Jack Goes Confidential: Jolie / Depp Serve Up Lame Romantic Thriller

Looking for a picture perfect postcard / travelogue bursting with beautiful people?

Then THE TOURIST is your movie.
 
For everything else…read on and be warned.
 
For much of the film’s first reel we get Angelina Jolie as ‘Elise’ in Paris, looking absolutely gorgeous and provocative—and knowing it.

Then there’s the bullet train ride to Venice where she walks from coach to coach (did I mention looking posiitvely gorgeous and provocative)…while looking for him! Which turns out to be Johnny Depp, an American Community College math teacher named Frank who’s off to Italy to mend his broken heart.

He’s THE TOURIST.

Chance meeting or deliberate circumstance? The plot thickens!

What awaits Depp in Venice is definitely not what he had in mind because this hot babe’s motives may not be what they seem! What are her real attachments? Why is her other half being tracked by multiple government agencies including Interpol, Scotland Yard and a Russian mobster?

Is it all just a case of mistaken identity with Depp being the perfect decoy?
 
One thing’s for sure, this tourist gets himself way deep into an international cat-and-mouse game with a twist!
 
You would think this would all be terribly exciting. You would be wrong.

The action. The bad guys. The cops. The dialogue.  All have the look and feel of a lame 60’s Euro-thriller.
I kept thinking: Is this supposed to be a spoof?

If it is, why am I not laughing and why do I keep checking my watch?
 
As the film lumbers towards the end of its 1:43 hour running time, we continue to marvel at Jolie’s stunning features. Matter of fact, a few hair adjustments during the chases through the canals of Venice have her looking suspiciously like a young Sophia Loren. And that’s a good thing.
 

Frankly, I can’t make up my mind as to what topped my excitement meter: Jolie’s fabulousness or the landscape?

It sure as hell wasn’t the story or screenplay or her ultimate undercover identity.
 
Oh, and about the chemistry between Jolie and Depp? That must’ve been left on the cutting room floor.
 
One line in this romantic-thriller between these two ueber-stars pretty well sums it up.:

(Jolie to Depp):  "I wish we could have met in another life."

Personally I wish they’d have met in another movie.
 
An Orlando review of the film nails it by calling it "Sex and the City with gandolas and gunfights."
 
THE TOURIST barely raises 2-1/2 out of 5 fingers. Now I think I’ll go wash my hands.

 

JACK GOES TO THE MOVIES is Kansas City’s longest running movie magazine and airs Friday mornings on KMBZ / KUDL / and KXTR.
And anytime on Time-Warner Cable’s ‘K.C. ON DEMAND’-Channel 113.
 

 

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3 Responses to Jack Goes Confidential: Jolie / Depp Serve Up Lame Romantic Thriller

  1. Anonymous says:

    thanks for update
    I was hoping for better, damn it.

  2. Anonymous says:

    Depp purposely mailed in this performance
    You can tell he thought this movie was crap as it was being shot…strange that he took the role in the first place. His approach to the character is subtly tongue in cheek, as if he decided to play it too straight on purpose.

  3. Ryan says:

    If you have good eyes, it can be easy to spot a photo that’s been Photoshopped. Of course, the best image alterations can be nigh undetectable, which can pose problems if you absolutely must know if the picture is genuine. This is why you need to consult Photoshopped Image Killer , which is the equivalent of gun ballistics for pictures.

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