Glazer: The Fine Art of Threesomes Explained

When I say threesome, I’m not talking about at the golf course.

Yes, the sex fantasy we don’t talk about much- but think about late at night in front of the TV or while drifting off to sleep. So here comes some expert advice from a guy who knows too much. And has seen way too much. I know all the haters are already thinking, “What the f–k does he know” Well simply put, half a century on the planet with most of my adult life having been spent in Hollywood living that life. That gives me the green light here, sorry…

So read and learn.

When men say threesomes, they’re usually thinking, “Me with two chicks.” For the most part, ladies same thing.

But in the shadows…

“Me (the girl) with two guys?” This makes for plenty of naughty thoughts on both ends. However if you are a straight guy – and I am – it’s not so sexy to be in a room with a naked girl and your pal, grunting over one another. In fact its kinda comical and not that easy to get off on. I’m just saying…

So for the purpose of this short trip, lets limit this to two girls and a guy.

Is this ever about love? No. Do women handle it better than men? Yes. Why? Because they are into each other way more than they are into you, in this case, me. Sorry. Yes, most women want to at some point be with another chick. Doesn’t mean she loves the other girl, or that she is gay or even the old cliche “bicurious.”

She is just into the sensation and lust of that sexual act. Women are better with each other because they can please each other longer and usually better. And they have strap-ons, you know? If you’ll let them, guys they’ll use the strap on with you…ouch.

I remember being with two hotties when I lived at the Sulgrave on the Plaza – they were all over each other. And the first 40 minutes, on me. Then I went to sleep around 3 AM and when I woke up they were still going at it in my living room. First I was pissed, then jealous. Man, women can do it over and over and over…we got cheated.

Another time I had a date and we went to a strip bar. I had no plan to pick up another girl, but my date did. Both girls were very nice looking and had big tata’s. I got drunk, so we took a cab back to my place. They started going at it in the back of the cab and the driver was watching in his mirror – so was I. When we got out of the cab at my place, I could barely hold it. We shot up to my floor on the elevator and I was taking my jeans down on the way to my door when I tripped. They just passed me by. Then I had to take a bathroom stop before I went to my bedroom and by the time I got there they were already in full swing.

Girls have all the fun, huh? But it all worked out.

Speaking of Hollywood, where I lived for sixteen years and had some of these experiences with some celebs, that didn’t make it better or worse. My first experience with all this noise was when my agent, took me and my partner, Don Woodbeck – its in my book The King of Sting -to a celeb sex party at the A Frame in Hollywood Hills. It was owned by Route 66 television series star George Maharis. I was new to LA and the rules of the party were that you had to bring a girl. And if she leaves, you leave. Conversely, if you leave she can stay. You get the picture. So I brought a clean cut blonde, UCLA cheerleader. I told her it might get wild and she was ok with it. Each bedroom at the party was covered in parachutes, open ones to make them like tents. When I went to get her a beer, all the people there got naked. I came back out looking for her and found her in a “tent” with three guys – jocks – and was shocked. Then I went out to get some air and was kicked out. So she stayed, walked home and I never saw her again.

So threesomes are not always so fun, huh?

If you actually love someone, I don’t recommend any of this. If you are just having fun, well OK. I never put my TRUE loves into this scene. Ever.

And frankly don’t look to do threesomes, mostly they happen by accident, booze and dope induced late at night… My advice is try it once. If you haven’t – and hey, maybe it’s for you – but more than likely it will be as I said above, worth a look but nothing to stay with.

I sign my books with these words sometimes: “Marriage doesn’t work, there is no God, and as you get older do more of what you like and less of what you don’t…sorry this is what I have learned in 50 years.”

And I’ve traveled the world looking for the perfect woman. “Did you find her?” people sometimes ask. The answer is, yes. So what happened? She was looking for the perfect man.”

Craig Glazer

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28 Responses to Glazer: The Fine Art of Threesomes Explained

  1. Anonymous says:

    Stan
    What the fuck is this?

