Tony: Local Driving Only Seems Dangerous

There’s a bit of good news for people cruising around Kansas City proper on increasingly expensive foreign oil.

Recent stats reveal driving in this area only seems life threatening and dangerous.

In fact, Allstate recently ranked 200 of the largest U.S. cities using car collision frequency data and drivers in KCMO are 8.3 percent less likely than the average U.S. driver to have an accident. Across the State Line in KCK, the numbers are even better. Sadly, I still haven’t found a worthwhile excuse to venture into KCK but it’s nice to know at least the drive will be nice and safe.

These driver stats are comforting but they don’t feel accurate at all given that most locals don’t know what they’re doing behind the wheel.

I have examples.

The stats don’t reveal this fun fact: JoCo Drivers are the scourge of KC Proper. JoCo people are always driving around clueless and I usually yell something offensive their way whenever they cross into my section of the urban core. You’d be surprised how speedy a minivan is when someone yells “Go home white devil!” in the general direction of the vehicle.

The latest generation of drivers in the Brookside/Ward Parkway corridor are also horrible and it’s not all to blame on texting. The Internet and Nickelodeon have robbed them of any hint of Independence and I guess they never really had the initiative to learn how to drive their dad’s car properly.

Finally, in the urban core the uninsured driver rules!!!

I can usually see them coming a mile away in some ancient Buick that has a door held together only by duct tape. It is wise to steer clear of these folks and they’re just part of the fun of urban exploring that most suburbanites never consider.

So, while this town’s driving record seems safe, those stats probably don’t count the countless people getting out of their cars and banging their heads against a wall.

Tony Botello

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2 Responses to Tony: Local Driving Only Seems Dangerous

  1. Anonymous says:

    chuck
    In “A Clockwork Orange” remake, Tony has his eyes fixed painfully open with toothpicks and he is tied to his chair, bolted to the floor. In the background, Bing Crosby croons softly, its a “White” christmas. A video on endless loop of June Cleaver telling Ward, she is, “Very worried about the Beaver”, repeats, and, repeats.

    TONY: “AAARRGGGGHHHH!!!! OH GOD NOOOOOOOooooo!!!”

    DIRECTOR: “Cut!!!! Cut!! for godsakes! Jesus Tony, your acting is WAY over the top!”

    TONY: “Who the fuck is acting? How can you even make this movie? This shit makes “Hostel” look like “Winnie the Pooh!” Its inhumane! Get these toothpicks outta my eyes! I’m going back to my mom’s basement!!”

    DIRECTOR: “Tony, you ain’t going home till we wrap. You only got this job cause of your mom. Come on man, you finally have a job!! Besides, we were short on cash and went to La Eme for the financing.”

    TONY: “What!!! Those fuckers are crazy!!”

    DIRECTOR: “Your mom said they had no game at all, couldn’t even get you mow the lawn.”

    TONY: “Bullshit, they hit me with a leafblower and I had headaches after that, I could only cut and paste for weeks.”

    DIRECTOR: “Action!!!!”

    TONY: “NO NO NO NOOOOOooo! WAIT! WAIT! I gotta go to the bathroom!”

    DIRECTOR: “There is a hole in the chair. Louder!”

    TONY: “AAARRRGGHHH!!!”

  2. Anonymous says:

    Tony 4 Mayor
    “The Internet and Nickelodeon have robbed them of any hint of Independence”

    Nickelodeon? Really? So all these people are messed-up after seeing too many “Rugrats” and “Salute Your Shorts” episodes and can’t concentrate? Interesting theory.

    Also interesting that Independence is capitalized. Maybe you mean they’ve lost all hints of Independence, Missouri? That they’re white-devil social climbers and have left their meth-ridden origins in the dust. What are you saying, man?

    You are right, though. Drivers don’t have a clue in this cowtown. Another “teh win” for the big TKC!

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