Tony: Kansas City Burlesque Fatties Have Until Summer to Shape Up

A wise man once told me that the term “Burlesque” was a French word for stretchmarks. I didn’t know he was serious until last weekend.

There was a hefty price tag of $25 for a single ticket to The Burlesque Downtown Underground’s “Black Tie Cabaret With A Splash Of Holiday.” And without a doubt it’s a show I’ll most likely never forget.

The performance started with an important announcement in the form of a quickly thrown together skit: The BDU will be bringing back Burlesque to the Folly Theater starting July 11th next year. Apparently, this is a big deal because it has been almost a half century since the Folly stage has seen a burlesque act. This bit of self-promotion was a bit annoying coming before the ladies in the show had offered any proof that their act was worthy of such an honor. But, early in the evening, I was willing to forgive these women who obviously had an appetite for fame among other things.

After that point, I was soon to learn why this local burlesque group was such a big deal.

Let’s not mince words here, I had heard from well-informed denizens of the local arts scene that a great many of the local burlesque performers were plus-sized ladies, but I thought that was just typical Kansas City jealousy. And don’t get me wrong, every single hottie featured in the BDU’s holiday show was out of my league. Then again, so many of them also weren’t the kind of women one would typically see proudly shaking ample amounts of loose skin. Case in point: I swear there was an audible groan from the audience when one of these lovely ladies gave the crowd a full frontal view of the after-effects of extreme inner-thigh chafing.
Of course there were exceptions to this screed that will probably be misinterpreted as misogynistic. Local performers Kat Kimmitz and Marisa McKay-Smith were flawless and mesmerizing and they carried the entire show. There was also a pretty hot placard lady selling $20 calenders. Finally, a stereotypically beautiful blonde lived up to my prosaic standards that have been predetermined by television and porn, but then she ruined it by singing that stupid Jason Mraz song “I’m Yours,” not realizing that it has been scientifically proven that the tune makes heterosexual men want to punch somebody.

And I should note that the notion of female empowerment through these kinds of public displays of “:what real women look like” aren’t lost on me. I sat through a women’s studies class and pretended to pay attention for an easy credit. However, it just seems like a bit of false advertising. If it was called “Kansas City’s Big Ass Burlesque Show” than maybe I would have been forewarned. And to be fair, I know that the Internet offers a place for overweight and underemployed men to display their intellectual prowess but, then again, I’m not charging big bucks to publicly display all of my flaws.

So, while the BDU’s Show was sexy in ways that I’m not entirely comfortable admitting to myself, I think it’s a bit unfair to think that all of Kansas City will be as open-minded and accepting of this extremely jiggly fare. In fact, this cowtown can be quite cruel and for the sake of some of the women of the BDU, I want to advise that a New Year’s resolution related to trimming down and tightening up might be in order. Meanwhile, I’ll probably remain the same husky, hypercritical d-bag I’ve always been and the bigger venue for the BDU will only host more of my kind.

Tony Botello

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13 Responses to Tony: Kansas City Burlesque Fatties Have Until Summer to Shape Up

  1. Anonymous says:

    If you’re looking for strippers, I think you’ll find Totally Nude up on Grand.

  2. Anonymous says:

    Completely agree. TKC wouldn’t know class if it sat on his face. Luckily that will never happen.

  3. Anonymous says:

    Wow, even if you were right those are pretty douchey things to say. Of course, you’re totally wrong which makes it even worse.

  4. Anonymous says:

    The cover was much to high. The show was pretty standard and not worth it.

  5. Anonymous says:

    Buchan J. A.
    Yet again more proof that under-fed, botoxed and silicone implanted women are what we “think” are supposedd to be attractive thanks to the over blown images fed to us by the media.

    I don’t see much of anything wrong with any of these women and I would have to say I am more attracted to REAL women with confidence than FAKE bitches with no confidence and a shitload of plastic and poison jammed into their bodies.

    I fully support the local burlesque scene and would much ratehr pay to see these dames than some methed out hooker at a dive strip joint.

    Keep up the good work ladies, right on!

  6. Anonymous says:

    So may I assume the pics are of the actual women in the actual show? If so, they look darn good to me.

    I saw burlesque at the Strand….yep, stretch mark city. Never made it to the Folly. Tony, I don’t remember any of the strippers looking this good. Count your blessings. Or stay home, and… know.

  7. Anonymous says:

    Mean Old Rita Brinkerhoff
    I’m sure the ladies of BDU are really grateful for this incisive, insightful critique of their show. Great move, genius.

  8. Anonymous says:

    Agree, bad form Tony. You are better off giving praise to these great women. Looks like they put on a good show for a jerk like you. I think you underestimate the crowd. They know how to appreciate a real woman. You don’t.

  9. Anonymous says:

    Good to know that women are still held to an unattainable standard, while men cna be fat slobs and it’s perfectly acceptable. Tony, how about YOU get off your ass and get into shape, then start giving diet and exercise advice. Oh, and while you’re at it, retake a gender studies class and listen this time.

  10. Anonymous says:

    Tony: Considering The Cheeky Ladies Of Cabaret DeLuxe | KC C
    […] Last time around I think I might have confused a burlesque show with a strip show, so naturally I wa… However, the Cabaret DeLuxe included comedy and a bit of live music so there wasn’t any mistaking this for “classic” stripper fare. And, to be completely forthright, there was no way the broads in this show were going to be strippers in one of the local clubs. […]

  11. Anonymous says:

    another [good] reason its all coming to an end…

  12. Anonymous says:

    I am not sure why it is necessary to dance and sing in your bra and panties. If you want to be a stripper, I am sure they are always hiring

  13. Anonymous says:

    Time to revisit the most brilliant comment ever made to Tony on this blog, from a dude named Gavin:

    “Holy Shit. This is pot, hello kettle, you

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