  2. Anonymous says:

    bschloz
    “So I came back out looking for her and found her in a

  3. Anonymous says:

    smartman
    Even depravity has its’ requirements. Unless the two females are at some point willingly, actively and enthusiastically(and) jointly working on the male member and appendage(s) it’s not a REAL threesome. For platinum level scoring all parties must be NOT be under the influence of booze or drugs. If the two chicks are more into each other than in to you Caligula says it doesn’t count.

  4. Anonymous says:

    jojo
    #1…old man…get some viagra…sounds like
    you need it bad. If you fall asleep right
    after sex…you need to work out or get
    some drugs…because all the women you’re with
    will be looking for other guys who cn
    “fill” their holes.
    #2…you said you’re in bed with a nakedf
    guy….wtf…sorry…I prefer just one naked
    woman…and am not into seeing naked dudes
    in my bed. It may be okay for you buddy…but
    my bed is reserved for stricly females!
    #3: Obviusly you should stay away from
    swinger parties. It appears you get “shafted”
    when the nice ladies you bring find someone
    else to “shaft” them.
    #4: I don’t lie awake at night…thinking
    bout threesomes. I usully have other more
    importnt things to think about.
    #5: 2 girls are getting it on in your living
    room and you’re not involved. Whats wrong with
    this picture? I’lltell ya…at 60 youre
    losing it…and if ya ain’t using it…you’re
    losing it.
    #6: send in your questions to this lucky bitch
    hearne hasw on this site. She’s gonna set
    you straight (maybe)…but don’t expect much
    help…
    #7: Don’t take your date to a strip club!
    WTF is tht. If you didn’t expect your vdate
    to get a lap dance and want some pussy…why
    did you take her there. For the food? the
    atmosphere…the ambiance. You took her there
    to wtch her bump and grind one of those
    hore dancers then maybe watch them eat each
    other later. I recoomend not taking dates to
    strip clubs…can kill the night and you;re
    stuck with the vaseline and alone again.
    #8: stick to writing articles about comedy
    and what kc needs to do to be a world class
    city. Sex and love are not your best subjects.

  5. Anonymous says:

    jojo
    AMAZING…YOU TAKE A BROAD TO A SWINGER PARTY
    AND SHE ENDS UP FUCKING SOME OTHER GUYS…
    FUNNY HOW THAT ALWAYS HAPPENS AT THOSE THINGS!

  6. Anonymous says:

    mark smith
    Just curious, why did you need an agent? I wasnt aware that coke dealers or home invaders/ drug house robbers required agents, even in Hollywood.
    As for the 3 some, Ive no doubt you crossed swords a few times in your coke induced days.

  7. Anonymous says:

    MandDShagger
    Buddy of mine told me a story about a guy that took his girfriend to New York, proposed to her before the start of a play. After the play they went bouncin’ and wound up at a strip club. His gal was getting friendly wih one of the strippers and they tried to get her to go back to their place. Didn’t happen, but they were talking about what MIGHT have happened and when he suggested that he was gonne get in on some action while they were munchatatin’ she blew a gasket and went all psycho.

  8. Anonymous says:

    tommytune
    Glazer, good one and you were right, brought out many haters. I get it, and its funny, and true. Haters, I think they guy was talking about several events over a period of decades not weekends. I only had a couple three on ones, and you called it, the girls went on and on, I only lasted the first hour. Good story.

  9. Anonymous says:

    KellyWong
    Craig, I think you were and are a sex maniac. You think all girls are bi? We aren’t. I’m sure you have another fifty of these stories, save them for the bar.

  10. Anonymous says:

    woodsideguy
    Saw you at woodside pool saturday, you were in water with two ladies in their 20’s. They were the hottest girls at pool, hot, out of over l00. Looked like you scored to me…I’m a dentist, if you are a coke head, you are the best built coke head ever, at your age, and if you are 60 I am 90. I am 42. I hate you too for being so damn good at your craft. Carry on. Like your blogs very much. You have guts.

