I’ve recently discovered that the only thing worse than corporate, sanitized entertainment in Kansas City is the homegrown “alternative” shtick that often substitutes for a personality among local hipsters.
Sure, The P&L District is full of d-bags who look as if they refer to one another as “broseph” and a nice variety of interchangeable skanks devoid of even the least bit of personality. However, a great many archetypes exist among the so-called “fringe” counter culture in Kansas City.
Let’s call them out together in order to offer a bit of a preview for the upcoming Fringe Festival. Check it:
1. Chubby But Still Inaccessible Burlesque Broad: I think I’ve come to another conclusion of late. Fair warning: My “game” is completely horrible and mostly consists of drunk dials and uncomfortable silences. Nevertheless, I’m going to myth bust the idea that local Burlesque babes are down to party. In fact, most of them are housewives. A few of these ladies are cool but for the most part we’re simply talking about ladies who would NEVER make it as strippers with a lot of bad tattoos and far too much attitude. The Chubby But Still Inaccessible Burlesque Broad is good for a couple of laughs but when it comes time to start making bad decisions, they’re just as lame as any small time local entertainer.
2. Skinny Jeans Guy On An Iphone – Every time I see a skinny jeans guy with an iPhone I want grab a baseball bat and maybe think about a violent mugging. But because of Catholic guilt and common sense I always stop myself. There probably isn’t a lot of cash in those skinny jeans anyway. I have no idea why the Williamsburg, Brooklyn hipster circa 2008 is still a popular pose to strike but it’s starting to become a Cowtown embarrassment in much the same way that Independence Mullet wasn’t really ironic until a few years ago.
3. The Cackling Divorced Lady Trying New Things – I should tread lightly here, this woman is at every local event laughing much too loudly and wearing something truly awful. Still, at The Fringe Festival she’s running into old friends and pretending that the fact she’s gonna die alone isn’t a big deal. The laugh is really a weapon or at least a warning to every hetero man to stay far, far away. She’s not out to pick up but at some point there will be many bottles of wine downed at speeds that would impress the kind of frat guy who would never venture into this fringe mess.
4. Librarian Chick – This nerd has tricked herself into believing that there’s something unqiue about being a slightly attractive nerd with big frame glasses. For folks with fantasies that revolve around reference material, then MAYBE this broad might be an interesting character to check out among KC’s Fringe. But manufactured irony and cynicism that’s not even as clever as Janeane Garofalo’s earlier work is just another character flaw to endure from a 7 pretending to be 5 who thinks she’s a 9 and is probably horrible in bed. Warning: Of all these d-bags this chick is probably the most dangerous, given that mistreating or clowning her might result in an embarrassing misrepresentation of your penis size on Facebook or a blog.
5. Peregrine Honig – I’ve always despised Peregrine with every fiber of my being. My feelings for the local artsy lady are best compared with that last scene in “Star Trek: Wrath of Khan” wherein Ricardo Montalb