Hearne: Maria Juarez Descends, Detonates on KC Confidential

Lest you miss it, I present edgy, new KC Confidential provocateur Maria Juarez real, true Hollywood story/bio.

On Groundhog’s Day of ’91, Maria was expelled from her mother’s uterus in a Des Moines hospital. She is currently the oldest, smartest, and prettiest of two and a-half children. Her formative years were awkward and painful, marked by Mexican jokes and slow chesticular development. Eventually her boobies emerged, and she finally came to terms with her ethnicity.

Now a student at the University of Kansas, Maria is shooting for a double-degree in Not Failing and Staying Alive. When she’s not being a cynical bitch, she’s criticizing something. And when she’s not criticizing something, she’s getting herself into conversations about religion and politics.

Awkward at first, Maria warms up to be one of the most splendiferous people you’ll ever know. She’s an old soul, finding delight in the daily crossword puzzle, Frank Sinatra, and antiques. She watches Jeopardy every day at 4:30, though she hates Alex Trebek and the contestant’s personal anecdotes after the first commercial break. Maria’s only career goal is to see the world and mingle with its people.

She’s currently on the market looking for anyone who even vaguely resembles Hank Moody. If you don’t know who that is, then don’t bother.

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17 Responses to Hearne: Maria Juarez Descends, Detonates on KC Confidential

  1. Anonymous says:

    Harry Balczak
    Hubba Hubba

  2. Anonymous says:

    Her boobies emerged and she came to terms with her ethnicity. Just like Tony Botello.

  3. Anonymous says:

    They wrote Hank Moody based on me.

    btw- wanna know secret? The only way we could David into taking that role was to put it in writing that he could/would be in sexual scenes with at least 2 beauties per episode….. and we got him out of retirement.. and the rest is history.

    The only way I would agree to meet up with Maria is….. if we met in a book store and……. then….. etc etc etc …… yes yes yes …. and then….. BAM!!!!!……

    just kidding, Although the one time was fine …. I much prefer my love making to climax in a heap of passion, not a sucker punch : )

    uuuummm Maria…..

  4. Anonymous says:

    Rainbow Man
    Hey I was expelled from a uterus in Des Moines as well. Not a bad place to be born at all.

  5. Anonymous says:

    Gosh, even more boring than Meet the Press. This must be NPR during a pledge break.

  6. Anonymous says:

    I know a Gomer Moody?

  7. Anonymous says:

    This is a very good tips especially to those new to blogosphere, brief and accurate information

  8. Anonymous says:

    Hmmm thanks for yet another funny and good post. Where do you receive your inspiration for all this :|?

  9. Anonymous says:

    Hearne don’t let this site turn into The Dirty. The Dirty is lame and has 0 class.
    HC: Um, uh, OK

  10. Anonymous says:

    I have to agree with Mermaid. While this woman may be a good writer with a unique perspective, there is nothing in the above article that makes me want to read her next article.

  11. Anonymous says:

    ?????????? ?????
    ????? ??? ??????? ?????? ? ?????? ???? ???? ? ?????????? ????????

  12. Anonymous says:

    How big are her tits? How bad is her gag reflex?
    HC: And how crude and crass is anonymous Eric. Pretty lame.

  13. Anonymous says:

    Like Hank Moody I’m an analog guy in a digital world. I think Maria has some raw talent. Let’s see how long she can hang at KCC before she files a sexual harassment suit against Hearne, Glazer or Tony.

    Hell, she’s already a lot better than Jenee Ostertag or whatever her name is as the Star.
    HC: I dunno, but I’d be more worried about her needing to fend you off, my man.

  14. Anonymous says:

    Like I give a shit. Go toss a salad.
    HC: No problem. Shaken or stirred?

  15. Anonymous says:

    I’d love to pick that ball up and run with it Hank Moody style but out of respect and admiration for young Maria I’ll pass. Besides, it’s time for the early bird buffet at Denny’s.

  16. Anonymous says:

    The Independent Rage
    I think she’s going to meet a lot more Charlie Runkles hanging around this joint. Besides, Hank Moody was off to the can at last check.

  17. Anonymous says:

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