Hearne: Take The Royals Advice, Boycott Baseball

Everybody’s trying so freaking hard….

You know, to make it appear that somehow this year’s Kansas City Royals baseball season really matters. But in the wide world of sports – in the world of ‘Just win, baby!’ – it does not. Who cares?

It’s painfully obvious that after an eternity of mediocrity and faded hope, the owners of the Royals are either a) ridiculously inept b) could care less or c) all of the above. How else can it be explained?

At least in the days of the lowly Kansas City A’s everyone knew the score; the team was never gonna be any good, so just go out to the crappy stadium every year or three, check out the other team’s stars,slam a stadium steak, laugh at the mule and be done with it.

Get on with your life.

These days however, we have a sports media beast that needs to be fed.

There are two ways that beast can survive. On a diet of winning, competitive baseball and/or young, futuristic talent. Or by ripping players, management and owners for the obvious corporate betrayal.

But that can only appear to matter for so long.

At some point the hope springs eternal thinking runs out of gas. And we’re well past that point. Why bother to beat everybody up over the Royals shortcomings? It’s a losing battle, time to move on.Even soccer is more fun.

Speaking of which, Sporting Kansas City even during its less than stellar last two years almost made the playoffs.

When’s the last time that went down at The K?

Which brings us to this year’s Royals marketing game plan.

"My Attic Flooded," shouts an ad attempting to dial meaning into another meaningless Royals home opener. "There’s no excuse to miss opening day on Thursday March 31st."

Get real!

The ad itself gives the excuse; to attend this year’s home opener the Royals want you to buy tickets to 14 other games.

How dumb is that? The ad says there’s no excuse and then presents you with an excuse too good to pass up.

Who wants to choke down 15 games of bad baseball just so they can call in sick opening day and support a retired, out-of-town millionaire and his son?

The grocery stores are on board with in-store displays and Royals-branded peanuts. At least the price is right on the nuts and it saves you a trip to the stadium.

The Kansas City Star is desperate. With both its heavy hitter, name sports columnists MIA for the first season start ever, the paper’s trying to stave off flagging readership by running one of the lamest contests ever: "Submit Your New Soria Nickname"

Are Star readers that easily entertained? That’s embarrassing.

A lifetime ago, a far younger Kevin Kietzman of sports radio WHB convinced fans to walk out during a game to protest KC not getting enough revenue sharing to be competitive. A year later, nice guy Joe Posnanski – then of the Star – used reverse psycology and tried to get fans to sell out a meaningless game at season’s end to demonstrate KC’s love of baseball, despite our lifelong predicament.

Neither promotion really mattered. Look at us now.

There is one thing we haven’t tried, a boycot.

Cancel your subscription to the Star until NFL season starts. Don’t listen to sports radio after the Final Four until August. Hang out with your family/girlfriend/boyfriend. Join a health club. Get a puppy, adopt a cat. Sign up for belly dance lessons. Buy Sporting Kansas City season tickets. Take up tennis.

Or how about this…

Take the Royals marketing department’s advice and skip opening day. Tell them your attic flooded.

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15 Responses to Hearne: Take The Royals Advice, Boycott Baseball

  1. harley says:

    They don’t need you hearne…
    and besides…you’re as washed up as the guys like willie wilson…john mayberry.
    the royals will still draw 1.4 million fans to the stadium and thats all they need.
    With the money they get from baseball they hope the yankees and phillies…and angels…
    and dodgers and red sox generate enough revenue for the leagues that they get their
    share of the pie. Because the glass’s really don’t care because they’ve decided that as long
    as the big city teams bring in billions they get a profit no matter what kind of team they field.
    Only now they’ve cut all the experienced players from the team….traded their number
    one pitcher….and now have to create excitement with plyers noones heard of before.
    But it could work….if not we say goodbye to moore and yost….2 guys who never won anything
    except awards as complete idiots not knowing how to put a team together.
    I’ll still go out there 25 times to watch these no names attempt to play .300 ball….but i’ve never
    seen such sad sack opinions of a team in my life.
    No hope…no talent…no pitching….but as in life…hope does spring eternal. but its sad when the
    top sports talkers are making bets whether they reach 100 (LOSES THAT IS).
    Hopefully they continue the hot dog shooting machine….theres nothing like catching and attempting
    to eat a 10 day old hot dog!

  2. AP says:

    We Get It
    You’re a shill for Sporting KC. You know, some people are baseball fans, despite having to root for a terrible team.

  3. Royals Retro says:

    Fuck that. Why am I going to let David Glass’ incompetence take away my enjoyment of baseball? A bad baseball game still beats a night at home.

  4. Cliffy says:

    You’d rather watch soccer than major league baseball?

  5. Loser says:

    Cliffy, leave your mother’s dirty crotch out of this
    …The SKC stadium will be a good time whether you like soccer or not. Its a brand new fricken stadium! I would invite you to be my guest for an SKC game so i can explain how inept your little mind is. I guarantee you will have an enjoyable time.

  6. Superdave says:

    Four losing posts already
    No wonder Kansas City is such a loser town for the most part. When people such as Hearne try to show the short comings of things in this town all the other real losers all jump up and cry foul.

    I feel when you no long can tell the difference between good baseball and bad baseball you have reached a point in your life where it is for sure all down hill from there.

    I feel when you no longer care about the quality of things you do in your life you life becomes meaningless.

    Go ahead losers support a losing team that even the owners could care less about except stay home and watch the games on television and take the money you would have wasted out at the ball park and give to the burn center at KU or another worthy cause.

