On Groundhog’s Day of ’91, Maria was expelled from her mother’s uterus in a Des Moines hospital. She is currently the oldest, smartest, and prettiest of two and a-half children. Her formative years were awkward and painful, marked by Mexican jokes and slow chesticular development. Eventually her boobies emerged, and she finally came to terms with her ethnicity.
Now a student at the University of Kansas, Maria is shooting for a double-degree in Not Failing and Staying Alive. When she’s not being a cynical bitch, she’s criticizing something. And when she’s not criticizing something, she’s getting herself into conversations about religion and politics.
Awkward at first, Maria warms up to be one of the most splendiferous people you’ll ever know. She’s an old soul, finding delight in the daily crossword puzzle, Frank Sinatra, and antiques. She watches Jeopardy every day at 4:30, though she hates Alex Trebek and the contestant’s personal anecdotes after the first commercial break. Maria’s only career goal is to see the world and mingle with its people.
She’s currently on the market looking for anyone who even vaguely resembles Hank Moody. If you don’t know who that is, then don’t bother.