Maria: Make Santa Expendable!

Forgive my tardiness on this entry, for I know that it is past Christmas. Luckily, it will come again in 364 days, which gives you fine people sufficient time to ponder my sentiments regarding the archetypal holiday hero.

Santa Clause, to put it mildly, is a springboard for irrational belief systems and a wolf beneath a beguiling red coat. He’s an unnecessary mind fuck, whose subterfuge has led to several incidences of brain tumors in small children.

Hide your kids! Hide your cookies! Hide your milk!

 Now I’m sure countless adults have survived childhood under Santa’s pretense, myself included, but I find it absolutely immoral to consciously perpetuate a lie. Likewise, tradition should be no rival to the illogical perspectives and cancerous growths that may arise in future generations. Essentially, Christmas can be just as jolly without Mr. Claus and his troupe of flying reindeer. The times they are a-changin’, and you old fogies must adapt.


Hear me out.


1.) Santa is one fat, reckless bastard. In a country where fat children run rampant like Iowa cattle, do they really need to fawn over someone who breaks into their house to eat their cookies? In addition, this amorphous sack of red velour can travel to every house in the world in 24 hours, yet is never seen wearing a helmet or seatbelt. (Despite that fact that it’s not even possible to travel faster than the speed of light.) What a turd.


2.) He has voyeuristic tendencies. He sees you when you’re sleeping? He knows when you’re awake? He knows if you’ve been bad or good? Yikes. Need I say more?


3.) He’s an authoritarian dictator. Hell, a COMMIE! He has a sweatshop of elves employed for mass toy production all year round. Clearly, he’s slowly trying to convert the world’s children to his cause of "toy making". Ha! More like BOMB MAKING! We know your tricks, Mr. Claus.


4.) He’s a criminal. If we know that he’s coming, why does he insist on the chimney? Just come in the front door, you felon. What do you have to hide? Oh, that’s right. Everything.


With that said, I hope you all realize the grave danger we’re placing upon our children. And while we’re preaching at the altar of Tony Botello, let’s rid ourselves of christmas lights, too.
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8 Responses to Maria: Make Santa Expendable!

  1. harley says:

    Happy new year. Stay away from all the old guys. All they want is your
    p*ssy. Nothing else.
    Hopefully you’ll find true love in 2011….if not theres always:


  2. Marks says:

    Maria is Hot
    Saw you at Jardines, KCC party. You sure looked great Maria. Met Craig Glazer as well. Have to admit, nice looking gentleman. You two made a handsome couple Maria. I read all the comments here for fun, so don’t know if he is your boyfriend or not. I was jealous. Like your stories on kcconfiential keep them flowing, have a nice New Years.

  3. maria says:

    No! no! no! Never! No!
    Though Craig is a fascinating guy, we are definitely not dating. He is very much out of my age range. So on that note, let’s not perpetuate that false tidbit of gossip!

    Thank you for your kind words. Have a wonderful new years!


  4. Robertoe says:

    xmas party
    You weren’t very observant at the Xmas shindig. Watching Maria put Craig G in his overaged place, was one of the highlights of the evening 🙂 I don’t know how you could have misconstrued that exchange for being a couple! tehehe
    PS. I’m overaged too!

  5. DVD says:

    I’m guessing this was tongue-in-cheek, and you don’t honestly believe Santa promotes childhood obesity and burglary. But if that’s the case, I feel like this article should have been…you know, funny. Either present your case in a manner that can be taken seriously, or make it clear that your aim is satirical in nature. What you’ve done here is just leaving me wondering whether you’re an idiot, or just an inexperienced writer.

  6. Kerouac says:

    … no one, hung.

    “Hide your kids!”

    – or keep kidding yourself…

    “Hide your cookies!”

    – or just delete them aft each session…

    “Hide your milk!”

    – in Maria-speak/her parlance, ‘cover & bind thy bosom’… (sorry ‘harley the hard-up’, no teat show for you.)

    Upshot: it was a cold Three Dog Night this as evr’y Christmas for Maria – Nyro’s opus having struck (dis)chord her membership the sisterhood Medusa, Stheno & Euryale – their “Santa” but “Eli” by any other, defense mechanisms become psychological projections.

    “Eli’s comin’, hide your heart, girl
    Eli’s comin’, hide your heart, girl
    Girl, Eli’s a-comin’, you better hide
    Girl, Eli’s a-comin’, you better hide
    Girl, Eli’s a-comin’, you better hide
    Girl, Eli’s comin’, hide your heart, girl (hide it)
    You better, better hide your heart
    Eli’s comin’, better walk

    Walk but you’ll never get away
    No, you’ll never get away from the burnin’ a-heartache
    I walked to Apollo by the bay
    Everywhere I go though, Eli’s a-comin’ (she walked but she never got
    Eli’s a-comin’ (she walked but she never got away)
    Eli’s a-comin’ and he’s comin’ to git ya (she walked but… she walked
    Get down on your knees (she walked but she never got away)

    Always enjoy the insight garnered via reading your ‘Dear Diary’ blogs, Maria…

  7. Eric says:

    You should write for INK!
    This is the kind of useless read they have!

  8. Rainbow Man says:

    just wait
    spoken like a woman without kids…. when you are 27 and conservative you don’t have a heart… when you are 40 and liberal… you don’t have a brain.

    Rainbow Man

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