Maria: Hooters Girls’ Hubris and What It Taught Me

 

"I woke up with Sherron Collins’ hand down my shirt. I was like, ‘Come on now, Sherron. You know I don’t like you like that!’ But it’s cool. I love the basketball team. We’re homies. I mean, I was with Brady Morningstar when he got his DUI!"

A gaggle of Hooters girls latched on to her every word as she ended her story with a sort of proud insouciance.

Meet Sarah – a previous coworker and managerial favorite.

Standing six feet tall in her Sketchers, she boasted double D’s and a pair of perpetually bloodshot eyes, a result from her fondness of blunts and blow. Sarah was a college dropout, an ex-D1 volleyball player, and predominately an aspiring trophy wife with a weakness for black athletes and rich old men. On the outside, she was unmistakably beautiful.

I leaned against the front desk, indifferent to Sarah’s piffle and wishing for a customer or two on a slow Sunday night. I had just stocked the napkins, straws, and condiments; The basins sat emptied, trash taken out, my section pristine and ready for business. Behind the scenes, I was everyone’s bitch: stocking, sweeping, cleaning, and wiping, while the rest of the girls circled the front door like a pack of vultures. Door whores, they were called.

Oh, it was just another day at work.

I was hired one week before my AP Calculus exam and one month before high school graduation. As the youngest girl on staff, I worked silently among the plastic bosoms of the veterans where I labored in a state of constant intimidation. I was pretty at best, and saved the majority of my money for school.

All I could really do was work twice as hard and wear a damn good bra.

There were three types of girls who worked at Hooters. For most, it wasn’t a job, but a portal to a glamorous world where real work didn’t exist. To this first group of ladies Hooters was trophy wife bootcamp.

The just-pretty girls who had reasonable life plans comprised the second group, and the third consisted of the uncategorized leftovers. The ladies too resistible for the first nor keen enough for the second made up this passing assembly of nomads.

I was in the second.

And while my stories could fill pages with shocking prose, they would never compare to the tales of first group. They were conniving vixens, coveted yet loathed by every coworker. Dumber than plaster and higher than the arch of their painted-on eyebrows, they were frequently seen chewing on the wallets of patrons and regulars with unwavering success.

Because these poor dumbasses couldn’t handle a pair of tits in the face, they relinquished the keys to their Hawaiian condos, paid for trips to Vegas, and lent Escalades to the members of Group 1 on countless occasions. One even paid for a girl’s boob job and cosigned for her two friends.

Which brings us to meet Nicky, the bartender with the aforementioned free boob job and Sarah’s best friend. Nicky and I had a cordial relationship, distant and phony, but a relationship nevertheless. She dated the biggest coke dealer in the Kansas City area (who would get drunk and slip the waitstaff grams under the table) and was infamous for bedding rapper, Young Jeezy. Strangely enough, her boyfriend cared not about her numerous "platonic" relationships with wealthy men.

"Oh, he’s stayed the night over before! Slept on the couch. Yeah, my boyfriend was there!"

What a gem. These bitches had not one remorseful bone in their beautiful bodies, but yet this lack of sympathy was crucial in ascending the Hooters ladder. To hell with work ethic! Customers flocked by the dozens to throw money at their feet for a few moments of flirtatious affectation, only to have their money recycled toward the girls’ personal upkeep and drug stash.

In the real world, these girls were emotional parasites who collected the drool of countless men.

In the Hooters world, they were super stars, favored by the managerial staff regardless of their attendance, work ethic, and behavior.

I learned plenty through this experience. I learned how to use my charm for ill and even for good. I learned to save money, refuse under-the-table coke deals, and work hard even if it was to little avail. But above all, I now know that I’d rather ascend a more respectable ladder than the one placed before me at Hooters.

How’s that for an accurate depiction of the real world?

 

 

 

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18 Responses to Maria: Hooters Girls’ Hubris and What It Taught Me

  1. Kerouac says:

    I’VE NEVER SET FOOT IN A ‘HOOTERS’
    thanks for affirming my decision…

  2. harley says:

    I LOVE HOOTERS
    Good friend of mine Mike owned the original hooters in kc on metcalf. I knew the other hooters owners
    also (spits was his nickname). So i’ve been going to hooters before some of these girls were born.
    Actually their new lineup of caribbean style wings is excellent.
    As a business…they’ve done well. Great concept. Girls are one step down from strippers.
    and yes…there were low lifes that bought them trips and jewlery and tits and blow but that’s what these girls
    are all about.
    Come on Maria…you ain’t working at chuckie cheese! Whats do you expect?
    If a man goes into hooters he expects to see some cheap ass ho. If they wanted anything else they could
    go to Dennys where the waitresses look like
    truck stop skanks and serve bad grand slams.
    So what maria. Are you writing something none of us havent known. Hot women attract men.
    Hot women want money. Hot women want the bbd ( bigger better deal). So we don’t need you to
    remind us that the waitresses/hos at hooters are just that.
    In my day (years ago) we would head up to metcalf at shift change. 7pm. Get the ones who wanted
    to party. We’d take them to raouls to party and drink. (that was their hangout).
    But we knew what we were getting.
    You don’t have to go to hooters to find these types of girls. You can go anywhere.
    Because these women are like vampires. After the money.
    Those girls are well trained and smart. They know the game. and for the suckers who go
    for them and think they really like them..they’ll find that their money will be sucked out of their
    wallets.
    The question for you maria is i think you’re just like them. Are you going to marry a truck driver
    making 30k a year or a welder or electrician making $15 an hour? i KNOW YOU’RE NOT.
    SO ESSENTIALLY ALL WOMEN ARE LOOKING FOR THE MONEY. ITS ALL ABOUT THE
    MONEY!

