits that could get Rosie fuckin O’Donnel off of the feed bag.

    Read Herne’s post again, then go stand in front of your fridge, and try to not puke into the crisper.

    This must be what its like in the first tri mester.


  6. Super Dave says:

    Go Tracy
    Good post right to the heart of the real issues as well.

  7. chuck says:

    Yeah Tracy it was dead on, but I’m still not feeling well.
    Ed Ford looks like Ted Bundy.

  8. smartman says:

    These white trash grifters make John and Kate Goslin and the Salaheh’s look like Ronnie and Nancy. The fact that Funk could even bang her sober is more revealing than anything else. Thank God my tolerance level for booze and drugs took me out when fat chicks started looking doable. Arnold Ziffle wouldn’t tap that ass for a silo full of corn. They are a living testament to the overwhelming stupidity and naivete of the citizens of KCMO. I hope she and Funk get caught up in the 69 and his nose gets stuck in her nasty vajajay and he suffocates. NO NORMAL MAN wants to know his daughter is getting her cherry picked. Only a whore of a mother would make it an outing.

  9. KU Forever says:

    Smartman My God
    Smartman, boy did you go for the kill or what?

  10. Mark x says:

    Smartman …
    ROFLMAO … one of your best !

  11. Hearne says:

    A quick afterthought from Joe
    The photo in the column of the Funks smooching on the mayoral office sofa raises the question of where the dirty deed went down. So naturally I asked Joe if he knew.

    “I don’t know,” Joe says. “But I think if you’re gonna do it in the mayor’s office you’ve gotta do it on the desk, don’t ya think? I mean, that’s the desk that Illus Davis sat at.”

  12. Super Dave says:

    Re: A quick afterthought from Joe
    Well with that added information if the cleaning services at city hall are anything like the snow removal sevices in the city you best not ever lay anything on the mayor’s desk. A person might not know what could be left sticking to it when you picked it up.

    Couldn’t you see smartman now if he found out that spot on his folder might be funky juice

  13. bschloz says:

    Dry Cleaners
    Don’t know but I think first time in the Mayors Office should be every bit as important as in The Tent…should’ve of been a City sanctioned event. Wonder if they did Bartle Hall , Sprint Center…
    Just My 1% worth …..

  14. Hearne Christopher says:

    Who hasn’t done Bartle Hall,Sprint Center? C’mon!

  15. Super Dave says:

    Cowtown Ballroom, Memorial Hall, Swope Park, Shawnee Mission Park, Municipal Auditorium, The Uptown. and last but not least The Ole Shawnee Drive In.

  16. Hearne Christopher says:

    Easy, Super Dave. They’ve only got two kidz

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