  11. Anonymous says:

    if only…
    Kc Confidential threesome:

    Hearne, ‘Lil Hearne and Hearne’s non-typing hand.

  12. Anonymous says:

    Kyfan
    Fun stories, Craig, don’t let the jealous haters stop your thoughts, I enjoy reading your blogs. I have only been in two three somes in my life, and I can relate. Thanks for the tales.

  13. Anonymous says:

    KCMO staffer
    I am with Ky guy. You have some great stories and they are fun. I don’t think all girls are gay though or even bi. Keep them comin Craig.

  14. Anonymous says:

    Rob Lane
    Boy this was a wild one. Hey jealous guy Glazer needed an agent cause he has produced six feature films, a couple on Ali that were pretty big, and of course I know sold several feature film scripts over the years. I read his book, great read, never read about him being a ‘coke dealer’ but guess he must have skipped that part, huh? Homeinvader, ok. Man I thought Hollywood was tough on you Glazer, you got more guts than Dick Tracy my friend, don’t stop now.

  15. Anonymous says:

    craig glazer
    So alot of the current readers think I am kinda a bad guy. This is entertainment, you guys need to enjoy the ride and not be so crazy. JoJo, thought you were on my side a bit, damn boy, and I’m not 60 son. I can always write about the mayor or Sprint areana, thought you might like some ‘grey area’ stuff….guess not.

  16. Anonymous says:

    mark smith
    Robby baby if you’ll unleash that death grip from Glazers bean bag for a second you might want to do a lil home work. Glazer didnt do his recent federal stint for shitty writing or baggin skanks. You say “Home Invader okay”, like its no big deal. There are more than a few dope dealers who have kids and wives in those homes you think it’s no big deal he invaded. Guess it would have been a real hoot of a story if one of them got killed. And not for nothin, Hater is the most over used word in the dictionary. Call a guy out as a scum bag, and you are a hater. Maybe the guy was just a scum bag.

  17. Anonymous says:

    craig glazer
    Hey punk ass Mark, my stings -which were pretty real and covered in my book, hundreds of articles in LA Times, NY Times, KC Star, courtroom documents, etc – had nothing to do with HOME INVASION…where the hell do you get this crap? You mean the innocent Mexican Mob guys, or the Columbians or who…this was in the 70’s and early 80’s, mush for brains…since you are such a bad ass protector of these folks from long ago and I am such a scum bag…we can meet anywhere you like and settle this tough guy….for real punk. I normally don’t get that upset, but when you are a lying punk over and over, put up or shut up…besides whats your real name, coward. Mine is Craig N. Glazer and I’m f’ing very easy to find bad ass.

  18. Anonymous says:

    MGarr
    Glazer take your own advice, calm down. Don’t let a guy like that piss you off. You know the drill when you gain some fame you gain some enemies. You’ve had some incredible adventures that few people will have or know. I read your book and it explains everything well. Anyone who reads it knows, this guy and many others like him don’t care about any of that, their lives are hollow so these people just enjoy the hater ride my friend.

  19. Anonymous says:

    mark smith
    Easy Tiger, you better get some tough skin if you are going to put your shit out on the interwebs. My real name is Mark Smith, douche nozzle. I hate to bust your bubble but this aint the first time Ive been threatened over the internet or otherwise. I havent read your book, don’t plan on it, but the gist of what you were doing was setting up people to think you were a cop. You and a couple of your buddies would raid the dudes house. I dont need to read your book to know how it worked. Ive lived in this city all my life, I know all about you. My point was you potentially put innocent people at risk, and you sold dope, which at some point ends up in a kids hands somewhere along the line. Ive got a less than stellar past myself, but I was never involved in dope or guns, you were, that makes you a scum bag. As for all this “meet me in the street” shit what are you 20 ? I think the reaction you had to my comment is pretty telling. In fact, I’d say I nailed it.

