Once again, the University Daily Kansan upholds its commitment in its pursuit of mediocrity. I’m utterly impressed by how unimpressive it is. Yesterday – for what they thought was the first time in my life – I learned about condoms in an article that read like an electric toothbrush manual. And when I thought the UDK could not publish worse, they come out with this gem of a lede:
"Four Loko: legalized cocaine in a can."
Because the UDK staff is well-versed in the art of blow despite their writing being the literary equivalent of Valium.
The article played off of the growing popularity of Four Loko on campus, purporting to shed light on the drink’s potential danger to KU students. At $2.50 a can, Four Loko is overwhelmingly perfect for college students. Many of my peers love the taste, but I’m pretty sure that if it didn’t contain that measly 12% alcohol content they’d say otherwise. I personally think it tastes like shit. Anything that pours out a fizzy, hot pink liquid belongs in a chemistry lab and not your body. If you can’t understand that, then you deserve to roll around in your stomach lining after three cans.
The article also mentioned the recent hospitalizations that resulted from this demonic beverage. It went something like: Oh no! 23 hospitalizations in Ramapo College?! Summon the witch doctor! We must purge our universities of the TERRRRRIBLE Four Loko that is clearly trying to ruin the ingenious future of our nation!
I say we just let natural selection work its magic, even though people in Kansas don’t know what that is.
Four Loko is not directly causing alcohol-related hospitalizations among college students, but rather being placed in the hands of people who shouldn’t drink. Four Loko is just pulling the trigger of a loaded gun – a loaded, novel, and popular gun. In 2008, 273 college students were sent to the Lawrence Memorial Hospital for alcohol-related issues.
Where’s the fuss about that?
Oh, it hasn’t been written because the UDK is trying too hard to make friends.