  7. craig glazer says:

    Hearne Is Correct
    Hey Now! Come on now folks the guy is pretty much right. We are being given a Double AA baseball team, at best, with one real star, Billy Butler and oh yeah a reliever, Soria, which doesn’t matter when you lose 105 games. They will. This is a college team. Yes the stadium is nice, yes we want to get away at night from home, but accept this crap from Glass? Let him lose some millions and than maybe he will get some players so we can be at .500 for the first time in twenty God Damn Years. I agree with Hearne here.

  8. Guy Who Says What Others Think says:

    Billy Butler a star? Man that’s pathetic.
    Seriously, how shitty is your franchise when the record for home runs in a season is what….35? God forbid MLB drops the STL/KC series. It’s the best attended series every year in KC, and that’s because of the Cardinal fans who come swarming into town like locusts.

  9. chuck says:

    Herne is dead on the money.
    The only tradition Royals Fans observe now, is sobbing naked on the floor every year right before the All Star Game.

    A Royals Fan’s Google Search Engine includes, “How to choke myself to death with Royal’s Stadium parking stubs.”

    While Mr. Glass is in no way ethically or morally compelled to provide a winning baseball team in KC, Kansas Citians are in no way compelled in turn to purchase a product that is, in spite of Manufacturer’s claims, defectve. Defective this year, last year and every year since said owner, Mr. Glass, bought the team, stripped it, turned it into a money machine that, in the face of incessant unambiguated failure, still, gets baseball Polyannas to brave meth heads, bad traffic, DUIs, potholes, pop-ups, pop-outs, pop-outs with-runners-on-each-other’s-shoulders-on-third-base-with-the-100th-loss-staring-us-in-the-face-baseball that is 3rd rate-devoid-of-hope sports on it’s best day.

    Still, its OPENING DAY!! I am in!!!! Jim fuckin Jones can hit, I know he can!!! Gimme that fuckin kool aide (“That’ll be $12.00 sir.”)!!! Brett is coming out of retirement with Frank, Willie, Amos, PUT ME IN COACH I AM READY TO PLAY, LOOK AT ME, I CAN BE CENTER FIELD!!! *slaps himself hard*

    David Glass’ Royals are going to be good? Are we Lemmings? How does this happen EVERY FUCKIN YEAR? Is there a Full Moon? I hope so, maybe the team can be lycanthropically renewed, grow huge teeth, claws, howl at the moon and drool like madmen cause thats the only way we don’t bust 100 again. I’m not batting! The cattcher bit me!!

    Thats it. Werewolves, better, pre-op transsexual werewolves, that will eliminate close plays and close calls from the umps. Fuck that, you tag him!! We have to maximize whatever we can. The Royals will make other teams SO uncomfortable, that many players will call in sick.

    How bout a “Killa City” section (There’s plenty of room by April 15th.), no player wants to go deep to right field for a fly ball on ‘Gat Night”.

    The Royals are a business, and a business only to Mr. Glass. All that bullshit about wanting to win is just that, bullshit. The Team is printing money. Glass is like a fuckin T 1,000, he will not stop counting money, he doesn’t feel pity for fans, he doesn’t feel remourse over loss, he will not stop ever, until the Royals lose 150.

    So I say, Hasta la vista Mr. Glass.

  10. Superfreq says:

    Royals – Hope Springs Eternal?
    It’s more like eternal damnation. As a 40 year old who grew up with the Royals of the 70’s & 80’s, I’ve given up caring about this team. It’s obvious the ownership doesn’t care. Go ahead and follow the carrot on a stick about another youth movement. If the young players are successful, think Glass will actually pay money to keep them? I guess you can keep living in the past and in another 4 years celebrate the 30th anniversary of the World Series. The promotions department can’t wait for that one to come up, because right now they are selling crap and they know it.

    I bought my 2 season tickets to Sporting KC, because I enjoy soccer (playing and attending World Cup matches) and see an ownership group who cares about their fans and product.

  11. Hearne says:

    Hate to say it, but on further thought…
    You’d probably be money ahead if your attic did flood.

    That way instead of getting stuck having to buy tickets to 15 Royals games, drag all of the way there with $4 gas, take the parking hit, choke down overpriced food and drinks, you can do something productive. Like mow the lawn or stop for a game of Beer Pong at The Well. Plus if Harley fumbles one of those 10 day-old, stale hot dog missiles you have to leave early and go ice down your eye.

    I mean, what’s the point?

  12. Hearne Christopher says:

    And don’t forget, Glass maxed out his contribution to the Funk with a $3,000 re-election check.

  13. Ron says:

    Bandwagon fans are just babies…
    The Royals have played in two World Series and 15+ playoff games since the Cheifs last appeared in the Super Bowl. Hearne sounds like a bandwagon fan. The Cubs haven’t won anything for 100+ years, and no one is boycotting them. Despite this year’s modest success, the Chiefs have been one of the worst teams in the NFL over the past five years. They will most likely be one of the worst teams in the NFL next year a well, if they don’t go on strike. If they do, I hope Hearne will be consistent and boycott professional football for the next 15-20 years.

  14. Ross says:

    This is news?
    Did the Royals JUST get bad? Is this a new thing? Why boycott them this year and not last year? It’s amazing that we have all of this technology and the “superinformation highway” and all Hearne can write about is the death of print media and a bad Royals team – it’s like it’s 1998 all over again.

    And I know this site isn’t into “facts” and “research” – but the level of play for a bad Royals team is FAR AND ABOVE the talent level you’ll see on any MLS field compared to real, professional soccer. Saying the Royals are AA – and then driving people to the Wizards is just stupid.

  15. TRich says:

    We’ve waited this long
    It’s finally coming. I decent group of young players. I know we’ve all heard it before, but I think it really is different this time. This may be the best farm system in the HISTORY OF BASEBALL. There are lots of places to read about it. They are not mainstream and they love to bash the Royals so go ahead and boycott this year, but don’t take the credit when they are better for it. It got started three years ago.

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