  20. Anonymous says:

    jweinberg
    Craig, I know you are a good guy, but this mark guy is right in one regard, you have to accept peoples liking and disliking you. Clearly you are one of this cities best known personalities. It comes with the territory old friend. In todays world you become a bigger target as your presence gets bigger. Look at Tiger Woods, got crushed for wife cheating, never a good thing, but no crime and you saw the crude he got. So suck it in, don’t try and punch everyone out who doesn’t like you, wrong or not. I know you are a ‘tough guy’ but you’ve already proven that, just let it go. By the way I did like this blog, funny,true and has some good points. Love your work.

  21. Anonymous says:

    Maureen
    Craig you bring out the best in people.

  22. Anonymous says:

    if only…
    GENTLEMEN! This thread is supposed to be about threesomes. Show some web integrity. If we can pull Tony Botello off of Tim Finn long enough to join you two in the school yard for a threeway donnybrook, then okay. But until then, get a room or start a grudge/he hate me thread.

  23. Anonymous says:

    jojo
    glazoer////i am with you…can’t stand some of
    the shit on here by tony…jack (the guy with
    the phony accent)…hearnes made up lies…
    gregs animosity and jealousy.
    If not for your stories..this whole site would
    be one fucking b oring mess.
    Love your stuff…but times have changed.
    I did all this…including the swing parties
    (spirit of 76/sheraton by the airport) and
    in lawrence….watched…never participated
    with my girl.
    But truth is having one really sweet honest…
    woman can replace all those strippers and
    whores. Try it…it works wonders for the
    mind and body. And lets be honest..none of
    us are like we used to be…which is just a
    naturl thing that happens.
    Try one hot woman. Treat her with respoect..
    no strip clubs..no threesomes…no drugs…
    no cheating…if youfind one who is the
    same way your life willchange forever. A woman
    who loves you for all your faults and will stick
    with you with the money/fame and fun runs out.
    And you don’t have to marry them…thats about
    as old as dirt…and most of my married friends
    are so unhppy and miserable…so why ruin
    a good thing.
    Noone giv es you credit for the most important
    trait you have…guts and never quitting.
    You’ve been thru hellnd high water in your
    life. You’ve won money..lost money….had
    great businesses and not so good businesses..
    had money…times with no money…but you still
    stood up…dusted off yourself and went out
    and worked to get back up again. made mistakes..
    admitted them …but didn’t harp on them and
    moved on with your life.
    And that my friend is one incredible great
    quality to possess.
    Take it all with a grin…laugh at yourself and
    the things we all do…don’t pay attention
    to your detractors because they are stuck in
    life…and get up off the canvas and get ready
    to do it again….but always…always…do it
    with class nd knowing that you see the same
    people on the way up that you see as the
    way down..just that the people who are watching
    you on the wy down are happy that vyou got
    your ass kicked…and they’re happy you failed.
    good luck…

  24. Anonymous says:

    KCMO staffer
    Yes stay on the subject.

  25. Anonymous says:

    WestportPatron
    Good advice JoJo, Craig you are a cool dude. I have met you at Stanfords in Westport and Legends. JoJo is right, you are the most interesting writer on this blog, don’t let people who don’t like you bring you down. You have accomplished way too much for that.

  26. Anonymous says:

    jojo
    during the premiere of your movie..bring
    the hottie 20 year olds from woodside..
    the girl from l.a. who likes jocks and loves
    to swing…the strippers and I’ll bring the
    party materials.
    I’ll also bring some of my old harem (if i cn
    finde them) and we’ll hve a mother fucking
    huge party fest.
    Can’t wait…whens the premiere…gotta be
    in kc so we can hit it.

  27. Anonymous says:

    WestportPatron
    Mark Smith read Glazer’s book, think it will chang your mind, not that it matters. It did mine.

  28. Anonymous says:

    golf swing software
    Real golfers, no matter what the provocation, never strike a caddie with the driver. The sand wedge is far more effective. Huxtable Pippey

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