I‘m writing this as a followup to the silent night and big morning when children and adults delude themselves on the subject of something besides the real estate market.
Accordingly, since we’ve all been engaging in a bit of make believe recently, I thought it would be appropriate to criticize my bounty of holiday gifts like any good man-child.
Let’s take a look at my letter to Santa and see how I did:
Because I love Kansas City so much I am making this detailed request of you. I know you are busy bringing toys to all of the white, Christian boys and girls but these items might help brighten the lives of so many more people in this town stuck in the middle of the continental U.S, Ya know, the place where they used to make things.
Anyhoo, here’s my wishlist for all of the City:
1. A New Mayor – C’mon Santa, I think this town can do better than a guy who might be the most boring man in the free world. Also, a new Mayor would mean the end to the reign of his shoeless wife and her role in local politics that is unprecedented in modern KC history.
2. A Decent Pro Sports Team – So far both the Royals and Chiefs have proven that their only talent is for creating hype. I feel like it’s my duty to explain to the locals that the KC small market predetermines this town’s pro-sports mediocrity. Think of it as a nature vs. nurture debate played out for idiots who don’t want to understand ANYTHING in a context beyond simple Xs and Os.
3. A real solution to ongoing KC violence and murder. Sadly, ignoring this problem doesn’t mean it’s going to go away anytime soon. As of late there have been a lot of ideas thrown around on this topic from Mayoral candidates in KC Proper but nothing that looks like it’s even close to a solution.
4. Death to the Santa tracker.- I know it’s a tradition but for the past few years it’s been hard to watch something so trivial make the news over and over again; other than high school sports. If we’re going to put something completely fictional and frivolous on the TV news it might as well be female pro-wrestling.
5. A subscription to The KC Star – For the puppy that I hope you’ll bring for me Santa. I read all my news on The Internet and don’t really need it but I still think the daily newspaper can serve a purpose in the digital era.
There ya go Santa. Most of these wishlist items are completely reasonable and might only take a few moments of your time. I’ve heard that most people who believe in things they can’t see or prove end up disappointed, so if any of these items are beyond the scope of your power, please just substitute with cash.
Addendum: Okay, turns out I didn’t get ANYTHING I wanted . . . To quote my favorite 80’s movie and my personal role model, Bender from The Breakfast Club:
"You know what I got for Christmas? Oh, it was a banner fucking year at the old Bender family. I got a carton of cigarettes. The old man grabbed me and said, "Hey, smoke up Johnny." Alright? So go home and cry to your Daddy. Don’t cry here, okay?"
Alright, it was a better year than that but not something I don’t really want to share with the dweebs that hang out on the Internets on X-mas.