Maria: An Open Letter to Christmas Jerks

Dear Christmas Nazis, Thanksgiving advocates, and those on holiday power trips:

I have seasonal depression. Come mid-November, my skin pales and my dopamine levels plummet at the speed of light. I lie in bed a lot, cry in my hot cocoa, and lose faith in humanity about five times a week (as opposed to the two during any other season). Basically I’m in a four month coma, connected to my two life support tubes: Christmas and KU basketball.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So when you whiny bastards yank on the Christmas plug before I’m ready to die, I have to lash out.

 

First and foremost, you are not in charge of anything. You are not Father Time. You are not a calendar maker. You are a holiday hustler who’s in bed with the Thanksgiving turkey. You have no authority in telling me the exact minute I’m allowed to turn on Christmas music and put up a tree.

 

And on that note, fuck Thanksgiving.

 

All it does is impede the glorious consummation of Christmas and give douche bags like you a reason to shove your Grinch ideology down my throat. Why am I obliged to give thanks to your God with a holiday that instigates obesity? Perhaps I can give thanks to the Mayan sun god by sacrificing a virgin (if I could find one) on Wescoe Beach. I just don’t really want to celebrate the arrival of sexually-oppressed Puritan pilgrims, especially in the unpleasant company of my family. I can extend gratitude on my own; I don’t need a holiday. So I’ll pass on Thanksgiving and go straight to Christmas.

 

Then you guys want to throw in my face that Christmas is a religious holiday, asking me why I celebrate it if I don’t believe in God.

 

Nice try, but you’re not clever. I’m still going to play Christmas music during the last week of October. I’m just doing what you Cafeteria Christians do best: pick and choose the most convenient aspects of religion, Christmas traditions reigning supreme. It may be Jesus’ birthday, but I’m only crashing it for the Peppermint Schnapps and catchy music. Jesus doesn’t rock around my Christmas tree, nor does he bake my holiday cookies. The only thing Jesus has done for me is give me a reason to sin. (Thanks, by the way.)

 

So all I’m asking is for you to fuck off. Please. I’m going to do what makes me happy and continue basking in the majesty of Christmas. Just keep snorting Prozac off the Thanksgiving table, and be sure to pass the stuffing to that family member that you hate.

 

Happy holidays,

Maria

Photo credits: "Presents Opening Children" by Rob Sheridan

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10 Responses to Maria: An Open Letter to Christmas Jerks

  1. DonkeyPunch says:

    Somebody needs to get laid
    good lord, woman. Hillary Clinton called and wants her bitchiness back

  2. harley says:

    typical ku fan
    whine..whine and more whining.
    Go get a vibrator sweetheart….no wonder no one is with you during
    the holidays.
    You make grinch seem like tony botello.
    Wow…talk about a bad attitude….you have one chip on your shoulder.
    Maybe hearne can knock you up or off.

  3. chuck says:

    You can come back baby
    Rock and Roll never forgets!

  4. Kerouac says:

    WOW MARIA
    that’s some of the worst method acting I’ve ever- well here, this time ‘concentrate’ & ‘focus’ – REALLY get into your blather so that the 4th wall becomes transparent and the audience can identify with your character & feel your angst – ‘believe’ it is so the twain. Beyond said, I concur with your pathos. And now this bit of Holiday (works the other 364 days too) resignation courtesy Cioran, ‘nother gem from EM: "My mission is to kill time, and time’s to kill me in its turn. How very comfortable one is among murderers." Whew… I need a cold shower.

  5. bschloz says:

    supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
    So will you be live blogging Black Friday?

  6. maria says:

    Did someone say Black Friday?!
    I’ll be far too busy trampling people this Black Friday. (If I have enough money, that is.) It’s my favorite holiday under Christmas. No one can keep up with me.

  7. Rainbow Man says:

    you are lying maria
    Take it from a 44 year old with a six figure income and lots of life experience. Your cynicism will get you nowhere and stunt your growth. Yeah.. I have done the cynic thing. While you say you hate Christmas, the country pumps in thousands more people every day whose last name ends in "z" … just like yours. They like Christmas… They like an American Christmas. As a guy with plenty of Hanukah celebrators in the family… I know about sharing and tolerance. I can tell you.. that you are wrong… and you will eventually regret the cynicism. You obviously have not watched your own kid on Christmas morning yet. Spare me the "smart liberal agnostic" crap. You don’t know anything.

  8. Cliffy says:

    Blah, blah, blah …
    Naw, rb. She thinks she’s atheist. Way more cool than agnostic.

  9. Guy Who Says What Others Think says:

    The real questions after reading this…..
    Who lit the fuse on this bitch’s tampon? And how big are her cans?

  10. craig glazer says:

    OK I WILL SLEEP WITH YOU
    Love the story Maria. Once again you show all of us what a talented writer you are, for real, just great. So to keep you from going nuts and being ready to it the button…OK I’M IN! What you got going on Thanksgiving Week? Call me, just got back from LA yesterday. Hope all is well. Fun read. I agree with you.

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