Tony: New Year’s Resolutions For This Town

Already this New Year I’ve broken all of my promises to myself so I guess it’s time to start making commitments for other people.

To wit, I’ve developed some New Year’s resolutions for all of this town so that we don’t keep repeating our failure.

Let’s take a look at my mandates for change and realize that the most accurate and biting criticism comes out of love:


This town needs to stop believing Kansas City sports hype – Throughout this year the repeated argument that the Chiefs and Royals will improve in any meaningful way is nothing more than a cruel hoax.

Pro-sports marketing attacks us at our weakest point.

Support for the home team is twisted and really results in nothing more than backing an endless series of tax breaks and mediocre play.

 Local Ladies Need To Lose Weight – Here’s a bit of infinite wisdom, "Fat men aren’t fat only fat women are fat." I think that quote comes from The Family Guy but I’ve adopted it as my own. 

If this town is EVER going to be something more than a fourth rate metropolis then we’re going to need broads who are willing to skip a meal in the name of appearances.

Still, there’s something strangely familiar about Kansas City and self-hate and local ladies who remain size16 with a love to eat that thankfully are not that picky. Life is give and take.

Stop wishing for a better class of politicians – When this town was at it’s very best the politicos engaged in outright corruption and the mob ruled the streets. Now, politicos play political parlor games and toss around the same old rhetoric about reform while random, deadly crime dominates the headlines with little rhyme or reason. So, the hope for some grand age of political reawakening is only in vain. The most interesting politicos are always the horrible ones and this town’s polite middle-class values prevent us from any real change.

Dog Parks Are For Pussies – Your dog is ashamed of you for wanting to waste taxpayer funds on such frivolity. Get a bigger lawn and there is your non-leash dog park. Sadly, last year saw a collection of malcontents and middle-aged women try and make this an issue about livability. But it’s nothing more than an excuse for the bourgeois to engage in civic activism without any real principle.

Remember that an Eastside homicide is just as important as a missing white woman – Disparity when it comes to media coverage is well documented and often repeated. In this town MWWS is a way of life. If murder rates and public perception are every going to change, it can start here. And maybe engage people concerned about fighting crime throughout the city rather than take away coverage from anyone. I know, even media on the Internets garner more interest from producing content related to surprised kitties rather than any insight into homicide.

So there you have it, if Kansas City makes improvements in these areas then we can change the downward spiral of this town.

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