  3. HARLEY says:

    MARIA…THE ONLY LADDER YOU NEED TO CLIMB
    is…………..
    Why fight it. You’re a good looking woman. Find some rich guy and marry him
    and never worry about wiping tables/hanging out at jardines with old guys/
    ……its so much easier.
    And remember what my dad told me…YOU CAN MARRY MORE IN 5 MINUTES
    THAN YOU CAN MAKE IN 50 YEARS!

  4. THE OTHER SON says:

    DID NICKY DATE?
    You mention that Nicky dated the biggest coke dealer in the Kansas City area—Must have been dating Craig Glazer.

  5. harley says:

    the other son….
    as much as we give each other shit on this site…its usually with a bit of banter and
    since therese only a few of us on here….its really no big deal.
    I’ll give glazer some hell…and he needs it to be grounded…we’ll exchange
    insults (like bobby slayton) and other comedians…and we’ll discuss sports
    and politics…but we do it without extreme hatred.
    Your comment represents some pretty serious legal allegations and criminal
    allegations. If you have a problem…take it up outside.
    as much as we raz each other on here we don’t get into criminal messages.
    Be cool….its your brother….

  6. Greg says:

    I smell hot wings and a book
    Great read, Maria. You have the makings for one helluva good book with your fisthand Hooters’ experiences and flare for writing. You go, girl.

  7. kcredsox says:

    Harley
    I believe Glazer is a convicted drug user/dealer.

  8. Kerouac says:

    A ‘flair’ for Freudian slip?
    “Great read, Maria. You have the makings for one helluva good book with your fisthand Hooters’ experiences and flare for writing. You go, girl.”

    – ‘flare’ & ‘fisthand’ – suggests you imagine she looks ‘hot’ when she balls up her ‘mitts’/catfights with the others (I on the other hand am only interpreting your inference, as it were…)

  9. Robertoe says:

    Yeah, girl. Nice piece.
    I was a tad concerned after your Santa piece and recent absence. Now you are back on track. Quality. Writing is always a struggle but you’ve spawned a nice gem here. Mixing subtle sexuality, a touch of character development, your personal virtues and a refreshing writing style is a potent and productive combination. Keep it up! You’ll end up probably doing so, but you are a gal who doesn’t need to couple up for completion.
    You have the beauty and personality for your category #1, but I’m impressed that you recognize (at your age) that category #2 is a better path with heart. You’re on it. I’m very confident you’ll excel at whatever you decide to do. But here’s my main advice- keep writing!

  10. chuck says:

    Good read
    .

  11. Guy Who Says What Others Think says:

    They look like C cups to me, Maria.
    And damn fine ones at that. Glad you got the hell out of Hooter’s and are now displaying some other talents that will take you further in life. Good article, an entertaining read. Not to mention spot on when it comes to Hooter’s Waitstaff/Strippers.

  12. bschloz says:

    Above Board
    Good blog….
    stocking, sweeping, cleaning, and wiping, Welcome To Kansas City
    Very admirable to keep your coke deals above the table.

  13. JimmyD says:

    Maria
    Keep up the good work. Remember to always include Hooters pics with every entry no matter the subject. You know Glazer’s working on something right now. Hopefully this lights his fire because women and cocaine is kind of his thing around here. Just watch, his next article will kill

  14. jack says:

    Maria Loves the Glazer
    Show these pic’s to Glazer. Maybe he will come around for you. I know he’s older, but I sense you really liked him. He’s cool, not near as bad as these guys say. Enjoy your writing, good looking lady, all the best.

  15. Rico Suave says:

    I’d tap that ass
    no papellas en el bano
    to eres punta si verdad?
    no papellas en el bano
    tu eres punta si verdad

  16. maria says:

    Hey Rico Suave-
    You said “bitch” wrong.

    To everyone else: Your kind words keep me going! Thanks! 🙂

  17. harley says:

    Maria…your smile and hot body
    keep us up. Can we get more hooters stories. We love hearing about those girls.
    Give us more dirt….and more photos.
    And where the hell is glazer…havent had any writers to harass…whats he doing..
    signing a mega deal with ron howard to play barney fife in the Don Knotts story?

  18. Merle Tagladucci says:

    Solid
    Best writer on this website, hands down. Keep bringing it.

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