Tony: Kansas City Running On Empty

It’s worth noting that The Kansas City Marathon took place this weekend.

Our cowtown version of a marathon is a minor event that doesn’t even rank on most competitive racing schedules but locals would do well to mark the date in order to avoid getting caught up in the monster traffic jam created by local joggers. I normally sleep through the whole thing but there have been a few times that frustrated middle-managers have wasted my time in traffic while they pound city streets in search of their self-esteem.

So beware of this 3rd rate contest that’s mostly about catering to the ego of locals running away from the miserable reality of their lives.

Think I’m kidding, take a look at the sprawling race route that is sure to inconvenience nearly everyone up on Saturday morning.

My only hope is that a few local skanks are caught in traffic after doing the “walk of shame” and see far more motivated people paraded in front of them.

Otherwise, the only purpose of this Autumn distraction is to pretend that the petty goals of middle-managers mean something. Back in the day there was an illusion that completing a marathon was some sign of achievement or an indication of physical fitness. Incorrect on both counts. So many housewives, celebrities and former fatties have completed marathons that it means even less than once taboo interracial marriage (which is much more fun). Hell, I think Oprah even ran a marathon. As for the health benefits, nowadays exercise is much more precise and trendy. People are looking for a “low impact” workout that might involve picking up some strange tail. From spin class to “hot yoga” (ew) to whatever new fad is on the horizon . . . The salad days of jogging sadly passed away with Jim Fixx — A 70’s health guru who, ironically, died after jogging.

Anyhoo, the point of this missive is that the Kansas City Marathon is not only third rate but also a horrible waste of time and more than slightly annoying to everyone else. The only bright side of so much stomping through town is that I’m most likely to sleep through all of it.

Tony Botello

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93 Responses to Tony: Kansas City Running On Empty

  1. Anonymous says:

    John
    I read the first sentence and couldn’t read anymore. Too boring.

  2. Anonymous says:

    Chris
    Is this really worth bitching about?

  3. Anonymous says:

    Steve
    I did hear my fair share of complaints thats for sure about the traffic messes.

  4. Anonymous says:

    Glow1
    You are right Tony, it gives me a self-esteem boost and an escape from reality to run these types of races. Kind of like you when you have to attack another segment of the population for no reason. But if that’s what makes you feel better, keep on keeping on.

  5. Anonymous says:

    Bert Lahr
    Maybe we should all just sit at home and blog and blog and blog and blog and blog about how very stupid and lame everyone else is.

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  6. Anonymous says:

    Harry Balczak
    Why the fuck don’t you just move away if everything here is so horrible you pathetic asshole.

  7. Anonymous says:

    smartman
    Amen, Amen, Amen again Brother Tony!

    Holy Shit was traffic ever a bumbfuck! Kinda like when the Prez decides to visit the UN in NYC on a Monday morning. Who paid for the carbon offsets for all the vehicles that sat idling while the 5+ hour runners were getting their swerve on, not to mention having to drive 5 to 10 miles out of the way to get from point A to B? Piss poor planning and communication gets an A+.

    Why not just run 7 laps and change around the downtown airport, or 13 miles out and back on I-70?

    Next year let’s have an F1 race in the afternoon and a Civic Pride Parade in the evening and just shut the whole city down for a day. We can call it FUNKHOUSER DAY! A celebration of clusterfuckedness!

    Not that I’m a big time runner or anything, I get bored after about 3 miles, but the technique of some of these runners, WOWEEWOW there had to be some serious foot,knee, hip damage done. If I were a chiropractor or orthopdedic surgeon I woulda been handing out cards on the route.
    And a question for you girls with the BIG TITTIES,,,,Isn’t it painful for your gozongas to flop so violently for so long? That kinda boob damage can’t be covered by the manufacturer.

    Good thing Domino’s stopped the 30 minutes or it’s free deal. They woulda got sodomized yesterday if they had to get into the zone.

  8. Anonymous says:

    Brian
    Tony you are such an asshole. I competed in the 1/2 marathon this weekend. Came in just a shade under 2 hours. You really think I some kind of middle mgmt ego driven schlep????? No I do it for the sake of having a good time while managing my health and hell yes it gives me a sense of accomplishment. Boy just imagine if fat ass out of shape people like you actually gave a damn about their health and decided to take up running on a regular basis. Just imagine how much better our overall health as a nation would be if folks decided to do any kind of exercise on a regular basis. How about simply dealing with the traffic mess for the 5 hours or so once an effing year and get out there and support those that partake in the event. I am tired of hearing about people bitching about the traffic. Everyone and anyone that paid attention knows the race is every year around this time. Mark you damn calendars for 2011 and plan around it you dumbass!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  9. Anonymous says:

    Paul
    Tony, I’m an out-of-towner who has run in several cities’ marathons. KC isn’t third-rate at all. Great course, good scenery, and usually good weather. Sorry if you were inconvenienced and had to drive around a few blocks. Maybe next year you should get in shape and try running it yourself.

    BTW, your blog is pretty third-rate. This was my first and last time reading it.

  10. Anonymous says:

    JoHawk
    Tony, you are one negative, depressing motherfucker.

  11. Anonymous says:

    Rainbow Man
    No he is pretty much right… If a guy wants to sharpen up his skills on the links, and go out once a week to hit the little white one… he is a selfish pig…. If the desperate housewife, living off her husband’s salary, wants to go on a year long addictive running and self indulgent body spree… she is finding herself… and probably another husband.

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  13. Anonymous says:

    Brian
    Tony is an ass. I would be done with this site if it not for Greg Hall’s contribution. Speaking of Greg it would be nice to get his opinion on this subject seeing as though he is a runner.

    ___

    GH: Brian, I ran the half Saturday for the first time in KC and was really happy with the course. But this city has a decision to make — do we want this to be a big time event or the sleepy race that we now have and have had for some time.

    While 11,000 entrants is a great number, few people outside the running community are even aware of the marathon, its route and the street closures. Unlike Chicago, which I ran the week before, this city just doesn’t embrace the race with any passion or even acknowledgement. I saw plenty of frustrated drivers at bottlenecked intersections all over the KC route — and I was an hour or more ahead of many of the runners yet to come. In Chicago I felt like a rockstar while running through their streets. In KC I felt like a skunk in the road.

    Saturday is a very tough day to run a 6-hour race through some of the city’s busiest neighborhoods. Maybe a Sunday date would be a good start to alleviating the frustration of so many motorists.

  14. Anonymous says:

    Collective Noses
    Yeah…raising money for Lymphoma and Leukemia research and running proceeds that benefit Children’s Mercy is such a waste of time. Sorry to annoy you.

  15. Anonymous says:

    Brian
    Greg Hall kicked some ass in this race btw. Nice work Hall.

  16. Anonymous says:

    Jackie Evancho
    Actually I read it yesterday but I had some thoughts about it and today I wanted to read it again because it is very well written.

  17. Anonymous says:

    Duh
    Tony = Biggest a-hole in Kansas City.

  18. Anonymous says:

    Jim Fixx’s Ghost
    “a horrible waste of time and more than slightly annoying to everyone else. ”

    Sounds like your blog, asshole. I guess for me, it’s lesson learned.

    You’d find a cute puppy and take a steaming dump on it. Seriously, get some help.

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